In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

December 24, 2005

Kelly’s: Courtyard

He had no memory of Kelly’s Diner before the last four months but he imagined that it had always looked the way it did now, with its slightly weathered bricks, the faded sign hanging over the double doors and the desolate courtyard empty of the tables and chair put away for the winter season.

Jason Morgan had just left the warehouse, having promised Sonny he’d go over their accounting books. He wasn’t familiar with a lot of things in his life–with the people, with the places–but numbers were comforting. Numbers always added up the same way, divided the same way and no matter how many times you did the equation, two plus two would always equal four. There was some solace in knowing that at least that would never change.

Two weeks had passed since his surgery. The aneurysm threatening his life was gone and the doctor had told him that while it could always reoccur, he didn’t think it was likely. He was out of the hospital and on his way to his old life–or so Sam told him. She told him that he liked to work on the books, that he liked to take his bike out, that he liked to walk outside when it was either really cold or hot because he couldn’t feel the temperature unless it was one of the two extremes. She told him he went to church every Sunday.

Sam told him a lot of things but there were a few things he’d rather figure out for himself. He was content to do his old job for Sonny. It had bothered him before but something was different inside him now–he knew the reasons he did the job and he had come to terms with the actions. You did what was necessary to protect the people important to you. You sacrificed to keep them safe.

Sam was away now–had left after his surgery was complete and declared a success. Her brother had fallen ill in Hawaii and had been asking for her. She had barely hesitated and Jason understood–family was family and he would have gone to Sonny.

But she wouldn’t be back in time for Christmas and he couldn’t convince her that he wasn’t disappointed. Instead, he was talking to her yet again about how it really was okay that she was going to be in Hawaii for the next few weeks.

“I’m sorry, Jason. I wanted to be there, you know I wanted to be there.”

Jason exhaled slowly and leaned against the brick wall of the diner. “Its okay, Sam. Christmas is your thing. It’s just another day to me–”

“But it’s our first Christmas,” Sam sighed. “It’s important to me. But Danny wants me here and I just–I don’t want to disappoint him either–“

“You’re not disappointing me,” Jason cut in. “You stay with your brother, he needs you more.” Not wanting to hear any more arguing, he closed the phone and sighed. He didn’t understand the obsession with Christmas, with holidays in general. He understood the religious basis for the day, but he wasn’t sure where the trees, the decorations and the guy in the red suit came from. As for gifts, why would you wait until one day a year to give in bulk when you could just give all year long?

He slid the phone in his jeans pocket and went inside the diner. It was empty, nearly time for the closing and other than Mike behind the counter, a young woman with a baby sat at one of the tables. He frowned–something about her profile felt familiar but he couldn’t place her.

“Can I have a coffee?” he asked Sonny’s father.

Mike grinned. “Coming right up. How do you take it?”

“Black,” the young woman murmured absently as she wiped some applesauce from her son’s face. She looked up and blushed. “Sorry, it’s from years of serving him,” she told Mike.

Jason’s frown deepened. “We know each other?”

She turned to him, her long brunette hair sweeping across her shoulder. Tilting her face to the side, she smiled. “Sure. Or we used to. Emily and I have been like sisters since high school.” She extended her hand. “Elizabeth Spencer.”‘

He shook it. “I remember Emily planning your wedding. I was invited but I was…” he trailed off, trying to think of how to explain his recent memories–from Manny Ruiz to his surgery which had saved his life but still left him without memory.

“I was glad to hear that you were doing better,” Elizabeth said, with a smile. She gestured towards the seat across from her. “Would you like to sit?”

He shrugged and took the offered seat. Mike set a mug of coffee in front of him and disappeared back into the kitchen. “So we knew each other through Emily?”

Elizabeth bit her lip and bought herself some time by handing her son a French fry from her plate. “Yeah, but I like to think we were friends on our own at one time.” When the boy reached for more fries, she caught his hand. “No, no, Cam. You have to save some room for cookies, remember?”

“Cookie!” he clapped his small chubby hands together and grinned at the strange man across the way. “Want cookie!”

“When we get home, Cam,” Elizabeth promised. She wiped the grease from his fingers. “He’s been into everything lately since he learned how to both talk and walk.”

Jason nodded. “How old is he?”

“Nearly twenty months old,” Elizabeth said. Her eyes sparkled. “This is his first real Christmas, where he’s going to be big enough to open his own presents and play with them.” A shadow crossed her face and she squeezed Cameron close. “I just wish…” she shook her head. “It’s not the presents that matter anyway,” she murmured.

“So you’re another Christmas fan,” Jason observed. Somehow it didn’t surprise him–she struck him as the sort of person that might want a large family Christmas. Someone who’d want to buy a huge tree and decorate it just right, who’d want to buy out stores for presents for her family and friends.

“I love Christmas.” Elizabeth handed Cameron. “We’re going to start all sorts of traditions this year, aren’t we, sweetie?” Her blue eyes were practically glowing. “We’re going to start A Christmas Carol and we’re going to leave the cookies out for Santa and maybe if you’re really good, you can open a present tonight.”

“Cookie!” Cameron repeated, clapping his hands together again.

“He won’t really be able to understand the book,” Elizabeth told Jason, “but he loves to be read to. I read to him all the time–I got the idea from you actually.”

Jason shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“You told me how you used to read to Michael when he was a baby,” Elizabeth explained. “You said Michael seemed to enjoy it and I liked the idea of reading to Cam about places we might see or about history and culture. So I think A Christmas Carol is right up his alley.”

“What’s A Christmas Carol?” Jason asked. “Is it a children’s book?”

Elizabeth shook her head. “It’s an book about someone who hated Christmas, who was really cheap and mean and how he was visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve. The ghosts showed him his past, his present and then his future if he didn’t change his ways. He wakes up and decides to change his life. It’s a classic Christmas story–my father used to read it to us every Christmas Eve and I can’t wait to start it with Cam.” She checked her watch. “We’d better get home, baby. Daddy will be home when we get there.” She pulled out her wallet and frowned at the check in front of her before glancing back at her wallet. “I could have sworn I had a ten in here.”

