Santa, can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is near
He’s all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
I’ll be waiting here
Santa, that’s my only wish this year
– My Only Wish (This Year), Britney Spears

---

Friday, December 22, 2006

The Cellar: Office

Carly smiled and rose from her desk at the sight of Jason at her office door. “Hey, you. I wasn’t expecting to see you today.” She came around the desk as Jason closed the door. “What brings you by?”

“I, uh, had a question for you.” Jason scratched the edge of his brow. “You talked to Elizabeth yesterday. About Sonny.”

Carly hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah. I did. And I was right to. I had a feeling you didn’t tell her about the message we got from the prison the other day.” She folded her arms. “And let me guess, you’re not thrilled that I did.”

Jason glanced at the ceiling, muttered something under his breath. “No. But I can’t be annoyed at you because you don’t know what’s going on.”

She bristled. “I think I know you pretty well—”

“We weren’t telling anyone until Sunday,” Jason cut in, and Carly closed her mouth, perplexed. “But those tests results I missed—”

Carly jolted, her eyes widening. “Oh, I didn’t even think—oh, God, they came back bad, didn’t they—”

“It’s not CTEPH,” Jason said, once again cutting her off. “But we were waiting until Christmas Eve to tell everyone she was pregnant. Then Monica found a clot the other day. A small one in her lungs.” He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “She’s checking in the day after Christmas to have a procedure. We don’t think it’s serious, but I just—” He broke off, looked away.

“I’m not exactly sure where to start with that,” Carly said. She rubbed the back of her neck. “Um, congratulations and I’m sorry? Does that cover it?”

“Basically,” Jason muttered. Restless, he paced the length of the room. “I just don’t see the point in dragging all of this out. Sonny doesn’t want to see us. Fine.”

“Jason, the only reason they called me is they thought I requested another visit. Which I didn’t. You did. You were planning to go up there after New Year’s. Which prompted Sonny to remove us both from the list.” Carly tipped her head. “So yeah, I talked to Elizabeth. She didn’t know any of this. And don’t think you’re going to distract me with news about her health. Three years ago, that wouldn’t have stopped you from being honest with her. You just didn’t want to tell her about any of this.”

“Because—”

“It doesn’t matter,” she finished, and he scowled at her. “What, you don’t think I can finish your sentences after all these years? Jason, if it didn’t matter, then why didn’t you just tell her?”

“That doesn’t make any sense. All I came to do was tell you what’s happening so you know to leave Elizabeth out of it—”

“It wasn’t so long ago that I’d have been happy leaving Elizabeth out of everything,” Carly said. She sat back at her desk, leaned back to consider Jason. “There was a time when I resented her for her relationship with you. Because you and I had to work at being friends. And sometimes, you still don’t really see me that way—”

“Carly—”

“Our past always hung between us, especially after what I did to you with Michael,” she said softly, and he sighed, but he didn’t deny it. “Then what happened with Sonny. When I think back, Jason, I was always the one talking, and you were always listening. And that’s still true. But that’s not the dynamic you and Elizabeth have. You talk to her.” She tipped her head. “Am I wrong?”

Jason was quiet for a long moment, didn’t meet her eyes. “No.”

“I could sense it all the way back then, Jason. And it’s why I hated her for so long. And it’s why she and I will never be close,” Carly continued. “We respect each other. We even like each other now, I think. And she’s part of my family. But I still resent her for being the friend to you I couldn’t be.”

Jason reached for the chair by the desk, sat down. “Carly—” Then he fell silent, unsure what to say next.

“You don’t tell me things because it’s your nature to hold things close. But when you don’t tell Elizabeth? It’s because you don’t want to think about it. You don’t want to acknowledge it. So, I took a wild guess yesterday, and I called her. And you’re pissed at me because now you can’t keep ignoring it.” She lifted her brows. “And I’m not sorry I did it. I’d do it again, too, and if Elizabeth knew you were in here, using her health as an excuse to keep her in the dark? She’d kick your ass. And I’d help her do it.”

Jason dragged his hands down his face, took a deep breath. “When I got the message that we couldn’t go back, that Sonny was blocking us from visiting at all, I was…” He trailed off, stared at his hands.

“Relieved,” she said softly.

“Yeah.”

