Emily leaned against the door frame of Elizabeth’s room, watched her carefully apply mascara, then blink to let her eyes adjust. “You know, I’m not even going to ask about it today.”

“Uh huh.” Elizabeth glanced down at her collection of lipstick, considered which color to wear tonight. She looked back at the long mirror fastened to the open closet door, and smoothed down the sides of the hot pink tube tube, and checked it from the back to be sure it hadn’t slid up there either. “I don’t want to match to the shirt, but you know, my regular red doesn’t seem right either.”

“Because I’ve decided,” Emily continued, ignoring her friend, “that Jason coming to breakfast yesterday while you were working, and not even blinking when Juan joined us plus hooking us up with these amazing tickets for the club tonight is a sign that whatever happened that night was a good thing.”

“You know, either one of us could have just asked Luke to tickets tonight.” Elizabeth decided to go with a bubble gum pink. “It’s not like Jason is our only source.”

“Yeah, but we didn’t have to. Jason came to you—”

“Us—”

“Handed the tickets to you because he knew you liked her. My brother has never, in his entire life, heard of Pink.” Emily made a face. “How did Luke even get her?”

“I have stopped asking how Luke knows people, especially after I found out B.B. King opened the club. I mean, seriously — the man saved the world, right?” Elizabeth flicked through her tiny jewelry collection, then decided to go without anything. She looked at her sister. “I probably mentioned what I was listening to once and Jason remembered. It’s not that deep—”

“Okay, but he remembered and now we’re going to this party tonight with one of the hottest artists in the country because my brother knows you like her. Not me. You.” Emily lifted her brows. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell me what happened the night you talked?”

“I did tell you.” Elizabeth stepped into her black platform wedge sandals. “These things are magical. I go from barely visible to normal height in five seconds. I hope they never go out of style.”

“Can you focus on something other than how you look for five seconds—” Emily furrowed her brow. “Are you dressing up for my brother? Are you sure you’re not dating?”

“I don’t even know if Jason’s going tonight,” Elizabeth said. “He didn’t know either, remember?” She sighed, looked at her best friend. “I told you. We understand each other now, and it’s all okay.”

“No, no—” Emily followed her down the hall and into the living space of the pool house, still littered with a few boxes Elizabeth hadn’t unpacked yet. “No. A week ago, you were all mopey and he barely left the garage. Now I’ve seen him out in the wild, and you’re all fine and even happy. But you’re not dating. This does not add up, Elizabeth Imogene, and we’re going to fight—”

Elizabeth turned to face Emily. “I promise I’m not trying to be coy or whatever, it’s just—I don’t know how to describe it without going into details, and they’re just for us. You know? Like, okay, I’ll tell you it was a very intense conversation and we put pretty much everything out there. I know he stands, and he knows where I’m at, and we’re both mostly okay with it.”

“Mostly? Come on—”

“I think—” Elizabeth paused at the door, fiddling with the latch on her clutch. “Okay, I’m pretty sure we’re both a little sad about it, but I also understand it. I do,” she insisted when her best friend just rolled her eyes. “You can be sad and be at peace with something at the same time, okay?”

“I guess. And Jason did get you those tickets—”

“Us.  He gave us four—”

“Handed them to you,” Emily repeated. “Breakfast was for me, but this was for you. And that gives me a little hope that wherever things are, that you’re right, that they’re better. I just—come on, just tell me one itty bitty thing so I can feel better—”

Elizabeth pulled the door open, looked back at Emily, arched her brow. “Okay. Your brother has great hands.”

Emily’s jaw dropped. “You bitch. That doesn’t make me feel better because ew—”

“Keep pushing, Em, and I’ll tell you where his hands were—”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up—I’m going to have nightmares.”

—

Across town, at Luke’s, where the club was already crowded and the music was already too loud, Jason nursed a beer and wondered where his sanity had gone. A question that Sonny had also asked when he volunteered to go to the club that night instead of sending someone else who, you know, liked people.

“You hate all of this,” Sonny had said with confusion. “Are you sick? Are you dying?”

“Just shut up or I’ll make you go,” Jason said, and that had been the end of it. They’d agreed that someone needed to be there every night in case Moreno tried something. Luke’s was on the border of the territories and was usually the target whenever the idiot wanted to show off.

But Jason had picked this night because he knew Elizabeth and Emily would be there. And he’d given Elizabeth the tickets the morning he’d gone to breakfast with Emily because he was trying to…do something. Be less alone, less isolated, he thought. He’d already been out more in the last week than he had in months. And it was better, he had to admit to himself. It filled the time more, and he’d forgotten that as little as he liked people, he didn’t mind watching them. As long as they left him alone.

He saw Elizabeth first as she edged around someone. She turned and laughed to someone behind her—Emily, he realized a moment later. But it was Elizabeth he was looking at, wearing some stretchy pink thing that wrapped around her and a pair of tight black pants that stopped halfway down her calf. Her hair was arranged in curls that bounced more when she walked, and she was still smiling — a real one. They found their table, and sat down, joined a few minutes later by Nikolas and Juan.

Elizabeth looked around the club, towards the bar, and their eyes met. She grinned at him, waved slightly, but then turned back to the others, and he exhaled slowly. It was a good thing she was out of arm’s reach, he thought, and lifted his beer for another drink.

A few minutes later, the lights dimmed and the crowd got quieter. Lights flashed on the stage and a woman strode out, her short hair dyed a shocking color pink. She reached for the microphone, and music started.

Please don’t come around talking bout that you love me
‘Cause that love sh— just ain’t for me

—

Towards the end of the night, Elizabeth headed for the restroom, hoping to get back before the last set started. When she exited, tossing out the towel she’d used to dry her hands so she wasn’t looking right in front of her, she walked straight into a broad chest.

“Oof, sorry—” Elizabeth’s hands went up, and she grinned when she saw it was Jason who had automatically put his hands at her hips to steady her. He released her like she was on fire and backed up a step. “Hey. Trying to escape all the noise?”

“It’s not so bad,” Jason said. He shoved his hands in his pockets. “But yeah, Luke and I were in the back. I had to leave when he pulled out the cigar.”

“Oh, right? It’s awful. I love him, but he needs to quit. Nasty.” She leaned a shoulder against the wall. “Well, I know this is your idea of hell, but I’m having the best time. Thank you. Really.”

“I mean, I know you could have gotten tickets on your own,” Jason said, a bit hesitantly. “But I didn’t know—this was a private party, and he doesn’t always advertise those. I remember—” He touched the edge of his eyebrow with his index finger. “You said you liked her.”

“Yeah, almost three months ago on the island—” She tipped her head to the side. “And she only had the one song out. I can’t believe you remembered.”

“I told you—” Their eyes met, and her breath caught slightly. “I like to listen to you talk.”

Behind them, back in the main area of the club, the music started, a slower, more sultry beat.

I ain’t looking for a steady thing

“I mean, I know you said, um, said that, but I guess—” She licked her lips, and his eyes dropped to her mouth. “I didn’t realize you, like, actually listened. I thought you just liked the…” Heat rose in her cheeks and she had to look away. “I don’t know.”

I ain’t looking for what love brings

“What did you think I meant?”

‘Cause I’m still young and I ain’t ready, babe

“That you liked the way I sounded, maybe. You know, like you could tune me out. That’s what most people do.” She didn’t know what to do with her hands, and suddenly understood what he meant about needing to keep distance.

I’m still looking for some better days

“Well, I’m not most people.” He hesitated, his hand raised between them, and then he gently brushed a curl behind her ear. “We should go back out there.”

I don’t wanna give you everything
I just wanna make you feel things

“Yeah, probably. But, um, I’m okay right here,” Elizabeth said. She leaned into the caress of his fingers when he pulled back from touching her hair. “Am I allowed to say that?”

You ain’t gotta give me everything
Just throw it away, hey

“You can say whatever you want.”

“Maybe. But I can’t really do what I want, can I?” she murmured.