Jason frowned and a few things became clear about Elizabeth then. Her wallet was nearly bare, her face was thin and there were deep shadows under her eyes.

“Damn it,” Elizabeth muttered. She rifled through her purse, her fingers become slightly frantic in her search for the ten. “Maybe I left it in the lady’s room.” She stood, took Cameron in her arms and moved quickly into the back room.

Jason stood and took his wallet out. First, he slid two twenties into the pocket of her black coat and then went to the counter. “Mike? Here’s a ten for Elizabeth’s check.” He slid it across the counter. “Keep the change.”

Mike shook his head. “She hates charity.”

Jason hesitated. “Tell her that I insisted.” He heard footsteps coming from the direction of the rest rooms and quickly left Kelly’s.

Outside, it was beginning to snow. Jason shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his leather coat and started out for Harborview Towers. He wondered what it would be like to go home to a family. To be happy whether you had money or not–though he never really thought about what life must be like when you couldn’t buy what you needed. He hadn’t had to worry about it and he didn’t think he’d had to worry about it before he lost his memory.

He wondered if he’d ever enjoyed Christmas and the surrounding holiday season or if he’d always felt this empty inside during this time of year.

Penthouse: Living Room

Jason propped his feet up on the couch and leaned against the armrest to read one of the travel books he’d found on a shelf in the dining room. He was just beginning a section about the exports of Greece when his cell phone rang.

He fished it out of his back jeans pocket and answered it without checking the caller id screen. He didn’t need do that to know it was Sam calling.

“Hey,” Sam sighed. “I just wanted to check in with you, I know it’s dark out there. I was just sitting here, thinking about the lights on the tree and how beautiful they must look all lit up.”

Jason glanced over at the tree in the corner of the penthouse by the window. It nearly blended in with the shadows of the room–he hadn’t remembered to light it. “How’s your brother?”

“A little better.” Sam sighed again. “I bet the star looks the prettiest. It was my favorite ornament. I wish I could be there to see it lit up.”

“The tree isn’t lit,” Jason finally admitted. “I forgot to do it.”

There was some silence on her end of the line. Finally, she said, “Oh.”

“I just didn’t see the point,” Jason continued. “I’m sorry,” he told her even though he really wasn’t. He’d told her that he wasn’t really interested in celebrating the holiday, especially when he had no memory of past holidays.

“I don’t know why you can’t just…” Sam huffed. “I mean, it’s important to me. I want a tradition we can carry on with our children and if we don’t start them now, then when are we? And I’m not at all happy that what’s important to me isn’t important to you.”

“I just don’t understand the point of it all,” Jason replied, a little irritated. The second his health had returned, something had shifted in their relationship and he wasn’t sure what it might be. His lack of memories hadn’t bothered her before but now that there was no medical reason for their absence, she was short-tempered more often than not.

“I didn’t ask you to understand it, I just asked you to humor me. Never mind, obviously it’s too much to ask.” There was a click and Jason’s phone was silent. He shook his head, closed it and put it back into his pocket.

He didn’t understand Christmas and he was beginning to think he didn’t understand anyone in his life either.

+7

Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays
‘Cause no matter how far away you roam
If you want to be happy in a million ways
For the holidays you can’t beat home, sweet home

Jason’s eyes jerked open and he sat straight up. He looked around and blinked at the sight of his penthouse lit up–all the lights and decorations Sam had strewn up but he’d forgotten to switch on were blazing. There was a fire in the fire place behind him and he heard the click of heels coming from the kitchen.

He rubbed his eyes and stood. “What the hell…”

Robin Scorpio stepped out from the kitchen, an oversized mug wrapped in her hands. Jason shook his head. It was Robin, but she was younger. Her hair was longer, its color darker. Her face was a bit rounder and her cheeks were bright red. “Hey, Jason.”

“Robin,” he said slowly. He licked his lips and looked around. “You look…”

She sipped from her mug. “I look about nineteen which was the age I was when we first began dating.” She set the mug on the corner of the pool table and ignored his wince at the thought of something that hot close to the felt.

“You look a bit different yourself,” Robin said. She circled around him and tugged at his t-shirt. “You’ve been working out. And your hair’s darker.” She stood on the tips of her toes to peer into his eyes. “And something’s missing.”

He grumbled something under his breath and stepped back. “What’s going on?”

“I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!” she proclaimed, throwing her arms up in declaration. “Or, a representative of the Ghost of Christmas Past, anyway. He’s busy this time of year and rarely does jobs one on one.”

Jason frowned and peered at the mug, “What were you drinking?”

Robin sighed. “I’m not Robin Scorpio either. I’m just a familiar face to guide you on your journey,” she explained. “I’m part of your past. Or she is…it’s complicated, Jason. Anyway,” she held out her hand. “Ready to go?”

Jason shook his head. “I don’t dream, so this is really happening but at the same time, this can’tbe happening.”

Robin made a clucking noise. “Jason, you’re so literal. Just take my hand,” She wiggled her fingers. “You trust me don’t you?”

“No, but I don’t think you’re going to go away until I do what you want,” Jason sighed. He slipped his much larger hand into her tiny one and the second their skin made contact, there was swirl of wind and suddenly, everything was different.

It was Sonny’s penthouse but it was all wrong somehow. Jason frowned and looked around–the furnishings were dark, there was nothing that he remembered at all. And standing in front of him was a trio of very familiar figures–himself, Sonny and Robin.

Jason looked at his Robin and frowned. “Okay, I’m confused.”

His Robin shrugged. “Your first Christmas after the accident. You’re celebrating it early because I’m leaving.” Her smile was wistful as she watched the younger Jason move across the room to fish out a box from his jacket.