“Me, too. After I was done with the panic attack,” Carly added with a wrinkle of her nose. “They told me I couldn’t see him, and there was a wave of relief that washed over me—and I immediately started to lose it. Because what kind of person does that make me? I’m terrible. I took vows to love him, Jason. To honor him. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. And I broke them.”

“Carly, hey—”

“I know he broke them, too, okay? I know it.” Carly brushed away a tear, her voice breaking. “But I know if we’d been more open when he came home from Ferncliffe, if maybe I hadn’t pushed him with divorce and rescinding the adoption, and if you’d given him something in the business, he wouldn’t have felt so damn alone. He wouldn’t have gone to the PCPD without a lawyer. He wouldn’t have confessed.”

Jason didn’t say anything, just kept staring at his hands. Carly continued, “Sonny was my husband, and I loved him. And now, I’m relieved that I don’t have to see him again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to accept that it’s not my fault where he ended up. He was keeping it together until that night in December. If I had stayed—”

“I never would have let you stay after what he did,” Jason broke in roughly, jerking his head up. “It was the breaking point, but I didn’t know it. I couldn’t see it. Everyone wanted me to do something, and I didn’t. I couldn’t. I kept pushing it away, thinking he’d snap out of it. He always snapped out of it.”

“I know.” Carly smiled through her tears. “I know it. But Jason, he did snap out of it. He woke up the next morning, and he was lucid. And what he’d done? It didn’t horrify him. He was lucid when he demanded you apologize for choking him. Do you remember that? He expected you to beg forgiveness for doing that to him because we didn’t know he was sick. And how furious he was when you refused. Do you regret that now?”

“No. No, I don’t.” Jason exhaled slowly. “After that day, I did what was right. That’s what makes it so hard to go see him. But why I do it. I could have stopped it earlier.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll never know for sure. But what I do know is that we have to forgive ourselves. You know? We have to.”

“I don’t know if I can,” he said. He met her eyes. “Can you?”

“I’m working on it.”

Brooklyn, New York: Bensonhurst

“Isn’t strange how a place can change so much when you’re gone for a few years?” Olivia murmured as Dante eased the car to a stop at a traffic light on 18th Avenue and Bay Ridge Parkway. “There are more Chinese restaurants than I remember.”

“Last time I talked to Nunzio Abatangelo,” Dante said, “he said the same thing.”

“Probably with more profanity,” Olivia said, almost absently. “He never did like anyone who wasn’t Sicilian. You know, I thought I’d miss the old neighborhood more, but I really don’t.” She glanced over at him. “What about you?”

“I always thought I’d end up back here. I only went upstate to make detective faster.” Dante tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “I figured I’d get the years, take the exam, then come home. Marry a nice girl. Grandma was always picking them out for me. Have a lot of kids. Grow old on the street where I grew up.” He exhaled slowly. “Then Vinnie happened. And I couldn’t think of home without thinking of him.”

“It’s easier in Port Charles to move on from it. I don’t know if I could if Frankie or Frannie were always in my face.” Olivia smiled faintly. “Promise me you won’t name your kids Francis and Francesca.”

“If I have them.” The light turned green, and Dante continued heading south. He could feel his mother’s eyes on him. “It’s…Lu doesn’t want kids. At least she doesn’t think so.”

“Is that why you broke up?”

“We’re…we didn’t. All the way yet. We’re just taking a break. And yeah, because I wanted to move in together, and she thought maybe I was thinking about buying her a ring. I was,” Dante admitted. “Three years, Ma. It should be enough time, you know?”

“More than enough, if you ask me, but what do I know? I got knocked up at fifteen.” Olivia exhaled slowly. “You changing your mind? So you can make things work?”

“Just…tossing the idea around in my head.” He turned on 21st Avenue. “Thinking maybe I don’t need to have it all. I could be an uncle. Or maybe I could do that Big Brother thing—”

“Dante.”

“I know. I know. It’s not going to work. Just saying it out loud feels stupid,” he admitted. He pulled the car to a stop outside the Falconieri house. “It’s just…when all this went down with Grandma. With Vinnie, and then the papers finding out about Sonny—Lu was the one who got me through it.”

“I know she was, honey.”

“She was the only good thing in my life for months. I don’t get how two people can love each other the way we do and not want the same things.” Dante grimaced. “But you know, I’m twenty-five. Maybe that feels young to some people, but I don’t wanna wait ten more years to have a family. I wanna do it when I’m young.”