Don’t assume ’cause I’m a woman that I’ll fall in love

Don’t expect I’m young and need to be took care of

She regretted it as soon as the words were out of his mouth, and he sighed, looked away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

“It’s okay—”

Don’t assume ’cause I’m a woman that I’ll fall in love
Don’t expect I’m young and need to be took care of

“It’s not. I promised you we’d go back to being friends, and I’m—” She dipped her head down. “First chance I have, I’m pushing against that and I don’t want to—”

“I told you it wouldn’t be simple,” he murmured, and she looked back up at him. “Friends. It’s just not the right word, is it?”

You’ve gotta understand my side

I’ve had a crazy, crazy life

“No,” she breathed. “It’s not. But I don’t know if there’s a word for any of this. For you. For how I feel, or what you’ve done for me. I want to be what you need—”

“You don’t have to be anyone but yourself.”

Please believe me
I’ve been down this road and back again

“Okay. Then I want you to be you, too. And maybe this is who we are right now.” She stepped towards him just a little. “You said you wanted me to say whatever I wanted, so I will. But you have to promise me you’ll do the same. A-nd we’ll just go from there.”

“I—I can do that. I think,” he said.

Learned a lesson and it was that love is not your friend (not my friend)
The day I put my trust in you
Will be the day I say, “I do”

“Then, what I want to say is I need to get back out there before they send a search party, but that I like this. Talking to you. Just us.” With trembling fingers, she reached out to touch his chest for a moment. “But it doesn’t mean I expect anything.”

Don’t expect me just to open up
Maybe I’m just a little scared
Please, don’t tell me what you think

“You don’t?”

“Hope and expectations are very different things,” Elizabeth told him, “and I never promised you I wouldn’t hope.” She leaned up, brushed her lips against his cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

I wanna hear
Oh baby, save it
I’ve heard it all before
There ain’t nothing you could say, oh, to make me change my ways

And even though it took every ounce of her willpower, she turned away and went back to the club and her friends.

——

Jason waited until the club had nearly emptied out, sure that if anything was going to happen it would be when it was the crowdest and rowdy for maximum effect. But maybe Moreno was going to think twice with such a high profile act. When they reached the end of the performance, and the woman with the pink hair packed her things and disappeared back stage, Jason exhaled his first easy breath of the night. It was starting to clear out.

Elizabeth and the others had left a few minutes ago, and Jason waited until he could be almost sure they were gone. That little meeting with Elizabeth in the hallway had nearly been the end of him, and a couple more encounters like that, and he’d be toast.

He finished his second beer of the night, slid it over the counter to the bartender cleaning up. But maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing, he thought, heading for the door. Elizabeth never did anything he expected, so maybe it would all turn out okay.

Jason exited the club just in time to see Nikolas climbing into his Jaguar—and to see the trio of his sister, Juan, and Elizabeth waiting with the parking attendant. “Oh. You’re still here.”

“Nikolas paid the guy to drive very slow,” Emily said with a roll of her eyes. “He’s very protective of his baby.”

“You’d be protective of that car, too,” Juan argued, stepping up as the next attendant returned with a car Jason didn’t recognize. “You just can’t appreciate a fine luxury car—”

“It drives, Juan, that’s all I have to appreciate.” But she smiled, leaned up to kiss her boyfriend. “Jase, thanks again for the tickets. This was so much fun. And I’m really glad you came.”

“Me, too,” Elizabeth said, looking at him for the first time. She folded her arms, smiled, then looked back at Emily. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Jason frowned, realizing she wasn’t moving towards the car, that only Emily and Juan were. Oh—he made a face. His sister wasn’t going home tonight. And Elizabeth was the last to leave—

“Don’t worry, I’m not taking the bus,” Elizabeth said when he opened his mouth. “Em and I came together, so I’ve got her car.” She nodded to the attendant who had her keys in his hand and headed across the parking lot. “Though the universe does like putting us together, so I’m a little sad I can’t talk you into a ride home on the bike.”

So was he, though there was a bit of relief mixed in with that. He wouldn’t survive another encounter with her right now with his determination intact. But even knowing that, he opened his mouth to suggest leaving Emily’s car here and taking her home anyway because he had zero common sense.

Bright headlights washed over Elizabeth’s face, and she squinted, looking in the direction. “What the—” She put an arm up to shield herself—

It was all happening in slow motion—the crunch of the wheels over the gravel parking lot, the window rolling down, the flash of a barrel of a gun—

And the sound of shots peppering the metallic side of the club as Jason dove forward, shoving Elizabeth to the ground, the hot, familiar pain of a bullet tearing into his skin as they landed.

Song is Stop Falling by P!nk

See you July 1!

+39

Written in 68 minutes.

May 2000

He didn’t move a muscle, frozen solid to the ground, her soft lips covering his hesitantly, her fingers trembling against his chest, pressure light, almost non-existent. And he just let it happen, half thinking she’d pull away, and he’d survive this with his sanity intact—

Until she actually did, her hand sliding slowly away from his chest, her mouth leaving his, their eyes opening at the same time, her terrified blue depths looking back at him, almost bracing herself for the rejection. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t let her keep thinking that she wasn’t exactly what he wanted.

Jason caught her hand before it fell to her side, trapping against his chest, the way he had on that long ago night that haunted him more than it should, and then he leaned down, capturing her mouth with his, sliding his other hand into her hair, his fingers sliding through the silken strands. She made a sound, soft sigh then relaxed against him. Just a gentle caress at first but when her hand reached the back of his neck, her nails scraping lightly against his skin, he let go of the hand at his chest and dragged her against him, tilting her head back to deepen the kiss. Her mouth opened, and he dove in, learning, savoring the taste of her.

Somewhere in the back of his head he knew it was too much, too fast—his jacket hit the ground, and her hands fisting in the back of his shirt—his hands were at her hips, his fingers brushing the skin left bare by the hem of her t-shirt. She shivered slightly, breaking away just for a moment, and he kissed the soft skin beneath her jaw, trailing his lips back to her mouth, and taking it again. Her hands hands were underneath shirt, scorching a path from his abdomen upwards.

Jason walked her backwards just a few steps until they came to the table up against the far wall, and then he lifted her, her arms curling around his shoulders, never breaking contact, because if he stopped kissing her now, if he let himself think too much, it would be over and this was all there could be—

But maybe she knew it, too—knew that they couldn’t keep pushing forward because in another few minutes, his shirt would be gone, and maybe hers, too, and they’d reach a point of no return that neither of them were ready for. Her kisses slowed, and he returned his hands to cup her face.

When Elizabeth finally pulled away, she didn’t go far, kissing him again, but sweetly, with only slighted parted lips, a gentle caress. “Tell me,” she whispered, stroking his cheek, easing back just enough so that their eyes could find each other. “Tell me why we can’t have this.” He didn’t want to answer that, so he kissed her instead, but didn’t attempt to deepen it, mirroring the lightness of hers. He brushed his thumb across her bottom lip. “Tell me,” Elizabeth said again. “Because if you can’t, then neither can I. I just want to understand so I can find a way to live with it. You can tell me anything.”

He sighed, rested his forehead against hers, closed his eyes. “It’s hard,” he said finally, “to find the words. Because right now, I want to believe it’ll be different, but it never is.”

“What will be different?” she asked, that softness still here. No judgment. No resentment. Where did she find the courage to be that open, he wondered? Had he ever been like that?

“Your face.” He opened his eyes, found hers looking back at him with a mixture of warmth, desire, and maybe a little hope. “That you’ll always look at me this way. That it won’t change.”

“Why would it change?” She stroked her fingers down his neck. “Why wouldn’t I keep looking at you the way I do now?”

“Because it always does.” Jason moved back just half step, slightly standing between her parted legs, but not pressed against her. He reached for her hands, looked down at them, tracing the line on her palm.

“Always? Or do you mean Robin’s did?”

He sighed, then looked up. Still nothing approaching resentment or impatience. Just curiosity. He wanted to deny it, wanted to tell her this had nothing to do with the past. But he couldn’t lie to her. “Over and over, we argued and walked away from each other because of the choices I made. The life I chose,” he said. “We both tried to compromise, but we kept hurting each other until, I think, by the end she hated me. Maybe other people can make this work. But I can’t.”

“You think I’d do that?” Elizabeth asked, drawing her brows together. “Promise you that it wouldn’t matter and change my mind?”