“I celebrated Christmas?”

“You understood it then,” His Robin told him. “Because I could explain things so that you not only understood them but accepted them. Your new friend Sam tells you what she thinks you ought to know and never elaborates. She doesn’t want you to change your mind about your future together.”

Jason shook her head. “She’s not like that.”

His Robin snorted. “Look, I’m privy to a few things that you’re not. So pipe down and pay attention.”

He watched himself interact with Sonny and Robin and briefly wondered what it was that had changed Sonny from this particular man to the one he was today–bitter, cold and distrusting. He searched his limited memory but was frustrated when he couldn’t come up with any sort of connection.

“You really don’t remember any of this, do you?” His Robin sighed. “I thought seeing the memory might help…”

Jason shook his head. “I don’t remember the actual event,” he admitted, “but…” he looked at her. “I remember what I felt. I remember being nervous about the gift. I remember feeling–really good when you liked it. I remember how happy I was.” He crossed his arms and peered at the figures in front of him. “That Robin was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in my life.”

His Robin nodded sagely. “It’s nice that you can acknowledge that. You might not remember these things, but the people who love you do. And it’s hard for them when you look at them and don’t know them. Some handle it better than others.”

She took his hand and the wind swirled again. When it cleared, they were standing in a dilapidated room cluttered with canvases, paints and easels. Jason frowned when he saw his younger self lying prone on the shabby couch, his hand clutched to his side. “What’s this place? I’ve never been here before.”

“Haven’t you?” Robin asked. She arched an eyebrow and he realized her appearance had changed. Her face was thinner, her hair was cut boy short and her eyes were a little sadder. “I look like the last time you saw me on the bridge when you told me you never wanted to see my face again.”

He swallowed and looked away–that was one of the memory flashes he had received. But none of the flashes had shown him this room. And yet…he knew it. He watched his younger self shift on the couch and the other Jason focused on the small tree on a table, decorated with paper chains and an angel atop.

The older Jason stared at it as well and was struck by it. “The only Christmas tree I ever decorated,” he murmured. “And liked.”

Robin nodded. “Your first Christmas after you lost Michael and I left town. You were shot and found by someone in the snow. She took you here to take care of you.” Robin touched one of the paper chains. “She protected you from Sonny and from Carly most of all and wouldn’t let anyone speak ill of you in her presence. She taught you that there was something to live for because you were lost in nothing after Michael was gone. She brought color back to your world.”

Jason frowned and turned when the door opened and a small whirlwind rushed through. Her hair was flying all over the place, the wind having destroyed any semblance of order in the curly mass. Her blue eyes were sparkling with mischief and she had bags filled to the brim in her hands. He recognized her instantly.

“Elizabeth,” he said softly. He looked to Robin. “The woman from the diner. I didn’t realize…she never said…”

“She wouldn’t, no. You aren’t close anymore,” Robin said. “You’re on the periphery of each other’s lives. You go whole months without talking but every time you do, it’s like yesterday. She’s your best friend and you’re hers, and nothing has been able to change that. She married Sonny’s brother, and divorced him. She repeated the process but finally gave up on him because she was never going to be first on his list and being first is something this girl can’t quite recall.”

“She hums when she paints,” Jason said quietly. He watched the younger Elizabeth change his bandage all the while chattering all along like she performed this task on a daily basis. “She didn’t come to see me in the hospital.”

“She didn’t think you’d want to see her,” Robin told him. “You didn’t know her, you weren’t her Jason anymore and she certainly wasn’t going to push you.” She studied him. “What else do you remember about this moment?”

“I remember…” Jason hesitated. “I remember thinking that she was beautiful. That her smile lit up the whole room and she always made me want to smile when she smiled. It was contagious.”

“Do you remember why she was protecting you from Sonny and Carly? Why she was hiding you here in her art studio?”

Jason nodded. “Yeah. Sonny and Carly, they slept together. I was shot, I went to his penthouse and she was there.” His throat was thick. “I went to the boxcar and I…” He looked away. “I went there to die. But I remember Elizabeth…telling me to open my eyes, that she couldn’t help me unless I opened my eyes.”

“And she gave you a reason to live,” Robin finished softly. “She took you to her studio, filled to overflowing with soup, changed your bandages, saved your life, told everyone that mattered to her that you were sleeping together so they wouldn’t know you were shot. And you celebrated the second Christmas of your life that you really felt like the holiday meant something.” Robin sighed. “She was perfect for you, you know. I bet if you’d just given into one of those urges to kiss her, this whole thing would be different.”

Jason frowned. “What do you mean?”

But his Robin didn’t answer. She held out his hand and with some reluctance, he touched it wondering where the mists would send him next.

It was a large open space, much larger than Elizabeth’s studio and smaller than Sonny’s penthouse. A kitchen area was in the back and a large bed underneath the window towards the back of the room. This place, too, felt familiar but not in the same way the studio had been. He’d been here before but didn’t feel any particular connection to it.

He saw himself standing by a partially decorated evergreen tree in the corner. He was some years older than he’d been in the studio but still younger than he was now. He wondered when this Christmas had taken place and with whom he had shared it.

His questions were answered when a blonde woman came out from behind the tree, a box in her hands. Her face was down as she rummaged through the box but he recognized her instantly as Sonny’s little sister Courtney. He’d been engaged to her, married to her, he was told all of this but it still didn’t feel like it was a real part of his history.

“This is the third Christmas,” Robin said. “The third that meant something real to you. But it wasn’t because you were sharing this moment with Courtney.”

Jason frowned and looked at her. “Then why?”

