And all I want from you is what you are
And even if you’re right next to me
You’re still too far away
If I’m not inside your arms
I get dramatic, baby, yes I know
But I need you, I want you, oh man, I love you so
You’re gonna see
I’m gonna run, I’m gonna try
I’m gonna take this love right to ya
All my heart, all the joy
Oh baby, baby, please
– Rush Rush, Paul Abdul

---

Saturday, January 8, 2000

Morgan Penthouse: Hallway

It was past midnight when Jason finally climbed the stairs, and part of him was relieved. It was late enough that he was sure Elizabeth would be asleep and he wouldn’t have to think about that disastrous conversation in the kitchen.

He knew he’d messed everything up—had seen the way her entire body had flinched when he’d rejected her offer to make plans for after she’d finished work. The life had drained out of her eyes, the color fading her from her cheeks. He’d hurt her, and he didn’t know how to make it right.

When she’d smiled at him at the end, and it had been one of the smiles he’d seen her give everyone else last fall — hoping they’d believe it and think she was all right— it had slammed into him like a punch to the gut. He couldn’t stand thinking he was someone she thought she had to pretend with.

He hated knowing Sonny was right, that Jason had caused her all of this pain by not simply reassuring her that he wanted her to stay with him—

But it couldn’t be ruined completely, Jason reminded himself. Elizabeth hadn’t moved to the guest bedroom—which he’d seen yesterday was now furnished. She’d stayed in their bedroom, in their bed.

And she lay there now, fast asleep. As long as she was still here, he could fix this. He just had to open his damn mouth and tell her what he was thinking. And keep doing that. And then she’d never smile at him that way again, with the lie on her lips and the truth in her eyes.

He changed into a pair of sweat pants, then crawled into bed beside her, unsurprised when she didn’t stir. He laid on his back, and listened to her breathe.

Jason wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but he must have because the next thing he knew, sunlight was sliding through the cracks in the curtains at the windows. He was still laying on his back, but Elizabeth had turned over in the night and was now facing him, still sleeping, a hand tucked beneath her cheek, her hair loose around her shoulders, curls falling over her face.

Her eyelids fluttered and she rolled onto her back, stretching her arms over her head, then crossing them over her eyes. “We need darker curtains,” she mumbled. “Can we get them in black?”

He turned, propping himself on his elbow. “What about the blinds?”

“You have money. We’ll get them custom made—” Elizabeth’s voice was still slurred as she drifted between a state of sleep and alertness.

“I can do that.”

She let her hands fall to her side, her eyes open now, still a bit unfocused. Watching her wake up, climb through the layers until she was fully awake, was one of his new favorite ways to spend the morning.

“Hey,” she said softly. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

“I spent yesterday,” she said, “thinking about what you said the other day. About not having to stay married.”

He braced himself. Would she want to annul things now? Had she already had enough?

“At first I thought you told me because you wanted me to be ready,” she continued. “Because maybe it wouldn’t even be six months. Maybe it’d be next month.”

Jason shook his head. “No—”

“And it hurt,” she admitted, her voice soft. “Because it was like you were already—because if we got divorced, we couldn’t—I mean, it would be weird and people would wonder. So it was like you were planning for the end—”

He was, but— “Not that way—”

“No, I know.” Now she smiled and this time it was real, he could see it in her eyes, in her cheeks, and feel it in the way her body was still relaxed from sleep. “You told me because you wanted me to have a choice.”

The tension slid from him and he nodded. “Because you needed to know, but—”

“I talked to Alexis.”

Jason frowned. “What?”

“She doesn’t agree with Sonny.” She rolled over so that she could see him. “About the PCPD just going away.”

“Oh.” Relief swirled in his gut. He still had time.

“But if Sonny were right…” Elizabeth hesitated. “If Alexis said we didn’t need the year…” her eyes searched his. “Would you still want it? I mean, if we had the choice.”

“We did have the choice,” Jason reminded. “I made mine.”

“Before the wedding, yeah. But now, it would be different. Carly isn’t a threat anymore.” Elizabeth nibbled at her bottom lip. “Would—would you agree with Sonny? That we’d just stay married until we didn’t want to be?”

“Isn’t that what everyone does? They stop being married when they don’t want to be anymore?” It wasn’t an answer to her question, he knew that, but he wasn’t really sure now that she was asking it. He didn’t want things to change right now, but he knew that wasn’t what she wanted to know.

“I guess.” Elizabeth paused. “But it’s different. I don’t know. And I don’t think we should just ignore it like it doesn’t matter.”

He hesitated. “I’m not doing that—”

“We both are.” She sighed, stared at the ceiling. “I knew we’d be married for a year, and I thought, well that’s enough time to figure out what this is, so that’s fine. And you know, I think I was expecting you to be done with me by then.”