“You wouldn’t mean to, and maybe you think you won’t. But I can’t—” His throat tightened and the words were stuck. “I can’t take that chance.”

“Why?”

Jason exhaled slowly, looked at her again. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about these last few months, the last year,” he admitted. “Wondering when I looked at you and something something more. It was your smile.”

“My smile?” Elizabeth blinked, her lips parting.

“It lights up your whole face. You just…you glow,” he murmured. He touched her cheek .”It’s contagious, and I’m smiling back before I even know what I’m doing. And all I want to do is protect that. To keep that light shining. That day outside of Kelly’s, after the airport with Emily, and Juan, and we were laughing. Do you remember that?”

“I—” She nodded, staring at him as if she’d never seen him before, but he kept talking because she had to understand, she had to see why it had to be this way. That it was for the best. “Lucky came, and we had a fight—”

“No. A fight has two sides. He only said a few words, and it was like—he flipped a switch, and that all went away, and I could see you crawling back inside yourself. I wanted to deck him,” Jason muttered.

“You came after me that day. You drove me home for the first time.” Her mouth trembled. “That was…that was so many months ago, Jason.”

“I just—I had to make sure you were okay. I told myself it was just because you’d done so much for Emily, and someone needed to fix it, but I never asked myself why it had to be me. I could listen to you talk, even when you ramble. You always apologize, but you could keep talking for hours, and I’d never stop you.”

“No, you never do,” she murmured. “I thought it was because you’d mostly tuned me out—”

“I just like the way you sound when you’re happy and how you throw yourself into everything. Everything that makes you who are, that makes you special, that makes me want you—” He took a deep breath. “My life would drain that away. The secrets, the dangers, the worry, the guilt of knowing what I do, I can’t do it. I can’t watch all of that go away. I can’t be someone who takes away the light.”

—

There was nothing in her entire life that prepared for her this entire night, for sitting on a table where Jason Morgan had lifted her while kissing her passionately, and then he’d spoken the most beautiful words anyone had ever spoken about her in her whole life. And he’d done it as a way to explain why despite all of that, it had to end here.  And he’d been so intensely open, vulnerable. She felt sure he could see her trembling because every piece of her was profoundly shaken.

Elizabeth licked her lips. “I’m scared, too,” she confessed and he tipped his head, just the slightest bit. Because of course, he hadn’t said those words, but she knew what he meant. She knew what was beneath all of that. “Not about your life, though, okay, now it’s on the table, I guess it should give me pause. And maybe I need to think about that more. It’s hard because I know who you are, we’ve talked about that. But I—I know that’s not what you mean. That it’s not living with the reality of it the way I would be if…if this was more.” She bit her lip, looked down at their hands, still joined. “But it’s not what scares me. And it’s not why I didn’t kiss you that night on the island. B-Because I could have.”

“What scares you?” he asked gently, and she lifted her gaze to his, bolstered by the concern, the kindness she saw there. And just like she’d promised he could tell her anything, she knew it was true for him.

“This…” She raised a hand to gently brush against his chest, the soft skin over the hard muscle, satin over steel. “The…physical stuff. It’s…too easy to say that I know you’d never hurt me. I do know that,” she added quickly. “But I—I also knew that about Lucky. And it wasn’t true.”

Jason exhaled on a slow, shaky breath. “Elizabeth.”

“I thought he was being patient with me, you know? He never, not once, pushed for more. Never got angry. Never complained. And I thought it was because he knew—because he’d been there, and that with time and trust, we’d get there.” She closed her eyes. “I didn’t know he was holding it in. That it was just one more thing I was doing wrong and he was building up this tidal wave of anger, resentment, frustration until he let it fly and in one minute, in just a few words—” She choked back a sob, and looked away.

Jason’s hands cupped her face, his thumbs gently brushing the tears away as they escaped. “You don’t have to—”

“I have to. I do. Because I need you to know that I’m scared, too. Right down to the bone, and you need to know why. I need to say it. You know the basics of it. The cheating. With you. You knew that already. B-but it’s not just that. It was—” She drew in a deep breath. “He said it was because you had experience and I wanted that to make sure I liked it this time.”

His eyes went cold, and every muscle visibly tensed as the words rolled through him. But his touch remained gently. “It is,” he began carefully, “a very good thing I did not know that four months ago.”

She laughed, but it came out as a broken sob and he leaned in, kissing her forehead. “It’s okay,” he murmured, his lips trailing down her cheeks, soothing away the tears, the horror of it. “I’m sorry. So sorry that he said that to you. That you ever had to hear it.”

Elizabeth fisted her hands in his shirt. “I’m scared because I never saw that coming. I never saw it, and I didn’t know that he could be that way—just a few words, and it destroyed everything I ever thought I knew. I can’t even look back and remember when it was sweet because it’s gone. I can’t trust it. A-and I’m scared that I can’t ever trust it again. That maybe you won’t get frustrated with me, too, and I know you wouldn’t. But I know it the way I thought I knew it about Lucky, and I hate that he took that from me. I worked so hard to get it back, and he stole it, and I don’t know if I get to have it back.”

They stood there for a long time, her ragged breathing gradually easing until it was calm again, and his anger had eased, his body relaxing.

Elizabeth opened her eyes, looked at him, and took a deep breath. “So I’m not going to promise you that my face won’t change. Because I don’t know the future. I could tell you that I’d make that choice knowing who you are, and complaining about it later seems like a dick move, but I know that’s not the point you’re making.” His smile was quick, but she was bolstered by it. “Just like you’re going to tell me you’d never rush me or resent any…problems in that area…though, I’m going to tell you—” She squinted, touched the table next to her. “Judging where I ended up, my brain mostly turns off when you touch me—so maybe not a big problem, actually.” Jason laughed, though it was just a quick, surprised burst of sound.

Elizabeth touched his face, her fingers trailing along his jaw, the smile on his fading. “But just because I’m ready to risk being wrong, that doesn’t mean you are, and that’s okay. Thank you. For telling me. For making me feel beautiful and cared about. I don’t know any other man who could reject someone so nicely.”

His brows drew together and he shook his head. “No. It’s not—” he sighed. “I don’t want it to be,” he muttered. “It’s stupid. I’d run into a burning building to save your life, and I wouldn’t care if it cost me mine. But this—” Jason hesitated. “I don’t know. It should be easier. And knowing what you want through just a few months ago, that you’re standing in front of me, ready to risk that again, you need to know I understand the gift you’re offering. That I’m—I’m not saying no because I want to—”

“Then I won’t offer it,” Elizabeth said softly. “We know where we both stand, right? We won’t close the door. We’ll just—” She gestured to to the space behind them. “We’ll go in another room. And if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

“That seems too easy,” he said, almost suspiciously. “Too simple.”

“It can be if we let it. Love—not that it’s what I’m saying,” she said quickly, “I’m just saying — that category of emotions, you know—it’s not supposed to be a burden you force on someone else. An obligation you suffer through. You reminded me of that when I was willing to suffer less. I care about you, and being angry about something you don’t seem very happy about either, well, it doesn’t really get us anywhere does it?”

“No, I guess not.” The corner of his mouth curved up.

“I think you’re worth waiting for,” Elizabeth said, and he just stared at her, then kissed her again, just a soft slow press of his mouth hinting at the passion he’d shown earlier.

Then he stepped away fully this time, putting distance between them. She slid off the table, and he cleared his throat, taking a few more steps away. Elizabeth lifted her brows. “You running away or something?”

“No. No. It’s just—” He scooped his jacket up from the ground, held it in both hands. “When you’re near enough to touch,” he muttered, “sometimes I can’t stop myself.”

She grinned now, a full blooming smile that she felt down to the tips of her toes. “You’re kidding, right? I’m sorry. I’m kind of obsessed with that idea, and I’m taking it as a compliment. But it’s okay…” She scooted to the other side of the table, flattened herself against the wall. “See? As far as I can go. I’ll stay right here. You’re safe.”

Jason laughed again, and it was less pained, more full and natural. “Okay. Great. You’re making fun of me.”

“Oh, absolutely.”

“I should go. My willpower only lasts for so long, and some—” He squinted at her. “I don’t think you’re going to help me.”