“Because Elizabeth had walked out on you only two months earlier. You jumped into a relationship with Courtney who had just left her husband. She wanted to celebrate Christmas, wanted to decorate a tree with you but it didn’t feel right to you. You didn’t want to decorate a tree with anyone who wasn’t Elizabeth.” Robin sighed wistfully. “She was thinking of you, too that night. Feeling sad and vulnerable. She was ready to forgive you for lying to her, for hurting her and she wanted to apologize to you for being so cold, so untouchable for so many weeks.”

“What…” Jason hesitated. “What did I do to her then?”

“The act doesn’t matter,” Robin said. “What matters is what came after. You abandoned her, like most everyone else in her life. And because she was feeling so vulnerable, she listened when Ric Lansing talked and was charmed by him. She thought she saw the best of you in him–only without the lies and the secrets. He nearly killed her, you know. Twice. He put her through hell before she finally left him.” Robin shrugged. “You thought about going to Kelly’s, just to see her. To be near her. But instead, you took the cowards’ way out. You stayed with Courtney, and you decorated this tree with her.”

“But it was for the best right?” Jason said. “Elizabeth’s married to Lucky, she has a son. I have Sam.”

Robin’s mouth curved into a bitter smile. “Elizabeth has a son with Zander Smith, a petty criminal who threatened her and her baby. He died in a shoot out with the police two years ago and she married Lucky Spencer. Mostly because she still felt love for him–the love she’d felt as a teenaged girl. She felt comfortable with him, thought he’d be safe and that he’d never hurt her.”

She folded her arms and watched a laughing Courtney embrace a Jason that looked resigned. “Sam loves you. She does. But she’s scared. She’s terrified that what you have together can’t last. She’s a lot like Carly, you know. She wants so badly to make this work that she’ll make mistakes and she’ll do dumb things and one day, she’s going to wake up and realize that she’s lost herself in you. That she has no life other than you. And she’s going to resent you for that.”

Jason shook his head. “No, it’s not like that with Sam–”

“That’s what will happen if you stay together,” Robin said. “If everything goes to Sam’s plan, within two years, she will hate you and herself. But that’s not for me to really say. All I know is what I’ve been told.”

“You were a good man, once, Jason,” Robin continued. “You were kind and compassionate. You were a good friend that never forgot someone who had done you a kindness. You knew Sonny inside and out, you understand that you could only have Carly in your life if you kept her at an arm’s length. You had a real life that was separate from Sonny’s. That’s your past, Jason. But things have changed.”

She held out her hand and Jason touched it, the swirling mists erasing the scene before him.

+8

Baby I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can’t get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I’m all right
But then I miss you, most at Christmas time

Jason sat straight up and rubbed his eyes. He looked around at his dark and desolate penthouse. The tree was not lit, the lights not switched on and the fireplace was empty and dark. It had been a dream, Jason told himself. Just because he’d never dreamed before, it didn’t mean he would never dream at all.

But he remembered every detail about this dream. The way Robin had looked, the way she had changed. The words she’d spoken, the places she’d taken him to.

He stared at his hands for a long moment before dragging them through his hair. He just needed to sleep. Jason lay back down and wrapped his arm around his head to rest it on. He closed his eyes and told himself once again it was a dream.

He could feel someone looking at him. He could feel someone very close. His eyes snapped open and he jerked back, startled.

“Who the hell are you?”

A tiny brunette was straddling his waist and peering at him with her amused brown eyes. “I know I was the wife from hell, Jase, but you really don’t have to be so rude.”

Jason frowned. Had Courtney died her hair? A more disturbing thought occurred to him–had he had yet another marriage that hadn’t lasted?

“Who are you?” he demanded.

The brunette stood up and planted her hands on her hips. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Present!” she declared. She cocked her head to the side. “Actually, I’m a representative–”

“I should have known,” Jason muttered. He tried to remember if he’d eaten or drank anything out of the ordinary before going to sleep. Maybe it was indigestion.

“To you, however, I am Brenda Barrett. I am your first wife and your worst nightmare all rolled into one,” Brenda said with a hand waving in the air for emphasis. “I was once engaged to Sonny and I was married to Jax. Do I ring any bells now?”

“Not really,” Jason said. “And from this short meeting, I’m beginning to think memory loss isn’t so bad.”

Brenda gaped. “Did you really just crack a joke? Things really have changed!” She shrugged and held out her hand. “Let’s go–we’ve got a lot to do and not so much time to do it in.”

Jason sighed and decided that he would avoid Kelly’s coffee for a while–that had to be what was going on. He touched her hand and was prepared for the swirling mess around him.

When it cleared, he was standing in the middle of the Quartermaine living room. The tree was lit and his sister was curled up in an armchair next to the tree. She was staring at a row of pictures on the shelf above the desk.

“What’s wrong with Emily?” Jason asked quietly, wanting to comfort his sister but knowing he couldn’t.

Brenda was subdued when she answered. “Alexis called her tonight and told her that her divorce papers had been filed and that her marriage to Nikolas was officially over. Emily thought that’s what she’d wanted. She’d thought she’d been moving on with her life.”

Emily sighed and twisted her wedding ring around her finger. She got out of her chair and crossed to the pictures, removing the one taken of she and Nikolas on her wedding day. Her fingers traced her ex-husband’s face.

“Two failed marriages in two years,” Brenda sighed. “It was two years ago this month that she’d asked for Zander for a divorce because she wanted to spend her life with Nikolas.”

“Why did you bring me here?” Jason demanded.

“Emily went though the breakup of her marriage alone,” Brenda said. “You were too busy with Sam and then you didn’t remember her at all. Even before you lost your memory, you were too busy with your own life to visit her. Emily had to seek you out to see you. You never came to her. Just another person who let her down. She’s going to spend her Christmas pretending she’s over Nikolas. Pretending it’s okay that Courtney and Nikolas are happy together. Pretend that she doesn’t mind doing things with them and with Lucky and Elizabeth.”

Brenda held out her hand. “She’s going to spend Christmas alone because there’s no one who cares to share it with her.”