“Well, you know, I’m not in any hurry to be a grandmother—” Olivia smiled when he just looked at her. “That’s a lie. I’d love it, I would. It’s hard, honey, and I’m sorry. Maybe Lu will want kids in ten years. Five years. But you don’t gotta wait around to find out, you know? There’s someone out there who wants to have a family sooner. And Lu’s not wrong. Maybe she won’t ever want kids. Do you wanna be forty finding out that? Or worse, maybe she has a kid to make you happy. And hates the hell out of it.”

“I’d hate that.” Dante sighed. “Yeah, I know, Ma. I just…I gotta tell her it’s over. I figure she already knows it. We both do. But we gotta say it.”

She squeezed his arm. “But not today. Let’s go inside. Get this over with.”

Kelly’s: Dining Room

Bobbie beamed as she took Cameron from Elizabeth’s arms, hugged him tight, then set him into his booster seat. “There’s my baby.”

“Mommy say I big boy.” Cameron smiled sweetly at Bobbie, his honorary grandmother. “Gammy hi.”

“You’ll always be my baby, but yes, you’re growing up.” Bobbie turned to Elizabeth who had settled into her own seat. “And I love having both my favorite Morgans treating me to lunch. What’s the occasion?”

“Can’t I want lunch with my favorite Spencer?” Elizabeth asked, plucking a sippy cup from the tote bag she carried for Cameron, along with a coloring book and a small container of crayons.

“You can, of course. You know that.” Bobbie squeezed her hand. “But I recognized the tone of your voice on the phone.”

Elizabeth wrinkled her nose, picked up a straw and played with the end of the wrapper. “You know me too well. I don’t know if Jason’s telling Carly ahead of Sunday, when we tell everyone, but Monica knows—”

“You’re pregnant,” Bobbie guessed, and Elizabeth broke off, surprised. “I thought you had that look. That’s wonderful! How far along?”

“Um, sixteen weeks. I waited through the first trimester to be sure. I knew everyone would have a lot of questions, and they’d ask about my health, and I just…” Elizabeth sighed. “I just didn’t want it. Monica knew because she’s my doctor, but—”

“No, I understand completely, honey. And of course, I do have a thousand questions, but I won’t ask a single one—” Bobbie held up her hands. “Scout’s Honor. I’m sorry I guessed it before you could tell me—”

“Oh, oh, well, that’s fine. It’s awkward saying it out loud, which is weird, I guess. It shouldn’t be. I think because I never really got to do it the first time.” Elizabeth looked at her son, carefully using his blue crayon. He was good at staying in the lines — one of the few ways he was outpacing other kids his age. “But we planned it this time. Well, I did,” she said with a wrinkle of her nose. “It was my idea. And Jason never said no.”

“Does he ever?” Bobbie asked dryly, and Elizabeth smiled faintly. “Well, that means you were hoping for a positive test. So, I’m glad it was a happy moment.”

“It was. And it is. It is,” Elizabeth repeated. “Everything has been great. I feel great, you know. A little tired, but nothing like before. It’s just, um, there’s this one thing. Monica found a small clot in my lungs a few days ago.”

Bobbie stilled, the smile fading from her lips. “What?”

“I, um, have to check in after Christmas for a procedure to take care of it. That’s why I wanted to tell you ahead of time. I was hoping you and Monica might tell anyone else who needs to know about the medical part. I just…on Christmas, I just want to tell people about the baby and have them be happy for us. I don’t want anyone to worry, you know? Because I’m not worried. And neither is Monica,” Elizabeth explained in a rush. “So don’t…worry, that is.”

“If Monica isn’t worried,” Bobbie said slowly, “then I suppose I won’t be either. She guided you through the last time, and you were the first case of CTEPH in the country to survive a diagnosis and have a child survive past a week. You’re a miracle, and so is Cameron. So, if you’re telling me not to worry, I’ll believe you.”

“A miracle,” Elizabeth murmured, looking at her son. Cameron looked up, grinned at her, his blue eyes visible behind his glasses. Jason’s eyes. Lila’s eyes. Her perfect child who had survived against all the odds. She took a deep breath, and Bobbie reached for her hand.

“Honey?”