“Not in my best interest, so no.” She tipped her head, still smiling. “See. We can do this. We’ll go back to being friends. Even if we just run into each other at Kelly’s, and that’s all there is for right now.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. We’ll…try that.” Jason reached the door, touched the lock, then looked at her. “Okay, but also, we’re going to be friends who give new doors with better locks.”

+44

Written in 76 minutes.

May 2000

“Where’s your lesser half?” Luke asked, setting a bottle of Rolling Rock in front of Jason. “He too good for me?”

“Dealing with vendors at the warehouse.” Jason reached for the bottle. “He’s been doing all the paperwork down there since we opened last year—”

“Are you trying to invite the feds into the business?” Luke smirked, then poured himself a tumbler of whiskey. “You still pretending you’re just a garage mechanic?”

He wished he was just a mechanic, Jason thought, taking a long pull. “You said you had something about Moreno?”

Luke took the hint, sipped his drink. “Can’t prove anything which is why I said it could hold off a few days. People talk, they gossip, and I keep my ear to the ground. And the word is that Moreno is getting tired of the ceasefire. He’s not happy he’s been limited to just a few clubs and what’s left of the Courtland street market. It seems that he thinks you did him dirty when you sold out.”

“I—I didn’t—”

“Now, I know that, and so does everyone else. You had a kid to think about at the time, and Vega was more than happy to broker that deal to keep the bloodshed to a minimum. But you threw in with Sonny to get the territory back. Makes you look like a welsher.” Luke lifted a brow. “So don’t be surprised if when Moreno comes for you both, he’s gonna start with you and go harder.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Jason asked.

“I think I don’t know what goes on in your head these days. No one does. You and me, we used to talk. But maybe you think since you tried to murder my kid, I’m not still an ally.”

Jason hesitated, then exhaled. “If you’re looking for an apology—”

“Are you kidding? No. He’s not coming around the club anymore. I’ve told him about mouthing off to Sonny and you without a good reason. Not that Elizabeth isn’t a good reason, but somehow I doubt you schemed to break them up.”

“I don’t want to talk about this—” Jason started to shove the bottle back, preparing to leave, but Luke held out a hand.

“Then I’ll talk and you do what you do best and keep quiet. We go back, you and me, and I know the reason my kid didn’t end up freezing to death in that damned boxcar or under the docks was because you gave him a place and a job. I’m grateful for that. I don’t know what’s gotten into him. Every time I try to talk to him, he just feeds me that bullshit about Elizabeth going back to her old self, and I just—” Luke took another drink of the whiskey, his eyes troubled. “I don’t know if he hears it, you know? If he understands what he’s really saying. Because I believe him. She’s gone back to her old self. And he doesn’t like that. He didn’t like who she was before.”

Jason dropped his eyes to the green bottle, slowly the bottle back and forth in his hands. “Emily said something like that,” he admitted reluctantly.

“It messes me up to think he preferred her after. You didn’t know her then, and that’s good. You shouldn’t have that picture in your head, but I do. I can’t stop thinking about it. He brought her to back to our place that night, and I can’t—she was just shattered. Broken.” His gaze grew distant. “Nervous, twitchy. Couldn’t look anyone in the eye. Barely could talk. Barbara did what she could, but she was a mess. But then she pulled herself together. She had to. Didn’t want Audrey to know, so she had to pretend it was all normal.”

Luke rubbed his chest, troubled. “I saw her off and on over the next few months, and she fought her way back. I don’t know much about who she was before that night, but I know who she is today, and she’s special. She…” Luke hesitated, searched for the right word. “She sparkles. I stopped by that art thing she had. Barbara dragged me, and you should have seen the way she was smiling. And then my kid goes and talks about her like she’s garbage—hell.” He finished his whiskey.

“What’s your point, Luke?”

“I don’t know why Lucky’s taking it out on you—maybe because he knows he can’t say that to her face—God, I hope he’s not talking that way to her, don’t you tell me different. I’m sorry my kid threw that away. I thought I raised him better than that, but you know, maybe that was just a dream. But if there’s a chance there’s any truth to what he’s saying, if maybe you’re looking at her—”

“I’m—”

“I just hope you know how special she is.”

Jason finished his beer, got to his feet. “Yeah. I do. I tell Sonny what you said about Moreno.”

—

It had been a fantasy to think he could just quietly go back to the way it all had been before the island. That he could just put Elizabeth back into the compartment he’d labeled Emily’s friend and lock it up tight and forget any of this had happened. Even if he could, no one else seemed ready to let him. His sister was angry at him, Sonny was treating him like an idiot, Luke was trying to give him relationship advice, and Lucky was trying to speed run a broken jaw.  He’d have to resolve this situation and actually talk to Elizabeth, even if he had to do it with his hand tied behind his back.

But since he couldn’t just show up on Audrey Hardy’s doorstep and ask to see her granddaughter, he started with his sister. Though stepping foot on the Quartermaine estate wasn’t a welcome prospect either.

“I thought I felt a shift in the force,” Emily drawled, pulling open the door to the pool house, then leaning back against the frame. “I never thought I’d get you to visit me here.”

“I know three ways out of this place that never go near the house,” Jason said, shoving his hands in his jeans. “I, uh, thought we should talk.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’ve been trying to find the way to call and apologize—” Emily stepped back, and let him in. The pool house, already absurdly large, had been completely redesigned inside with a kitchen area tucked into the corner, and a living and dining area near the front. Beyond the kitchen, there was a hallway that probably led to bedrooms.

“They really went all out,” Jason said, a bit unsure how to start all of this. Architecture and interior design seemed like the safest start. “I guess they never want you to move out.”

“That’s what Mom said. Though when she found out Liz was going to rent a studio near the docks, she wished she’d put one in here.”

“The docks?” Jason echoed. “What part?”

“Van Ness. Yeah, I know, I made the same face, but Liz doesn’t listen to anyone.” Emily closed the door. “Um, speaking of Elizabeth—well, not it’s about her, but something she said to me. I talked to her about our fight. What I told you. So that you both knew and we were all on the same page.”

Jason grimaced, dragged a hand down his face. “Em—”

“Before you start talking about how you’re not talking about it, she told me I don’t get to be angry because you’re not acting the way I want you to. That you’re dealing with things on your schedule, not mine.” Emily tipped her head. “Even with you basically standing her up at the art show—”

“That’s not—”

“It’s not that far off, Jason, and you know it,” she said quietly, and he sighed. “She invited you to something that mattered, and you never told her you wouldn’t go. Everyone went, I told you that. Except you. Even with all of that, Elizabeth took your side in the whole thing, in case that matters to you.”

“Why does there have to be sides?” Jason muttered.

“Because you’re my brother and I love you. And I’m on the side of the living. And you’re over there, pretending you don’t exist. I get to want you on this side of the line. I get to root for you and my best friend to figure out whatever this is. Because I love you both, and I think you’d be lucky to have each other. I get to have that side, Jason. But, like I said, you don’t have to want the same things I want. I wouldn’t want you to do something just to make me happy.”

Jason sat on the arm of the sofa. “You were easier to please when we first met,” he muttered.

“I know, right? All you had to do was be nice to me and my day was made.” Emily hesitated. “You get to be sad, Jase, about how things unraveled.”

His head jerked up, his eyes wary. “What?”

“You were happy with Robin and Michael. You’d left all that…stuff behind, and you had the garage. You were happy,” Emily repeated. “And then it fell apart. I don’t know how much of that was Carly, but I’m sure she’s not blameless. She came home and decided she liked the life you were building, but wasn’t exactly wildly about Robin in it.”

“Em—”

“What Robin did, the way she left, the way she told the truth—maybe the petty part of me thinks you deserved it for the lie you asked her to live. But mostly I’m just sad that she felt like that she had to break what was left of your heart on the way out the door. And then Carly accused you of kidnapping, and then you gave up visitation rights—none of that was right or fair—”

“I made that situation what it was—” Jason said. He got to his feet. “I started it, I asked Robin to lie—and I tried to get out of the country with Michael when I knew he wasn’t my son—”

“Does any of that change how much you loved him?” Emily asked, and Jason sighed. “You get to be sad,” she repeated. “You get to take as long as you need to handle this. But I reserve the right to nudge you along and remember that there’s still people who care about you. There’s a still a life to be lived.”