Jason hesitantly touched her hand and told himself he’d check on Emily in the morning.

Their next stop was an apartment that was also familiar to him–not the furniture or the possessions within it, but the layout. He frowned and realized his reason for the destination when he saw Elizabeth curled up in a large chair, Cameron on her lap and A Christmas Carol in her hands.

“I wonder where Daddy is,” Elizabeth murmured to her son, kissing him on top of the head. “He should be home by now.”

Cameron giggled and smacked the book. “Cookie!”

Jason found himself smiling and decided that no matter what feelings he may have had for her, they were obviously better off now.

“You’re wrong,” Brenda said in a sing song voice. “You know this apartment because Courtney used to live here and you used to spend time here guarding her. Being here is what cost you Elizabeth in the first place. You had just told her poor girl you wanted a relationship with her and then you disappeared on her. You faked Sonny’s death and let her mourn him. You let her feel terrified that you were out hunting his killer. Instead, you were guarding Courtney and you were guarding me. Is it any wonder that when she found out you were seeing Courtney that she wondered when it had started?”

Jason swallowed. “I didn’t…”

“No, you didn’t. But you never assured Elizabeth of that. So she was replaced again in her mind. Never coming first, never really mattering.” Brenda waved that away. “Anyhow, that’s all in the past. Can’t change the past. Elizabeth here is living week-to-week trying to support her baby and her new husband, who hasn’t yet made it home for Christmas. She can’t imagine why because he’s supposed to be out on medical leave until after the new year.”

The telephone rang and Elizabeth leaned towards the coffee table to grab the cordless receiver. “Hello? Lucky!” Her face brightened. “You’re not out doing any last minute shopping are you?” Her face dimmed and she looked away from her son. “Oh. Oh. Well…I understand. You need–we need the money. I wish you had–right.” She swallowed. “I love you too, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She hung up the phone and sighed. “Well, Cam, Daddy has to work tonight so why don’t we put this book away for next year and get you to sleep.”

She lifted her son into her arms and went into the back bedroom.

“He’s not working, not really,” Brenda said. “He just told her that so she wouldn’t worry. He’s not officially on the clock but Lucky feels like he has a duty to track Manny Ruiz down. He caused the train wreck and he kidnapped Elizabeth only days before their wedding.”

Jason looked at her. “What? Why?”

“When Sam shot him, he needed a nurse. He grabbed the first one he saw, who happened to be Elizabeth. She escaped because she’s got a good head on her shoulders but Lucky wants his blood. So he’s going rogue and determined to bring Ruiz in on his own.” Brenda shrugged. “He obviously doesn’t understand his wife very much if he’s thinks its both okay to lie to her and to miss their first Christmas as a family.”

She held out her hand again. “Let’s go.”

Jason eyed her apprehensively. “I’m not sure I want to,” he said.

Brenda narrowed her eyes and wiggled her fingers. “Hey look, pal, this is not my first choice for spending the holiday but I got a job to do here so just take my damn hand and let’s get this over with.”

Jason sighed and reluctantly took the brunette’s hand.

She had taken him to the bar he’d bought for Sam in Hawaii and Jason frowned. Sam was supposed to be with her brother, not hanging out in some dingy bar this late. He scowled when he saw his fiancée tossing back a shot of whiskey–and from the line of shot glasses in front of her, it was not her last.

She turned to the man sitting next to her and raised another small glass in the air. “To Jason Morgan, the man who doesn’t understand holidays!” she announced in a slurred voice before tossing it back.

Jason flinched and tried to remember that she was drunk and feeling a little frustrated. It had been a rough few months for her and she was blowing off steam, he told himself.

“Man, she does know that you lost your memory right?” Brenda scowled. “I mean, I make fun of you, but I’m entitled. I’ve known you longer than five minutes.”

“Sam’s just upset,” Jason attempted to explain but his words were drowned out by the catcalls at the men around the bar. Sam was leaning back, her collarbone exposed. The man she’d toasted with poured his liquor into the hollow of her throat and licked it up. Sam giggled and called for another round for the entire bar.

Jason swallowed hard. “Is this really happening?” he asked huskily. “Or am I just…having a vivid dream?”

“You don’t dream,” Brenda murmured. “I wish I could tell you that you can avoid this but unfortunately, by the time you wake up, it will have already happened.” She wriggled her shoulders. “Anyway, there are worse things happening in the lives of the people around you.”

“Like what?” Jason demanded. “What could be possibly worse than this?” he gestured at the bar where Sam was now sitting in the guy’s lap, continuing to giggle as he nibbled at her throat.

“This.” Brenda snatched his hand and Jason was thrust into the next scene.

Carly’s room at Rose Lawn. He recognized that immediately. Carly was curled up in her bed, staring out the window–the new bars glimmering in the moonlight.

“What…” Jason frowned. “What’s with the bars?”

“She was treating this place like a hotel,” Brenda shrugged. “So they took away her privileges. They barred her windows, locked her doors, took away her radio, her computer, her television. She leaves the room only for therapy sessions and even then, it’s under strict supervision. She can’t go home for Christmas and she can’t have any visitors.”

Carly turned to her other side to peer at a picture of her children. She reached out to trace their faces.

“But she was doing so much better,” Jason said quietly.

“Sure,” Brenda shrugged. “But Carly when she’s normal is abnormal on most people’s scales. Sonny refuses to help her get out of here and Lorenzo will have nothing to do with her. They’ve blocked her calls to everyone else. She’s trapped in here until the doctors say she’s well enough to leave.”

“What if they never do?” Jason demanded.

Brenda shrugged. “She’ll never leave.” She held out her hand. “You ready to see more?”

“No,” Jason said darkly.

“Chill. There’s only one place left and it’s quick.” She wiggled her fingers and finally Jason took them.

It was a dark alley now and Jason didn’t recognize this place at all. He saw someone crouch behind a dumpster as he watched two people in the distance. “What’s this?”