“Sorry. Sorry. Sometimes I forget, you know? You have to forget or women would never go through pregnancy more than once,” Elizabeth said. “And, oh, God, I’m sorry, Bobbie—”

“It’s all right, sweetheart.” Bobbie smiled at her. “You don’t have to worry for my sake. I wanted more babies. To make up for the one I’d given away. But being pregnant, giving birth—that’s not what makes you a mother. I had my BJ, and I have Lucas. Carly came back to me. And, now of course, I have you.” She used her thumb to brush away a tear that slid down Elizabeth’s cheek. “It was a miracle. You and Cameron. I won’t ever forget that.”

“I don’t want a miracle this time,” Elizabeth said. “I know that sounds insane, but I don’t want it. I just want a normal pregnancy. With cravings and leg cramps, and going into labor, and holding my baby a few minutes after delivery…and I don’t want to go anywhere near the NICU. I don’t want a miracle.”

“Of course not. We can be grateful to everyone who made Cameron possible, but that doesn’t mean I ever want to go near that part of the hospital again. I don’t want any of my family to do that. You said Monica’s not worried? And Jason’s not hovering, trying to take your vitals every five seconds, so he’s not either.”

“I had a panic attack the other night. At the department store. I lost my breath for a minute.” Elizabeth sighed. “But other than that, I don’t even feel a difference. So, yeah. I’m not worried. I’m trying not to be. And I know Jason’s trying not to, either. It’s hard.”

“I know. But you’ll get this cleared up, and we’ll put it behind us and enjoy what’s to come. Sixteen weeks, huh? So you must know what you’re having. Are we decorating in pinks or blues?”

“We found out last month.” And now Elizabeth’s smile bloomed. “We’re having another little boy. Cam’s getting a little brother.”

“Oh! Oh! You’re going to be outnumbered! I love this.” Bobbie clapped her hands together. “Cameron’s going to be the best big brother. Are you excited, Cam?”

Cam looked up at the sound of his name and realized he was being addressed. “I bestest,” he said with a nod. He pressed a hand to his chest. “Big brother.”

“That’s right,” Elizabeth murmured, ruffling his dark blond hair. “The best big brother of all the brothers.”

Spencer House: Living Room

“Kelsey!” Laura Spencer drew her daughter-in-law into a warm hug, then stepped back. “Come in, come in. It’s such a surprise to see you here in the middle of the day!”

“Sorry to just show up without warning like this.” Kelsey forced a smile, keeping her hands in the pockets of her coat. “Lucky said you were working from home today, so I took a chance.”

“Of course. Come into the kitchen, I’ll put on some coffee—”

“Oh, I’m not—I can’t stay. Today’s the last day before the holidays, and I have a few things I have to do.” She fisted her hands inside the pockets. “Um, so you know Lucky went down to New York, right? For the funeral. They’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Yes. Lucky said a few of them were able to get away. It’s such a shame Dante was never able to find peace with his grandmother.” Laura shook her head. “I’ll never understand how she was able to live with herself, knowing she chose that monster over such a wonderful boy.”

“Yeah, it’s…it’s really terrible.” Kelsey bit her lip. “I’m, um, going to my mother’s this year. To Buffalo. So I won’t be here on Christmas Eve.”

Laura looked at her so long that Kelsey dropped her eyes. “What does that have to do with Lucky going to New York? Was that a deal you made? He went to the city, so…” Her mother-in-law squinted. “So you’re going to your mother’s? Or was it a fight? I don’t understand.”

“No. No. I’m leaving tonight,” Kelsey said. “To go to Buffalo. I was going to leave him a note—but that didn’t seem right, so I thought, well you could give him the message—”

“Or you could,” Laura said gently. She took Kelsey by the arm. “Come in. Let’s talk.”

“I can’t stay—”

“If you want me to tell my son his wife is leaving him, then you’ll stay,” Laura said, her tone firm but kind. “It’s not the kind of thing I’ll agree to do standing by my front door. Take off your coat and let’s talk.”

With a heavy sigh, Kelsey let Laura take her coat and followed her to sit on the sofa by the fireplace. “I’m not leaving him. I’m just—you know, even though they solved my dad’s case, Mom still doesn’t like coming to Port Charles, so—”

“I understand, and I’m sorry for her, I am. You and Lucky resolved that by alternating holidays. This is our turn, isn’t it?” Laura tipped her head. “And you usually don’t go until Christmas Eve, not a few days earl, so I really don’t think this is just about visiting your mother.”

Kelsey stared at her hands. “You know what happened this summer.”