Jason scowled. “Done with you—”

“Or maybe I’d be ready to move on,” she said, and he stopped again. “Which would make that year agreement a relief, right? An out. An exit plan.”

“Right—”

“But what if we don’t want an exit plan in a year?” Elizabeth rolled on her side, waited for him to look at her. “What if we still want to be together? That’s—I mean, that could happen. Do we just stay married?”

“I—”

“I don’t think it’s right to just…drift into marriage either, and that’s all we’d be doing. Marriage—it should be a promise.” She met his eyes. “We didn’t make it. Not the way I’d want to. Um, does that make sense?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Yeah. It does.” And he didn’t have an easy answer to that.

“And we’re not ready to talk about making that promise.” She slid closer and he tugged her into his arms, relieved that she fit just the way she had the day before. “I’m not trying to get you to do that.”

“I know that.”

“I just—I don’t want to ruin the chance that maybe one day…” The tips of her fingers traced a pattern on his chest. “Maybe we’d want to.”

“We won’t.” He kissed the top of her head. “As long as we’re honest with each other. If—if you change your mind—if you don’t want to be here anymore—”

“I’ll tell you.” She tiled her head up so that their eyes met again. “And you’ll tell me if you’re the one that changes their mind. That’s — that’s a promise we should be able to make.”

“It’s an easy one.” He brushed his mouth against hers.

“Do you have to be anywhere?” she murmured.

“No.”

“Good. Can we just lay here for a little while? I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” He tightened his arms around her, and they lay together in the quiet, early morning. Just the two of them.

---

A few hours later, Elizabeth emerged from the bathroom, and when she found Jason still in the room, standing at the dresser to pull out clothes for the day, she decided to take it as a sign.

“Hey, um, do you have something to do today?” she asked, forcing a casualness to her tone, even as she slid her eyes over the muscles in his back, and the smooth expanse of his chest when he turned to answer her question.

“No,” he said, and her cheeks flushed when she dragged her eyes up to meet his, to find him smiling because he’d probably known what she was looking at.

She could do this. She could absolutely do this, and reminded herself that Jason had made it clear for more than a week now that he was physically attracted to her, but it was easy to forget that. She was…who she was and built the way she was, and Jason was older and he’d been with other women—how many, she wondered idly, and how could she possibly—

“Did you want to do something?”

His question jerked her out of her thoughts and she bit her lip, folded her arms. She mentally cheered when his eyes drifted down—the strap of her tank top had slid down her shoulder. Okay, so maybe—

“Yes. I—” She stepped forward. Just a single step because it was literally all she could manage. Everything felt tingly and heavy and strange. How did you ask a man to take off his clothes? Was it too fast? But he’d done it a few days ago, she reminded herself—

“Elizabeth?” Jason prompted. He closed the dresser drawer, then strode towards her, stopping a few feet away. He tipped his head to the side. “What did you want to do?”

You.

She knew she hadn’t said it out loud, but maybe it was in her eyes because the blue in his seemed to change shades, darkening, and there was a tenseness in his chest that hadn’t been there earlier. Not tense. That wasn’t the right word. But she could literally see his body tighten.

She was an adult woman who was married to this man. She could ask for it, couldn’t she? He wouldn’t laugh at her or say no.

Elizabeth lifted her chin, took a deep breath. “Um, a few days ago. Before the search warrant, I mean. We were talking about…and we were—” She gestured at him. “I just, um, didn’t want you to think I wasn’t still thinking about it—” Stop babbling, moron, she chided herself.

Jason caught her hand and drew her closer until their bodies brushed. He dipped his head and kissed her, and all of the nerves fled her body like rain cascading from the sky. She loved the flavor of him, the mint from his toothpaste, the way he always tasted just a little like coffee—

Her hands dug into the skin just beneath his shoulder blades, addicted to the way his skin felt like silk stretched over steel. And his heart pounded against her chest as Jason dragged her closer, his fingers tangled in her hair, sliding through until he’d released it from the band she’d been wearing. It spilled down around her face and shoulders.

Jason drew back just slightly, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his breathing shallow and the color in his cheeks raised. She’d done that to him, she had to remind herself. He’d been touching and kissing her and she’d made him that way—

“What do you want to do?” he repeated, but now the question sounded different, his voice thicker and pitched lower. And she wasn’t as scared as she’d been before. She wasn’t worried he’d laugh at her or refuse.

And she thought maybe she wasn’t scared of anything anymore. How could she be when this was Jason in front of her? The man who had slept beside her for more than a week? She knew the weight of his body now, the gentleness inside of it, the softness—he could never hurt her.

Elizabeth slid her hand up his chest, her fingers resting just below his collar bone. Below the bobbing of his throat as his heart continue to beat rapidly against her body. She needed to put what she wanted into words, because she knew—she knew—he wouldn’t touch her until she gave him permission. Until she told him what she wanted.