“That is Lucky Spencer,” Brenda said gesturing the man crouched, his gun drawn. “And that is Manny Ruiz. Lucky’s managed to track him down but he’s about to pay the price for interfering in a world he does not understand.”

Jason watched with a sick feeling in his stomach as he remembered Elizabeth. First in the diner, looking forward to her first family Christmas and then in her tiny apartment with her little boy and her disappointment when she’d put the book back on the shelf.

He watched a man silently stepped up behind Lucky Spencer and put the tip of a gun to the spot just behind his ear.

Lucky never even saw him coming, never even felt the gun. Jason could do nothing to stop the inevitable. The man pulled the trigger and Lucky slumped to the ground.

“The last thing he thought about?” Brenda murmured. Her sad brown eyes found Jason’s horrified blue ones. “He was thinking about the promotion and raise he’d be sure to get when Manny was brought in. That Elizabeth would be so proud of him for finding a way out of their financial mess.”

“She’d be devastated if this happened,” Jason said quietly. “She loves him.”

“She loves the idea of him,” Brenda corrected, but not unkindly. “Of having someone to come home to, of having a family. But yes, she will be devastated when his body is found tomorrow morning and Mac Scorpio and Lucky’s partner come to tell her the news. She’ll be devastated because he is dead and betrayed by the fact that he lied to her.” Brenda sighed. “Your sister is having thoughts about suicide, your best friend Carly is heading towards another nervous breakdown, Manny Ruiz is about to widow a woman you once loved more than anything and I didn’t even show you Sonny–who’s so lonely now he’s kicked your sister out. But yeah, Sam living up to her reputation and making out with strangers is the worst thing that could happen.”

She rolled her eyes. “Let’s go.”

“I never said that was the worst thing,” Jason said, frowning because he’d forgotten about Sam’s betrayal during this moment. “What will happen to Elizabeth? To Emily?” He swallowed. “To Carly, Sonny and Sam?”

“That’s not for me to answer.” Brenda sighed and held out her hand. “Let’s go home, okay?”

+9

Bells will be ringing
The glad, glad news
Oh, what a Christmas
To have the blues
My baby’s gone
I have no friends
To wish me greetings
Once again

The next time Jason opened his eyes, he did so slowly, peeking out from beneath his lids for any type of strange look from his penthouse or perhaps a strange person wandering near the couch. When he only saw the dark empty space, he breathed a sigh of relief, opened his eyes fully and started to sit up.

Standing near the door, hidden by shadows a figure stood. Jason jumped, startled. “Who are you?” he demanded.

The figure said nothing. Jason squinted to see him more clearly but could only make out the dark cloak they wore. “I guess you’re the representative from the Ghost of Christmas Future,” he muttered. He scrubbed his hands over his eyes and swung his legs over the side of the couch to stand. “Let’s get this over with.”

The figure held out his hand and Jason frowned before crossing the room and reaching for it. A little silence after the headache of Brenda was actually nice. He wondered what the future could possibly bring that would be worse than the present he’d just visited.

The swirling mists were familiar to him by now and he recognized the location that materialized as they faded away. It was Kelly’s diner and his sister was sitting at a table across from Sonny. Jason frowned–he would have thought that friendship would have faded once Carly came home. He blinked. Maybe Carly hadn’t come home at all.

“I’m worried,” Future Emily said softly. She reached for Sonny’s hand and Jason noticed the sparkle of a ring he didn’t recognize on her finger. “He’s been so…lost.”

Future Sonny took her hand and covered it with his other. “He’ll find his way back, Em. He’s stronger than he looks.”

“I suppose.” Emily smiled down at their hands. “Our first Christmas together,” she murmured. “It would be so perfect if he were there.”

“It’s too much for him,” Sonny told her. He stood and kissed her hand. “I have to get back to the warehouse. I’ll see you at home?”

“Of course.” Emily tilted her face up and gave Jason a jolt of shock as Sonny leaned down to kiss her.

“What the hell?” Jason demanded of the shrouded figure. “When did that happen?”

The figure didn’t answer. He only extended his hand again. Casting a dark look back at the scene, Jason took it and gratefully let the two people fade away.

An apartment faded in next–he didn’t recognize this one and felt almost closed in at the small size. It was little more than one room with a kitchenette in the corner, an open door leading to a very tiny bathroom and a bed in the opposite corner with a small crib next to it. A shabby couch and battered television completed the look and Jason began have to a very bad feeling about the whole thing.

It was confirmed when he glanced at the newspaper addressed to Elizabeth Spencer and realized it the newspaper for Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He frowned and looked back at the irritatingly silent figure, “She moved?” he demanded.

The door opened and Elizabeth walked in, tugging Cameron the toddler behind her. Her son was crying loudly and Elizabeth, looking thinner than he could have thought possibly, tried to pick him up but her weak arms only got him as high as the couch where she left him, too exhausted to think straight.

She collapsed next to him and closed her eyes. The faint shadows he’d seen earlier that day were now dark. Her eyes were nearly sunken in and she looked so unhealthy he wanted to lift her in his arms and take her to the nearest hospital.

“What happened to her?” Jason demanded. “Lucky had life insurance, didn’t he? She has friends and family back in PC. Why is she here all alone?”

The figure didn’t answer and Jason began to wonder what the ramifications might be if he applied just the right amount of pressure to the neck of the representative of the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Elizabeth looked at the still crying Cameron and sighed. “I’m sorry, baby. I know you were looking forward to a tree but Mommy’s last check bounced and we can’t afford it.”

“Presents?” Cameron sniffled. “G.I. Joe doll?”

Elizabeth bit her lip and shook her head. “No, I’m sorry, baby. Maybe next year.”

Jason shook his head. He wouldn’t let his happen to her. The future wasn’t here yet, he could keep her from going to Pittsburgh, he could give her anything she needed. She didn’t deserve this –she deserved anything but this.