“I do. And I know the due date is coming up. It must be a hard time for you both. Luke said Lucky’s been pulling a lot of shifts lately. And here you are, planning your escape. Kelsey—”

“We weren’t planning kids yet. Um, it was an accident, I guess. We said we wanted them,” Kelsey said, her words halting. “But it was always…some day in the future. When I was more settled at work, when he’d taken the detective’s exam and had a better schedule. But then I was pregnant, and we were excited. And then we weren’t.” She glanced at her mother-in-law, then back at her hands. “I can’t go through that again. You don’t know what it’s like.”

“No, I don’t. I’m so sorry, honey.” Laura reached for one of her hands, pulled it into her lap, forcing Kelsey to look at her. “Have you spoken to Lucky?”

“N-no. I don’t know how to say it to him. He wants kids. A-and when it happened, we were both upset. But a few months ago, he started talking about trying again, and then we found this ornament, and I wanted to throw it away, but he wanted to keep it, and we just had a terrible argument—” Her breathing came fast, and Kelsey squeezed her eyes shut. “I can’t go through it again. I don’t want to go through it again.”

“Ever?” Laura asked delicately, and Kelsey looked at her. “Is that what you’re afraid to tell Lucky? That you don’t want kids at all now?”

“No. No. That’s not—” Kelsey bit her lips. “No,” she repeated, quietly. “Not never. Just…not now. And maybe for a little while. A year or two. Or something. It’s just…it’s too soon. And I don’t want to disappoint him. He was so happy, Laura. You know? And I love him so much, and I don’t want to make him sad or wait for something he wants—”

“Isn’t life strange?” Laura said, with a smile, and Kelsey broke off, bewildered. “Lulu was just here the other day, and we were having a similar conversation. She and Dante are sort of at the same place you and Lucky are. Except Lu doesn’t ever want kids. And Dante does.”

“I know. Lucky said something about them fighting. Maybe it’s why he brought it up with me. Babies on the mind, I guess.” Kelsey swiped at her eyes. “What did you tell her?”

“I told her that loving someone means wanting the best for them. Wanting them to be happy, even if it means not being with them. Dante and Lulu are worlds apart on this, and I don’t see how you can meet in the middle on something like this. I really don’t. Which is what I told her. But she went to New York all the same because she loves him.” Laura patted Kelsey’s hand. “You’re scared right now, and you don’t want to go through any of it again. I want you to think about my son. Think about why you love him. And ask yourself, do you really think he’ll be disappointed or angry if you want to wait a little longer to have the kids you both say you want?”

Kelsey huffed. “Well, when you put it that way, it sounds stupid, doesn’t it?” she muttered.

“It does,” Laura agreed with a wide smile. “But it’s all right, honey. You couldn’t say it out loud before, and you came to me because I think you knew I’d never agree to tell Lucky you were going to Buffalo.”

“Yeah, I guess that was a terrible idea.” Kelsey sighed. “Thank you.”

“Promise me, you’ll talk to Lucky when he gets home tomorrow,” Laura said. “You’ll feel so much better.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Kelsey nodded. “I’ll talk to him.”

Bensonhurst: St. Mary Mother of Jesus Roman Catholic Church

He didn’t sit with his mother or the rest of the Falconieri family. His mother had argued with him, but one look from Uncle Frankie at the house, Dante knew there’d be nothing but misery if he forced himself into the front pew.

He sat a few rows behind them, watching his mother sit isolated at the end, sick to his stomach as his Aunt Frannie, who regularly visited Vinnie in prison and was still petitioning for his release the last he heard, was sobbing loudly, clutching at his uncle. Frannie, who had never believed for a minute what her son had done, was in the inner circle while his mother was treated like garbage.

Maybe he’d wondered a little if the angry emotions had faded in the years since Vinnie had landed in a state prison — if maybe there was a chance Dante could come home one day and have the future he’d wanted.

But today proved that wasn’t possible. Home wasn’t Bensonhurst anymore, and it never would be again.

At the end of the service, as the family filed out, Dante stood and joined his mother, taking her hand as she lagged behind. She smiled at him, wound her arm through his. “It’s okay, baby.”

Dante opened his mouth to respond, but then his eye caught a familiar face. More than one. Lucky was in the last row of the church, and by his side were Maxie, Lulu, and Cruz. Dante swallowed hard. They’d come all this way for him. Even Lu.