“I—” His throat was tight, but he forced the words out. “I know I’ve pulled away a lot this year. Longer than that. And it’s—okay, it’s part of that,” he admitted. “But not just that—”

“No, it’s getting back into business with Sonny and you worrying about people around you again. I could kill Sonny sometimes, you know. Because he had no right coming home when you were out and asking you to go back.”

“Em—”

“You’re going to say it’s because you didn’t have enough else, and sure, that’s true. But now you feel like you never get to have anything in your life. Because now we’re going talk about why you’re avoiding Elizabeth, and I’m pretty sure you’re going to say the word dangerous, and I’m going to throttle you with my bare hands when you do.”

“It’s not just the danger,” Jason said slowly, and Emily just arched a brow. “It’s not. That—that would be a choice she needed to make. If that was on the table. It’s not.”

“Okay, so if it’s not the danger, and it’s not you just generally being anti-social, then—”

“The Jerome Galleries. I know what that is. Robin took me to an opening for one of her college friends once. She told me how important it was. You told me the same thing. This woman—she has a place in New York, too, right?”

“Yeah, but—” Emily sighed. “You’re worried about her name being linked with hers. People choosing not to pay attention. Or maybe Ava Jerome won’t want the bad press. Or maybe it’ll attract the wrong kind of attention to Elizabeth’s work.” She grimaced. “I don’t have anything for that,” she muttered. “That’s a good one.”

“Okay—so there’s that. So we’re good now—”

“I also know that’s a question for Elizabeth to answer and not me,” Emily called when he started for the door. “Just like the other thing. And you know that. People get to make their own choices. Haven’t you said that for years?”

Damn her. He looked back. “Yes.”

“So it can’t be her career. It doesn’t even exist yet, though it will. And it’s not the danger. So we’re back to you being messed up from what happened before. That’s okay. You get to have your reasons, Jase. I just want you to be honest with yourself.” She crossed to a counter, scribbled something on the corner of a paper. “So that when you go have this conversation with Elizabeth, you’re prepared.”

“I—”

“Then again, she’s nicer than I am. She might just let you off the hook.” She held out the address.  “I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

—

Elizabeth slid another empty canvas into the storage, then went to finish unpacking her oil paints. The light was exactly perfect here, she thought, taking a look at the lone window. It was a large one that pulled in all the morning light from the lake, but she’d need a few more lamps to brighten the corners of the room.

The knock at the door jarred her, and she looked over at it with some trepidation. There weren’t many people who had this address. She flipped the shade back, blinked when she saw Jason on the other side. Their eyes met, then Elizabeth let the shade fall back into place, and took a deep breath.

Did she have the energy for whatever this was? No. But he was here, and maybe it was just to clear the air. She finally flipped the locks and pulled the door open. “Um, hey. Hi.”

“Hey.” Jason slid his hands in his pockets. “Emily gave me the address—”

Behind her, the freshly hooked up phone rang, and Elizabeth held a finger up to Jason, and went to answer it. “Hello?”

“Hey, Liz. It’s me,” Emily said, a bit breathless. “I went back and forth on this, but I figured better to warn you. Jason might be coming by—”

“Yeah, he just got here—” She mouthed the word Emily to him and he grimaced, came in and closed the door. “Why is that a warning?”

“Um. We talked. A lot. I didn’t tell him anything you said, not specifically. Not about him. But he knows we’ve talked.”

“Ah. Got it. Okay. Thanks.” Elizabeth set the phone back on the receiver, then looked at Jason who still stood at the door, peering at the lock with a frown. “I know, it’s not great.”

“It’s useless,” he muttered. He flicked the shade with derision. “It’s a security disaster. The door’s a flimsy piece of crap, and the lock could be picked by a toddler.”

“Well, it’s a shame you weren’t around when I was looking for places.” Elizabeth went back to her box of paints. “If you wanted to have an opinion, then you needed to say so. But you don’t, do you?” She stacked the paints. “Did you come here just insult my door, or—”

“I came to apologize. About the show. Not about—I should have told you I wasn’t going.”

Her fingers stilled on the tube of color, ironically a cerulean blue she’d ordered because of his eyes. “Yeah, you should have. But that would have to mean talking to me, and you don’t really want to do that, either, do you?”

She refused to look at him, didn’t want to feel bad for being short or irritated.

“I know how important that night was to you, and I’m—I hate the idea that something I did made you unhappy for any part of it. You deserved better.”

Elizabeth squeezed her eyes closed, fighting back the tears stinging her eyes. With a careful, low breath, she turned around to look at him. He hadn’t budged from the door, his hands back in his pockets. “I wish I could tell you I didn’t even notice you weren’t there, but we both know that’s not true because Emily is annoying.” Her voice wobbled slightly on her next words, and she hated herself for it. “Why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t want to go?”

“Because it’s not true,” Jason said, and he took just a half step towards her, seemed to rock back on his heels before staying where he’d started. He swallowed hard. “I wanted to go. To be there for you.”

“But you didn’t. So it doesn’t really matter what what you wanted to do, does it?” Elizabeth folded her arms, not feeling at all victorious when he just tipped his head in quiet acceptance. “I don’t understand any of this, Jason. I don’t know what I did. It—it’s like we were friendly enough before the island, but then when we were there—” Her hands fell to her side, and she waited for him to look at her. “I felt like we…we understood each other.  But then we came back, and it all went away. You never came to Kelly’s anymore. And when I went to see you, it was like none of that happened.”

“I know,” Jason said, his voice low, a bit pained. “I’m sorry—”

“And Carly—” She forced the words out. “You let her talk to me, about me like I was nothing.” The first tear slid down her cheek and she didn’t stop it, didn’t bother to swipe at it.

His eyes changed and his expression softened, even as she could his mouth pinched. He stepped towards her, just a few steps though it still felt like the Grand Canyon had opened up between them. “I didn’t mean to do that,” he said. “I didn’t want to show her any—I knew if I said anything, it would make it worse—”

“Make what worse?” Elizabeth demanded, her voice climbing. “Why would it have been so awful to tell Carly to shut up? To tell her that my show mattered? That I mattered?”

His hands finally came out of his pockets, dragged through his hair, disheveling it. “That’s not how it works with Carly, okay? You can’t show her any weakness or she’ll make you pay for it—”

“That’s just a copout,” she bit out. “Just admit it. Admit it. You didn’t want her to know because you don’t want it to be true. That’s why you said nothing. And why you didn’t show up—because you know what’s here and you don’t want it. You don’t want me.” She strode forward, heading for the door. “Well, that’s fine. I’m not going to beg you to stay where you don’t want to be—”

He snagged her hand as she passed him, the way he had that night on the terrace—his hand just shooting out almost as if he hadn’t planned it, catching her forearm, then sliding down until his fingers laced with hers. Elizabeth looked at him, startled to see the longing in his expression.

“Every word you said is true,” he managed, “except — I do want it. I do—” He swallowed hard, and her heart started to pound. “I do want you. I just—I can’t have any of it. I can’t have you.”

Her lips parted in surprise and she looked down at their hands, at his larger one wrapped around hers, then she looked at the other hand, looked back at him. Trembling, she laid it against his heart, and felt it pounding beneath her fingers.

She lifted her gaze to his, absorbing that every word he’d just spoken to her was the absolute truth. That Jason Morgan wanted her. He wanted her. He wanted her. That night on the terrace, it had been real. And on the beach. And on the sofa. And right now. Right now—

She raised herself on her toes, and kissed him.

+47

Written in 59 minutes.

May 2000

“Before you go roaring off into the night—” Sonny laid a hand over the ignition, stopping Jason from twisting the key. “Maybe I need an update as to why you’re still throwing punches over this girl.”

“I didn’t punch him,” Jason said, then grimaced when he heard the sullen note in his tone. He dragged a hand down his face. “I wanted to. But I didn’t.”