The figure held out his hand again and Jason took it, resolved to keep at least this from coming true.

He took Jason to a cemetery next. Jason felt a chill go down his spine. “Why are we here?” he asked. A thought occurred to him then and it nearly made him pitch to his knees. “Have I died?” he asked.

The figure gestured to a nearby gravestone and Jason stepped towards it to read the letters.

It wasn’t his.

Jason sank to his knees and stared at the headstone. “She’s dead?” he whispered. “How?”

When no answer was forthcoming, Jason got to his feet and grabbed at the cloaked figure. “Damn you!” he growled. He yanked the figure towards him. “Give me some damn answers!”

The figure wrestled himself from Jason’s grip and took a few steps back. He lowered his hood.

“Well, well, little brother,” an unfamiliar man sneered. “It’s so nice to see you lose that legendary control.”

Jason scowled. “And who the hell are you? I’m getting a little sick and tired of all of this–”

“You don’t know your own brother?” the man remarked. “After all, I’m the one who smashed your head into a rock and turned you in the fine upstanding citizen that you are now.”

Jason exhaled slowly. “AJ.”

AJ nodded. “That’s right. They thought it would be…” he smirked, “amusing if I were the one to give you all this happy news.” He gestured towards the headstone. “Carly committed suicide by the way. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving bitch. Emily nursed Sonny through his neverending guilt and he was there for her when you became incommunicado because that whore of yours cheated on you. You disappeared from Port Charles and haven’t even come home once.” He shoved the cloak off and put his hands on his hips, making a circle around Carly’s grave. “As for poor Nurse Spencer, after her husband died, she found out she was pregnant–again. She miscarried–again–and this time, she found out she can’t have any more kids.” AJ’s eyes were sad now. “She was devastated naturally. And then her grandmother died. Nikolas was caught up in his own grief, in his own life and so was Emily. She had no one. So she took a low paying job in Pittsburgh after cut backs at the hospital here made her lose her job.” He shrugged. “You see what being selfish does to you, Golden Boy?”

“Go to hell,” Jason muttered. He looked away. “I want to go home.”

“Home to what?” AJ shrugged. “A cheating whore? A suicidal insane best friend? Another best friend who’s so wrapped up in his own life and seducing our little sister that he doesn’t care about your pain? Or how about to the widowed mother who lost her entire world because the life you lead?” He snorted. “What’s there to go home to?”

He walked away from Jason and bled into the mists until there was only Jason left in a cold cemetery with Carly’s headstone peering up at him in the moonlight.

Jason exhaled slowly and stared at the stone, wondering what had finally driven his friend to this ending. She’d always seemed stronger than this–how could he have let this happen to her? How could he have let any of this happen to the people in his life?

None of this was really happening, Jason decided. He would wake up and he would call Sam, and she’d be asleep. In her hotel room, like she was supposed to be. Emily and Nikolas would get remarried, Carly would come home healthy…and Elizabeth would have the life and family she deserved.

None of this could be happening.

He closed his eyes and willed himself to wake up.

+7

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Jason slowly opened his eyes and sat up. Sunlight streamed through his window, telling him it was morning. The long night seemed to have ended but had it all been a dream? Had he seen visions of holidays past, present and future?

He rubbed his hands over his eyes and reached for his cell phone. He would call Sam, she would be still celebrating December 24 with the time difference.

“Hello?” a groggy male voice answered. It was not Sam’s. It was not her brother’s.

Jason closed his phone and gently set it on the table. Somehow, in the scheme of things, it didn’t matter anymore.

He needed to see his sister.

Emily was curled up on one of the patio chairs when he approached the house from the back. She was bundled up in a pink parka, a white hat pulled over her head. She raised her eyes at the sound of his boots crunching in the snow. “Jason,” she murmured. She held out a hand. “How do you always know when I need you?”

“I wanted to check on you.” Jason took her hand and knelt in front of her. “How are you?”

“Oh…Jason…” Emily sighed. “I thought I was at rock bottom last night. I was so…so tired. So miserable.” She tilted her head back to look at the sky. “If I could have only known how much worse it could get…”

“Emily…” Jason prompted. “What happened?”

“There was a call from the police station this morning,” Emily murmured. “Justus was seeing a client down there and happened to be there when the news was called in. Lucky’s dead, Jason. He was found in an alley.”

Jason’s heart sunk. “Elizabeth?”

“Devastated. I went over there–but she wouldn’t let me in. She won’t let her grandmother in, I’m so scared for, Jason. She barely survived losing him once but it’s so different now. They had this whole life planned and I’m just…he was my best friend, Jason. Nikolas’s brother. It doesn’t seem fair.”

“I’m sorry,” Jason murmured. “Do they know what happened?”

Emily shook her head. “I’m so scared for her. She’s so proud, Jason and I don’t know what she’s going to do without Lucky’s income. They’ve been cutting her hours at the hospital and she and Lucky cashed in his insurance policy months ago to pay bills.” She closed her eyes. “He wasn’t killed in the line of duty, so she won’t even get anything from the department.”

“It’s going to be okay,” Jason told her. He squeezed her hand. “We’ll find a way to take care of her.”

Emily frowned and sniffled. “How–you don’t remember Elizabeth do you?” she asked, startled. “Did you get your memory back?”

“No,” Jason said honestly. “Not entirely but I’ve had some…flashes of memories and I know that Elizabeth and I have been friends for years.” He stood and pulled her to her feet. “But Elizabeth isn’t the only thing on your mind.”

“It doesn’t matter right now.” Emily cleared her throat. “Where’s Sam?”

“In Hawaii. We’re not…we’re not seeing each other anymore.”

Emily blinked. “When did that happen?” she asked as Jason guided her down the steps and towards the garages where his bike was parked.

“About an hour ago. It’s not important, Em.”