“Yeah, I know, Ma. We’re gonna be all right.” He squeezed his mother’s hand, then looked back at his friends, hoping the gratitude showed in his eyes. Why would he ever want to come back here when the best people he knew were in Port Charles?

Brownstone: Carly’s Apartment

“I can’t think of anything we missed,” Carly said, scanning the list in her hand. “What about you?”

AJ scratched off the item they’d just wrapped — a set of Legos for Morgan — then shook his head. “No, I think we’re good. Which is a relief because I don’t want to go anywhere near the stores again. Or the mall.”

“I don’t really mind,” Carly admitted, picking up a small stack of gifts from the dining table. “Come on, we can hide the last of these in my room. Lucas isn’t sending the boys back over for another half hour.”

“I’ll get the big ones.”

They hid the stack of gifts in Carly’s closet and under her bed — and it was a good thing they were done, she thought. They’d run out of every available space. Kneeling next to her bed, she sat back on her heels. “I definitely need to move somewhere bigger. Or I need to stop buying so much.”

“Bigger place is probably the answer,” AJ said, holding out a hand. “Because if you don’t go overboard, how do I justify doing it?” He tugged Carly to her feet, and she stumbled into him. He set his hands at her hips to steady her. Startled, her eyes flew to his and they both jerked away. “Sorry. Uh, we better clean up the wrapping paper.”

“Right. Right.” Her mother’s voice was in her ear, Carly thought with irritation. And that stupid conversation from the other day when she’d wondered what life would have been like if she’d given her marriage a real chance all those years ago.

Once the holidays and Michael’s birthday were over, they could go back to not seeing each other that much, she thought. Michael’s overnight visits, and the occasional daylight hand off. That’s all they really needed. She needed a break from all this holiday stuff, where it was too easy to pretend they were a family.

“That can all go in the hall closet,” Carly said when they went back to the front of the apartment. “The wrapping paper, I mean. I’ll take the tape and scissors.”

“Yeah. Sure.” AJ picked up one of the half-used tubes, then paused. “I was thinking about Christmas. About having Michael.”

“I mentioned it to him,” Carly said almost absently. “He was excited to see you in the morning. So I’m glad you asked—”

“I was going to ask if maybe I could stay at Bobbie’s and we could do Christmas here.”

Carly dropped the tape in the junk drawer in the kitchen, then looked up at him. “What?”

“I don’t care where I see Michael,” AJ said. “And I don’t want him to miss Morgan. So maybe I could take the guest room. I’d suggest the sofa here, but that would, uh, interfere with Santa, you know?”

“That’s…You don’t have to do that. You should have him on Christmas like you wanted. Morgan—he’ll be fine. We’ll have Lucas and Felix, and Mama here. Plus, Lucas’s friends will be in and out all day. Morgan will have a lot of people around.”

“But not like having his brother. We don’t know how long Michael will believe in Santa. I don’t want him to miss out being with Morgan while he still does.”

She bit her lip, nodded. “Okay. Yeah, um, I know Mama won’t mind. She’ll be happy to let you grab a room.” She met his eyes. “Thank you. I really—I want Michael and Morgan to have each other. To be close. The way I never was with anyone.”

“You have Lucas now,” AJ pointed out, and Carly smiled thinly, digging into the drawer for her takeout menus.

“Someone else who just felt sorry for me and the kids, sure. I’m ordering some Chinese food for dinner if you’re interested, or if not, that’s okay.”

“Carly—” AJ looked like he was going to say something else, but when she looked at him, he just shook his head. “Never mind. Chinese food sounds great. Thanks.”

Morgan Penthouse: Living Room

Christmas music was playing when Jason opened the door that evening—just like almost every night for the last two months. He would be almost relieved after the holiday were over, he thought, dropping his keys on the desk, then hanging up his jacket — along with the ones Elizabeth had left on the desk chair—some things would never change.

“We’re in here!” Elizabeth’s voice rose over the music, and he followed it towards the kitchen where she stood in a rare position — in front of the stove.

Cameron sat at the table, coloring. A blue crayon was clutched in his hand and he was crouched over one of his mother’s sketchpads.

“Hey.” Jason slid his arm around Elizabeth’s waist, kissed her temple. “Isn’t Friday usually Thai food?”

“Usually, but I walked past Mama Mangione’s after I finished lunch, and I had a craving for pasta in red sauce.” She brought a spoon up. “Taste this.”

“It’s—good,” Jason admitted.