“And I’m sure Luke’s grateful not to have the dental bill. So, Elizabeth—that’s the one you like as person and Emily’s friend.” When Jason just glared at him, Sonny lifted his brows. “That was the company line back in February the first time we had this conversation. Then you wanted me to fire Marco down on the island because he wasn’t nice to her—”

“That’s not what he did—”

“You shoved him against a wall, and I think Manuel mentioned you’d put Armando’s kid against a wall, too.”

“And you would have done the same if you—” Jason stopped, took a deep breath. “Do you have a point?”

“It’s not like I’m a gossip columnist, Jason. You’re the one that pointed out that Lucky talking crap about you and this girl could get into the ears of the wrong people. Which we definitely don’t want if Moreno’s starting to get antsy. That scene you just caused? People are gonna wonder why you’re putting your hands on Luke’s kid. And they’re going to remember the rumors from a few months ago. You keep this up, you’re just making sure everyone knows this girl matters—”

“Elizabeth.”

“What?”

“Her name is Elizabeth. Not ‘this girl’.” Irritated with himself, Jason scowled. “Never mind. Can I go?”

“No. Because you’re still not answering the question. You don’t want anyone to know about her, you’ve got a funny way of showing it—”

“There’s nothing to know, Sonny.”

“Would you like there to be something to know?” When Jason didn’t answer, his friend just sighed. “Fine. There’s nothing to know. Then act like it. Stop shoving people around when they disrespect her. People who don’t matter don’t require a response.”

“I never said she didn’t—” Jason closed his mouth, hating that Sonny had trapped him. “I never said she didn’t matter,” he said.

“Then step up and do something about it, and we’ll handle it. You can have a life, Jase. No one ever said you couldn’t.”

“I can’t do that, so just drop it—”

“Why can’t you do it? She matters enough to punch people but not enough to be with her? I’m sure she loves that—”

“Why go through it all again when it’ll just end like everything else?” Jason cut in.

“You can’t know that—”

“Yeah. Yeah, I can. Because I’ve watched it happen over and over. You’d do it all again?” he demanded of Sonny. “You’d go through it again? Lily, Brenda, Hannah?”

“Hannah was a fed, so that one—” Sonny scratched his chin. “Look, I’m not the example you want, Jase. Look at your grandmother. She loves that dumbass she married. Go be someone’s dumbass. Maybe this girl—sorry, Elizabeth,” he said, when Jason just shot him another look. “Maybe Elizabeth has a thing for idiots who can’t get out of their own way.”

“Sometimes it lasts, sure. But not in this world, Sonny. You know that. And not for me. She’s—” He hesitated, looked straight head, past the parking lot, to the lights of the waterfront. “She’s an artist. Her work is going to be on the walls of galleries in New York. I’m not doing anything that messes that up for her. Or messes her up. So just drop it.”

“Fine. But this halfway shit, where you’re a ticking time bomb if someone so much as says a word against her, that can’t keep happening. You know that. If she’s better off without you, then make that choice. And stick with it. ”

—

Elizabeth wrinkled her nose, held up a pair of shorts. “Did I really wear these in public?”

“You absolutely did, and I hated you for having the guts and the legs to pull it off.”

She glanced over, grinned at Emily standing in the doorway. “Hey. What’s up? Did I know you were coming over?” She looked over at the clock on her night stand. “It’s almost nine.”

“Yeah, sorry. I knew you were going to be up packing for the move, and I just—I got a call from a friend, and I knew I had to tell you about it. I can’t keep putting off this conversation.”

“Uh oh,” Elizabeth tossed aside the tiny shorts, sat on the edge of her bed. “What’s wrong?”

“I wanted to talk to you weeks ago, but there was never a right moment, and you didn’t bring it up either, so I figured maybe I should just stay out of it. But then I got in a fight with Jason this week and the call I got? Logan Duncan was at Luke’s tonight, and Jason practically threw Lucky into the wall. And people are remembering that Lucky was saying you’d—”

“That I’d cheated on him with Jason. Yeah, I remember.” Elizabeth bit her lip. “I’m sure Lucky said something awful. I don’t need to know what—”

“Logan didn’t hear that part. He just thought I should know. That you should know. That all died down really fast last winter, but it could get stirred up again. But I knew I was out of time to tell you about the fight I had with Jason when I picked up my car the other day.”

“Em, maybe we don’t—”

“I saw you. That night. On the island,” Emily said. She pulled out the desk chair, sat down. “When I flipped on the light, and you guys were on the terrace. You had your hand on his chest—”

“Oh my god—” Elizabeth pressed her hands to her face, feeling the heat rising in her cheeks. “Em—”

“And Jason’s hand was on yours and he was going to kiss you—”

“He was not, okay—”

“Elizabeth. I know what it looks like when a guy’s leaning in. But it was too late. I no sooner took in the whole thing and you were springing apart like you’d been slapped. I kept thinking you’d say thing, but you didn’t. So I didn’t bring it up. But then I yelled at him today, and I sort of told him I saw it.”

“Oh, I think I want to die.” Elizabeth leaned over, burying her face in her hands. “I might actually expire right here in this spot.”

“I was just so mad at him, but I was trying not to be. I thought, well, he’s going to explain things to me if I set it up. I started dropping hints that you were upset about the whole art show thing—”

“You did not—” Elizabeth jerked back up, horrified. “Emily!”

“I was like, no, we didn’t ask you to help us move because Liz thought you were bothering us, and he was not happy about you thinking that—”

“No, this is the part where I die because if I don’t, I’m going to murder you—”

“But he just refused to bite, and I kept like pushing at him, until I lost my patience because he’s just wrapped himself up tight in that stupid garage like he’s buried alive, and I can’t stand, Liz. I just can’t. He didn’t come to your art show, and that’s like, not Jason. Not just because I think he wants to jump your bones—”

“Could you not—”

“But Jason—he shows up when people matter. And do not tell me you don’t matter. Because you do. He shows up. He went all the way to the dorm to talk to you about Lucky, didn’t he? And you said he was amazing about that. He could have done the bare minimum. But he took the time to make sure you were okay.”

“Yeah, I know—”

“And the island, okay, I know you guys spent time together that I don’t know about—”

“Nothing happened—”

“Liz. I watched you watch the door all night, and how hurt you were when he didn’t show up. So I got mad, and then I got worried. I’m telling you that Jason not coming that night, that sent off alarm bells. And I started to think about how he never goes anywhere anymore. He barely comes to Kelly’s—”

“Especially not since we got home,” Elizabeth murmured. She looked at Emily. “I thought maybe I was just missing him because I was working on the show, but you’re always there, too. And he hasn’t come in since I picked up more hours.”

“He’s avoiding you. But he’s avoiding me unless I specifically go to him for help. And I bet if I asked Luke or Sonny, they barely see him either. Don’t you think it’s weird that every time you went to the garage, he was there? It’s like he’s sealed himself up like a mummy.”

“Em, I think you’re reading too much into this. He didn’t come to my art show and he’s avoiding me. I’m the common denominator. Whatever you think you saw, it’s not real. It’s not—”

“No, it was. Losing Robin the way he did, and then Michael—back to back—it’s like it messed with him. And Carly—that shrew is always around reminding him why he has no one else in his life.”

Elizabeth sighed. “She was there that day. When I invited him. She saw the ticket, and she—” Her mouth tightened, and she looked down at her hands, picked at the chipped nail polish. “She laughed. She saw right through me, which I hate. She called me a child, accused me of flirting with him. And he didn’t even say anything, so maybe that’s all he sees—”

“Oh, he’s such an asshole,” Emily muttered. “Look, you don’t know the dynamic between Jason and Carly, and man, I wish I didn’t. But he’s never going to cut her off because of Michael. The thing is—”

“The thing is that it doesn’t matter, Em. It doesn’t.”

“If Jason had stuck up for you, if he’d given Carly the slightest hint that you were anything but my friend, she’d have gone for blood. She’s like a dog with a bone.”

“What exactly do you want me to do with this, Em? Do you want me to admit that I have feelings for your brother? Sure. Why pretend I don’t? But even if he did have feelings for me, which I’m not convinced—he’s clearly decided how he wants to handle them. And that means avoiding me. I’m not chasing him.”