“But…” Emily shook her head. “I don’t understand, Jase. What’s going on? Where are we going?”

“We’re going to see Elizabeth and what’s going on is that you’re my sister and I love you and what’s going on with you is important to me, okay?” He helped her onto the bike. “I know you’re upset about Nikolas–”

“It’s not really Nikolas anymore,” Emily sighed. “It’s my whole life.” She wrapped her arms around his waist. “What happened with Sam, Jason?”

“I’m not really sure,” Jason said quietly. “But this morning, when I woke up, things were different.”

Elizabeth was curled up in a corner of the couch, staring at a mindless Christmas cartoon. Cameron was toddling around the apartment, playing with the few toys she and Lucky had been able to afford.

Her eyes were dazed and slightly unfocused, her cheeks tearstained and the shadows beneath her eyes more pronounced than ever. In the background, the phone kept ringing and the answering machine kept recording sympathy calls from friends, calls of concern from her grandmother, from Lucky’s partner Jesse and his girlfriend Maxie. Nikolas had pounded her on her door a little while ago and Emily had knocked timidly.

She heard none of these things or the click of the door as the lock was undone and the door swung up. Jason stood and slipped his tools back in his jeans pocket and let Emily enter before him.

“Oh, Liz!” Emily rushed in and pulled her friend into a hug. “Honey, I’m so sorry…”

Elizabeth turned and focused on Emily. “He left me again,” she murmured. Tears suddenly welled up in her eyes and slid down her cheeks. “He meant everything to me and he’s gone.”
Cameron toddled up to Jason and remembered him from the diner the night before. He held his hands up in the air. “Up!” he demanded. “Up! Up!”

Almost absently, Jason lifted the small boy into his arms and kept his eyes on Elizabeth.

“I don’t…” Elizabeth broke then and buried her face in Emily’s hair. “I don’t understand! We were just starting our lives, we have a baby, we were supposed to be happy!”

Emily didn’t have an answer to that but only hugged her friend more tightly. Jason heard footsteps behind him and saw Mac Scorpio and Jesse Beaudry coming up the hall. He stepped outside the door to block their entry.

“We have to ask her a few questions,” Mac said apologetically. “If we could do it now…we could get the answers more quickly to find out what happened.”

Jesse shifted. “We need to know why he might have been in that alley last night,” he shrugged, trying to pretend that his partner’s death didn’t affect him.

Jason didn’t answer either of them but went into the apartment. “Elizabeth…” He set Cameron next to Emily and kneeled in front of her. “Mac and Jesse want to ask you a few questions.”

She focused on him. “What? Why?”

“So they can investigate…” Jason hesitate. “It might be easier to get it over with now.”

“Nothing about this day will be easy.” Elizabeth slowly stood and rubbed her eyes before heading towards the door.

Jason stayed with her for most of the day, watching over her as she answered the questions and absorbed Jesse’s reluctant confession that Lucky wanted to track down Manny Ruiz. That sent Elizabeth into a fit of tears–that Lucky had wanted revenge on Manny for what he’d done to her.

Later, when Audrey and Nikolas had arrived followed by a grief-stricken Luke and Lesley Lu, Jason quietly took his leave, resolving to stop by once a day to make sure his nightmare never came true. She would come out of this strong, not defeated and he would see to it that she never had to go through what his dream had depicted.

He went straight to Rose Lawn and broke into Carly’s room to see her. Her eyes brightened at his entrance. “We’re going to get you out of here,” he informed her. “I’ll get power of attorney from Alcazar and I’m going to take you home.”

Carly squeezed his hands. “I knew you’d come for me,” she said fiercely. “You always do.”

“I have to go before I’m found in here,” Jason told her. He hugged her. “One condition, though. If I get you out, you have to promise me you’ll let me live my own life and make my own decisions.”

Carly frowned. “I always do–”

“Carly,” Jason said, shaking his head.

“I just weigh in with my opinion,” she began to argue but he kissed her forehead and left her sputtering.

He returned to his penthouse where he found his sister waiting. She stood and crossed her arms. “I didn’t forget what you said about Sam this morning.”

Jason sighed. “How’s Elizabeth?” he said instead going to the kitchen to get something to eat.

Emily scowled but followed him and watched as he opened a bag of pretzels and began to eat. “She’s doing okay. We bundled her and Cameron up to stay with Audrey for a while.” She shifted. “Jason–”

“It’s important that you pay attention to her,” he interrupted. “That we take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs.”

“Of course,” Emily said, somewhat mystified. “That’s what Lucky would have wanted.” She shifted again. “About Sam–”

“I still care about her but it wouldn’t have worked,” Jason said. “She doesn’t understand me and she doesn’t try to. She doesn’t trust me to do my job and tries to decide what I should know and shouldn’t know. I don’t have the time or the patience for that.” He shrugged. “Plus, some guy answered her cell phone this morning so…”

Emily gaped. “Wait, wait, I don’t understand–”

He set the pretzels down and gripped his sister by the shoulders. “All you have to understand, Emily, is that I know what my life was before and I know what it could be like if I don’t start taking control again and protecting the people I care about. I’m okay about Sam, I really am.”

“But you were engaged–”

“It was a mistake,” Jason said. “It was based on something I thought I needed and I didn’t. Emily, you have to trust me to know what’s right for me.”

“Of course I do.” Emily sighed and wrapped her arms around him. “Will you go with me to see Elizabeth tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“And can you shove Courtney off a pier?” she asked, half serious.

“Anything for my sister.” He kissed her hair. “Are you okay?”

“Right now, I am,” Emily sighed. “Ask me again in five minutes when this all hits me again.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Jase?” she pulled away and smiled faintly up at him. “Merry Christmas.”

Through the years
We all will be together
If the Fates allow,
Hang a shining star
On the highest bough,
And have yourself
A merry little Christmas now

+12