“I should be insulted by the surprise in your voice,” Elizabeth muttered. “But I still remember how my first attempt at tomato sauce tasted. I still don’t know how all that salt got in there.”

Jason kissed her temple again, then sat at the table. “Hey, Cam.”

“Hi Daddy. I busy. Talk later.” The toddler didn’t even bother to look up, which made Jason frown. It wasn’t like Cameron to get so absorbed in something — though he’d been doing it more lately, he thought. The Christmas movies, for one thing. Maybe that was a good thing. His attention span was expanding.

“He’s been like that since we got home.” Elizabeth turned the sauce down to simmer and took a seat at the table. “Are you done, um, work for the holidays yet or—”

“Most of the warehouse is shut down after today, but I have one shipment to deal with tomorrow. I’ll be home for dinner,” he promised. He hesitated. “I, uh, told Carly today. About the baby. It came up,” he said, looking away at the last minute.

“Oh, well, I talked to Bobbie, so I guess we both had the same idea.” She frowned. “You okay? You seem a little distracted.”

“I’m—” He sat back, watched Cameron for another long moment. “Sorry. About last night.” He met her eyes, then looked away again. “What I said about writing people off easily. I know you don’t do that.”

“You didn’t mean it. It’s fine—”

“It’s—” Jason leaned forward, folded his arms on the table. “I was irritated with Carly today. Because she told you. That’s why I told her about the baby. I thought she’d leave it alone if she knew…”

“If she knew I was pregnant and had a blood clot?” Elizabeth raised her brows. “I’m sure she loved that.”

“She knew I was just trying to distract her. Guilt her into keeping you out of it. Which only pissed her off, so—” Jason sighed, finally looking up again. “You were right. I was relieved and felt guilty about it. And I know there’s no reason to be guilty, but—” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know how to stop. Sonny was like a brother to me. And I know it’s not that simple. I know I didn’t just abandon him overnight, but sometimes it feels like I did.”

“You were the last one off the ship, Jason, and if it hadn’t been for me and Cameron and the situation we were in? You’d have gone down with it.” She reached across the table, squeezed his hand. “Loyalty. That’s your best trait. And your fatal flaw. When Sonny confessed, you hired him a lawyer. And we went to his sentencing. You visited him in prison every few months for three years. The only reason you didn’t see him a few days ago is because he cut you out. What part of that is abandoning him?”

The corner of his mouth curved up, and he took her hand in his, his fingertips tracing her palm. “None of it, I guess. But I’ll always wonder if I could have done more.”

“We never did get that trial,” Elizabeth murmured. “Sometimes I wonder if I’d never talked about wanting Ric to rot in prison, if I’d never told you I thought it would help me to get past it all — would Carly have asked? Where would we be if I hadn’t said it? If you hadn’t promised it.”

“It doesn’t matter. You and Carly being okay — that was all I wanted,” Jason told her. “Once you told me it would help, and Carly agreed, I was going to make it happen. Sonny had a choice, Elizabeth. And he chose to let that be the first domino. But it’s not why the rest of it happened.”

“The first domino to fall is always the important one. I mostly let the guilt go, you know. I couldn’t have known where it would end up. But it’s a question I ask myself sometimes. It’s okay to feel relieved you don’t have to put yourself through it.” She rose, dropped a kiss on top of his head, and went back to the stove to start the pasta.

“Daddy, daddy—” Cameron slid the paper he’d been working on across the table, then slid off the chair to run over to him. Jason lifted his son into his lap. “I drawed you a picture.”

“Yeah?” Jason picked up the paper, saw the neatly colored collection of circles and the blue shade filling in a lot of the white space at the top.

“Yeah. I tell you. Like Mommy. I tell you.” He pointed at the first circle. “You. Then me. Mommy. Then new baby. And Teddy, the doggy Santa bring. Gammy Bobbie. Gammy Monca and Grampy Awan. Aunt Car and Uncle AJ and Mikey and Morgan. Family.” Cameron smiled brightly at him. “I tell you. You like my picture?”

“I love the picture. You did such a great job telling me all about it.” Jason set him on the floor. “Why don’t you go put it on the fridge?”

“Okay.”

When Cameron had dashed across the kitchen to pick out a magnet, Jason went to Elizabeth, brushed her hair off her shoulder. “I have an idea about the dog,” he murmured, and she looked at him. “Just let me handle everything.”

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