“No, I didn’t think that you should. I guess—” Emily hesitated. “We’re coming at this from different places, different goals—I love my brother. We worked really hard to get to this point where we’re family. It was hard for him after the accident. He was nothing but impulse and feeling, and he had to relearn how to control his temper. To control himself. And sometimes I think he learned too well. He shuts down now when things are too much, and he’s doing that now, and I can see him doing it, and I hate it because he’s so amazing and he deserves the world, and that bitch broke him—” She faltered, plucked out the tissues when Elizabeth handed her the box.

“I could see him doing it almost as soon as he let Michael go, so I tried to stop it. You know, I asked him to help us move in to the dorms, and then he helped us with Juan that day, and I was really happy when I saw him reaching out to you, because it was something, you know? And then we were on the island, and the night we went to dinner, and you guys were talking and laughing, and I just—I got a little invested because who better to bring out the amazing sweet and funny guy Jason really is than my amazing funny and sweet best friend—”

“Em—”

“And that’s not fair to you, I know that. You’re right. You’re so right. You shouldn’t have to wait around while Jason gets his head together. I just—I think he’s going to regret to not taking this chance, and I hate that. And I’m sorry, I never should have brought you into that fight with him. I just couldn’t stand it anymore.”

“It’s okay. It is.” Elizabeth hesitated. “I’m not going to tell you what he’s said specifically, but I know that what happened with Michael weighs on him.” She thought about that night on the beach, the sadness wrapped in his words about loving someone to point of losing yourself. Loving someone without boundaries. “But if you love him, you’ll give him the space to handle this in his own way. Maybe he is isolating himself so that nothing else can hurt him that way. I know what that’s like. Getting angry at him because he can’t heal on your schedule isn’t really fair, either.”

Emily crumpled up the tissue, tossed it in the trash. “I know. And I’ll apologize to him. You’re right. Which is another reason I’m rooting for you guys. Because that’s exactly the kind of advice Jason gives.”

“Em—”

“What if I do it quietly and promise not to meddle?” Emily asked hopefully. “You know, just cheer you on from the sidelines?”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “Whatever you want, Em—now, are you going to help me finish cleaning out this closet or not?”

——

Jason should have just gone straight home after leaving Sonny in the parking lot at Luke’s, but he’d taken a ride out on the cliff road which didn’t really clear his mind since he just remembered taking Elizabeth up there.

And he hadn’t wanted to head back to the penthouse, with the empty rooms and the sound echoing off the walls because he’d barely furnished it. So he went to the garage because there was always something to do there.

He switched off the light in the office, thinking maybe he should go through paperwork and invoices and run the numbers. That kind of thing usually distracted him.

But of course, the first pile of papers he moved were the ones sitting on top of the ticket he’d shoved out of sight weeks ago. Port Charles University Annual Art Exhibition. Admit One.

He’d stayed away, telling himself that he needed to put distance between himself and Elizabeth, which was true. Like Sonny said, he had to make a choice and stick with it. Going wouldn’t have helped that cause.

But Emily wasn’t wrong either. This had been important to Elizabeth. He could still remember the way she’d smiled that day in Kelly’s, practically shoving the assignment feedback from her professor in Jason’s face, her eyes sparkling with happiness because she’d finally unlocked whatever that professor had wanted. He’d hated the way that light had gone out when Lucky had arrived, had wanted to shove the little bastard through a window for making her sad.

So what was Jason going to do to himself knowing he’d done the same? He turned the little strip of blue paper in his hands, flipped it back to look at the text again. He should have gone. Distance could have waited until afterward. And she hadn’t done a damned thing to earn the disappearing act. He owed her, at the very least, an explanation.

He was just afraid if he saw her again, if he tried to explain it the way he had to Sonny, he wouldn’t find the words. He’d do something stupid like touch her mouth or her hand, and he’d be right back where he started.

Jason slid the ticket in the drawer and went back to the invoices because at least two plus two always equaled four, a certainty the rest of his life  seemed to lack these days.

+39

Written in 59 minutes.

May 2000

Jason dropped Emily’s keys in her hand. “You know, one day, you’re going to remember to get the oil changed without me reminding you.”

Emily rolled her eyes, tossed her purse through the open window of the car her brother had finished. “Please. You love nagging me to be responsible. If you didn’t worry about me, who would you even talk to?”

Jason rolled his eyes, headed for the sink to wash up.

“That’s a serious question, by the way. I gave you a year to get over Robin, but now we’re six months past that—” She leaned against the counter. “We need to get you back into the dating world.”

“No, we do not,” Jason said. He switched off the water, reached for the towel. “When are you moving out of the dorm? I’ll make sure I’m available.”

“Jase, it’s May 25. I moved out of the dorm two weeks ago. Don’t worry, you don’t have to move us back in, either because Mom and Dad are finishing up the pool house this month, and Liz and I will be studying in luxury next year.”

“You—you moved out already?” Jason looked over at the calendar hanging on the wall, winced when he realized it was still April. The days had started to run together. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Well, Liz thought we’d been bothering you a lot this year, and I thought maybe she had a small point after you bailed us out of jail over break and ruined your business trip.” Emily shrugged. “We asked Nikolas and Juan, and got it all handled. See? Sometimes I can take care of myself without you,” she teased.

“She—she said you were bothering me too much?” Jason asked, laying the towel back along the counter, thinking of the ticket that was still sitting beneath a pile of papers he never moved. Had she been hurt he hadn’t shown up? Was that why she hadn’t asked him to help them move out? He exhaled slowly. “You—you’re never bothering me, Em, you know that.”

“I know, but I also know you’ve got a life of your own, and you can’t be running to my rescue or taking care of me forever.”

“I like taking care of you,” Jason muttered, heading for his office, still unsettled by Elizabeth thinking she’d been bothering him. “You’re my sister.” The only person left in Port Charles he even gave a damn about other than Sonny, though that was a stark realization he didn’t particularly like much. It was no one’s fault but his own. One by one, the small group of friends Jason had built up had gone away. Lily had died, Robin was gone. He barely ever spoke to Luke or Mike these days. He’d made sure to push Carly away. The only person who’d come into his life since he’d lost Michael had been Elizabeth.

And she was gone now, too. Which was what he wanted, wasn’t it? No one in his life the world could hurt. Only Emily, whose last name kept her protected.

“I wish you’d let me take care of you sometimes, not that I really know how to. You won’t even come out when I invite you anymore. The last time I got you to go anywhere was dinner on the island.” Emily folded her arms. “I just—I worry about you. You think I don’t know how hard things have been since you gave up visitation rights?”

“I don’t want you to worry about that—”

Emily threw up her hands. “Oh my God, you’re so frustrating sometimes! Elizabeth was right — you love running to other people’s rescue, but God forbid you let them do the same.”

“Wait, what are you talking about? What did Elizabeth say?” Jason demanded. Emily stopped at her car, squinting at him. “I don’t need to be rescued—”

“You think because the house isn’t burning down or someone isn’t firing a gun around you, you don’t need help? You’ve closed yourself up like a clam this last year, Jase. You don’t go out, you don’t go to Luke’s, you don’t even go talk to Sonny unless you have to. You sit in this garage and the only time you step out of it is when I ask you for something.” She pressed her lips together. “Why weren’t you at Elizabeth’s show?”

“What?” Jason blinked, confused by the change in topic. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t do that. Don’t pretend she didn’t invite you. I know she had four free tickets. And she didn’t give one to Juan or Bobbie. She gave the last one to you, didn’t she?”

“Em—”

“It was amazing, by the way. She was mobbed by people all night, and the owner of the best gallery in town and one of the best in New York wants to show her pieces this summer. You used to show up for people who mattered, Jason. You went to the Nurse’s Ball for Robin even though you’d rather gnawed your foot off. You went to parties when Sonny and Brenda asked you, too. You used to show up, and now the only way I can get you out of this place is to ask for your help.”

She opened her car door, gripped the top of it. “You think I’m stupid or blind, don’t you? I’m just the stupid little idiot who got addicted to drugs and tried to fly off a roof.”

“No—” Startled, Jason came forward, not entirely sure how this conversation had twisted into an argument or why his sister had tears in her eyes. “No, Em—”

“She’d kill me for saying this, but she watched for you all night. And I saw the way you looked at her on the island. I switched on the light, Jason. Do you think I didn’t see how close the two of you were standing?” Emily demanded. “I pretended not to because it was too late to go back inside. But I’m not an idiot.”

Jason just stared at her, took a deep breath. “Em—”

“But maybe it scared you. Maybe you can’t let anyone in after what happened with Robin and Michael. But one day, you’re going to wake up, and you’re really going to be alone, and it’ll be your fault.”

—

“You’ll be glad to get your sewing room back,” Elizabeth told her grandmother, unpinning the last of the posters from the wall, rolling it up.

“I admit, I was looking forward to having you home this summer.” Audrey came forward, slid an arm around Elizabeth’s shoulder. “But I also can’t blame you girls for taking Alan and Monica up on their offer.”

“I thought about refusing it,” Elizabeth admitted, sitting on the edge of the bed. “You know, it was one thing to look the other way when Mr. Quartermaine got me into Emily’s dorm because she’d already paid for her housing, but—”

“They were going to do this for Emily anyway. And now you won’t have the extra burden of moving in and out of that dorm every year.” Audrey sat next to her. “I have to admit, darling, now that your first year is behind you, with all that’s happened — I’m a little grateful you didn’t go to New York. I know you had your heart set on it.”

“I did. And it felt like the end of the world. God, I cried for days, you know?” She went to her closet, removed the old poster she’d designed last year — The Lucky and Elizabeth Life Plan.   She ran her fingers down the red-heart, some of the glitter coming loose. “Now, I think — thank God. Because I’d probably still be dating Lucky. I know that’s not what you mean—”

“It’s precisely what I meant. Going off and making all your dreams tied to him — well, I couldn’t say it then, Elizabeth, but I worried that you were settling for him because he was the first boy you’d ever loved. And that you didn’t trust yourself to explore and find out if there could be anything else. I wanted you to have a little life experience. I think of the traveling I did as a stewardess, and of course, in Vietnam as a nurse—I would have supported you, darling. But I’m glad you came to this realization on your own.”

“I didn’t even realize it was settling, you know? I didn’t—I didn’t realize that you could be with someone so much, love them as much as I loved Lucky, and that you could still not know them. Or—” Elizabeth set the poster down. “I look at that now, and I think how close I came to accepting what Lucky called love. But he didn’t love me, not all the way. Not all the pieces of me. He didn’t even like me very much before the rape.”

“Oh, honey.”

“No, it’s…it’s time to really face that. He liked feeling important. He liked that I depended on him. That I couldn’t sleep without him. That I needed him to feel safe. And I thought hat meant he loved me. But he liked being a hero.” Elizabeth looked away, towards the window, in the direction of the waterfront and the garage. She certainly had a type, she thought. “And he didn’t like me very much once I didn’t need him anymore.”

“I know it hurt very much to lose him, my darling—” Audrey took Elizabeth’s hand. “But you stood up and demanded respect. I’m sorry he hurt you, but I’m proud of how you handled it. You’re so strong. I wish you hadn’t needed to be, but—that’s life.”

“I really felt like it was the end of the world, but you know, after a few weeks, I realized how much lighter I felt. I didn’t feel guilty about not calling him, not checking in, not making time for him. Because every time I did, it was just so he could explain how I was doing something wrong. I was helping Emily too much, I was spending too much time at work. I was smiling at Jason the wrong way. “But sometimes, sometimes, Gram, I miss being in love. Just a little bit. Not the way it was at the end, but at the beginning. When I really felt happy. When I believed he loved me. Sometimes I think—” Her eyes stung and she stared down at her hands. “Sometimes I still think no one ever really will. Not that way. No one will want to stay.”

“Love will find you, my darling, as long as you keep being brave and putting yourself into the world to receive it. It’s hard to do that, to be open to it. Sometimes, I think your grandfather had to pry the door open after I’d been hurt so badly.” Audrey smiled at her. “But don’t give up. You’ll have your heart broken and mended many times over before it’s said and done.”

“Many times, Gram?” Elizabeth joked, swiping at her tears, trying to smile. “How many boyfriends do you think I’m gonna have?”

“Your grandfather and I broke each other’s hearts many times before we were finally able to to stick the landing. That’ll happen, too. The very person who shatters you might have the glue you need to piece it back together, given a little time and understanding.” Audrey paused. “But if you love me, dear, please don’t let Lucky Spencer anywhere near the crafts table.”

Elizabeth laughed, then leaned her head against her grandmother’s shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

—

The argument with his sister still lingered with Jason days later and he didn’t like the way they’d left it. He didn’t like the way she’d talked about his life, like it was empty and devoid of meaning just because he kept to himself. And she was wrong — he still went places. He still showed up.

And determined to prove that to her—and himself—the next time Sonny suggested Jason come with him to meet with Luke about Moreno, Jason surprised them both by agreeing even though it was at the bar after the dinner rush.

Jason slid on the stool, ordered a beer and settled in to wait for Sonny and Luke. It was quiet — the middle of the week without a musical act meant it was just for the regulars. This wasn’t so bad, he thought. He’d spent a lot time here over the years, hadn’t he? His first job parking cars, and then doing errands when Sonny did most of work out of this place.

That was less true these days, he admitted, taking a long pull from the bottle. But maybe he should go out more. A beer at Luke’s. A game of pool at Jake’s. No harm in any of that—

“I thought they picked up the trash this morning.”

Jason’s shoulders tensed and he twisted to see Lucky behind him, smirking. He’d been able to avoid the little bastard since that day at Kelly’s when he’d wanted to shove him in the lake, and had hoped to keep that streak going. Behind him, Sonny and Luke had come in and were shedding their coats at the entrance.

“Well, look at what the cat dragged in,” Luke said, with a warmer smile than his son’s. He sent the son in question a quick look. “When Sonny said you were joining us tonight, I thought about breaking out the good crystal. To what do we owe the pleasure?”

Jason almost hunched his shoulders. Okay, maybe he had stayed in a little too much the last year. “Sonny said you needed to talk. I’m here.”

Lucky sauntered around the bar, poured himself a glass of water, then smirked. “No date? That’s right. PCU is out for the semester. You’ll have to go pick up the next one at Jake’s. Though, you know, I bet Lizzie has an ID if you’re not already too tired of her bullshit—”

Jason’s beer went rolling when he reached across the bar, grabbed Lucky by the shirt, dragged him up so that their faces were close. Lucky’s blue eyes were wide open, and his breathing started in little pants. Good. He was scared. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sonny just sigh and Luke wince. The noise in the rest of the bar went low, almost quiet.

“Say it again,” Jason said, in a low tone he only reserved for men whose faces he was about to rearrange. “Go ahead.”

“She likes it when you come to her rescue,” Lucky managed. “But the second she doesn’t need you, you’re trash. If you don’t already know that, you will. You’ll be her roadkill, just like me.”

Jason’s fist tightened in Lucky’s shirt, and his other curled at his side. It took everything he had not to let it fly. He shoved Lucky back, releasing him at the last second so that the younger man went flying into the back of the bar.

“The only reason you’re not unconscious is because I respect your father too much to leave blood on the floor. You talk to me again like that, you talk about Elizabeth that way to anyone and I find out, they’ll be the last words you say.”

Jason stalked out of the bar, not sparing Luke or Sonny another glance.

“Well—” Luke scratched his temple. “Can’t say I didn’t see that coming—”

“Shut up—” Shaken, Lucky climbed to his feet. “He’s just pissed because he knows I’m right—”

“You got a death wish or something?” Sonny wanted to know. “You’re still running your mouth? Luke. Man. You gotta talk to him.”

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll reschedule this. It can hold. Sorry.” When Sonny headed for the door, Luke turned back to his son. “I don’t get this. I really don’t. This is Elizabeth we’re talking about. Elizabeth. Everything you’ve been through. She adored you. You worshiped her. I don’t get how you go from that—”

“Everything I thought she was just a lie,” Lucky bit out. “She used me to make herself feel better, and now she’s back to her old self. And if Jason knows what’s good for him, he’ll run as fast as he can in the other direction.”

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