She could hear her heart so loudly it was pounding in her ears, but she knew what to do. How to tell him she was ready. She took a step forward, and he stepped back. She took another step, and he understood—

His knees hit the edge of the bed and Jason slowly sank down on the edge of the mattress, sliding back slightly. Her pulse was skittering now, and her hands were nearly shaking as she lifted a leg to rest on the bed beside him. Jason’s hands went to her hips, supporting her as she slid the other leg across him.

His fingers had slid beneath the edge of her tank top, where it had separated from the top of her sleep shorts, the touch scorching against her bare skin. His eyes were still locked on hers, and his hands didn’t move.

She could feel him against her now and it wasn’t the first time he’d been aroused, the heaviness against her body. The mornings she woke up curled around him, he’d always been hard — and he’d always rolled away and said nothing.

Elizabeth had never been scared of him in those moments, and now, knowing that they were close to the next step, to the step she’d never been able to take—

“Are you okay?” he asked, roughly.

Elizabeth just smiled, rested her forehead against his, her hands touching his face, just letting herself settle. She could stay here forever, his warm body against hers, reminding her that she wasn’t damaged. That she was more than the girl who’d crawled out of the bushes.

“You could never hurt me,” she answered softly. “I’m ready for this. I trust you.”

“Elizabeth, I can wait as long as you need me to,” he promised. He brushed her hair out of her face, his hands warm on her neck. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I want to know.” She kissed him, reaching for his hands. She laced their fingers together, then brought them to her body, sliding beneath her tank top. “I want you to—” She lost the words then, her breath failing as his thumbs brushed the underside of her breasts. “Please.”

“I need you to say it,” he murmured against her throat as she dipped her head back. “You’re in charge, remember?”

Oh, he was so mean, she thought, dropping her head back to glare at him. Jason just laughed at her, his eyes sparkling with mischief and amusement. Elizabeth arched a brow. Two could play that game, she decided and she rocked her hips back, then forward—and now he was the one who lost his breath for a moment.

“You were saying?” she murmured.

Jason slid the hem of her top slowly up, his eyes on hers, waiting for her to say anything to stop him. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t.

And then it was gone, tossed somewhere in the room, and she still wasn’t scared. Still wasn’t pulling back.

“I want this,” she told him softly. “And I want it to be you.”

He was so careful with her, moving almost too slowly at times and even when Elizabeth expected him to roll them, so that she was on her back and he’d rise over her—he never did. Maybe he thought it would scare her—

But she didn’t think about any of that—couldn’t have. She was lost in the way his hands felt on hers, the way his body tensed, then nearly quivered as she explored with her fingers. She wanted to spend forever just learning every piece of him—

And then the moment came that she’d been terrified of—the moment she’d had nightmares about and panic attacks—and it was as natural and as beautiful as she’d dreamed. She wasn’t being ripped apart and broken, but pieced back together and made to feel whole for the first time in years.

And he kept those beautiful eyes on hers every minute as he slid inside, waiting for her to stop him, to give him a signal, the worry mixed with lust she could see and feel brought tears to her eyes. This wonderful man who managed to always put her first even when anyone else would be thinking of his own pleasure—

“Are you all right?” he managed when it was over and she lay on his chest, sweat glistening on their skin, their breathing shallow and rapid, the sunlight sliding through the curtains and bathing the room in golden light. Or maybe that was inside her mind. It was hard to say, hard to separate the dream from the reality.

“Better than,” she breathed, closing her eyes and drifting. “Perfect.”

No Name Restaurant: Private Dining Room

Sonny frowned when he entered the room and only saw Sammy Tagliatti and Daniel Vega waiting—no Sorel.  An emergency meeting already didn’t bode all that well — but one missing the most unpredictable member wasn’t particularly encouraging.

“Uh, you commanded my presence?” he said, rubbing his chin.

“Sonny.” Daniel Vega rose. “Take seat—”

“No, thanks. I’ll stand.” Sonny rested his hands on the back of the seat left empty for him. “What did you need?”

“We’ve been discussing the matter of Joseph Sorel,” Vega continued, resuming his seat at the other end of the table, clearly elected to lead this particular meeting. He steepled his fingers in front of him. “And we thought that perhaps we might offer you a chance to make good on some…broken promises.”

Sonny tensed. “Broken promises,” he repeated.

“Two years ago,” Vega continued, “you were supposed to marry the lovely Brenda Barrett. We were invited to attend, and continue the tradition of trading favors in honor of the marriage.”

“The marriage didn’t happen—” Sonny said, his throat tight, remembering that terrible day. And Brenda, lost forever to the deep, still waters of the lake.

“Yes, my Carlotta was quite disappointed in you to not even have the decency to call off the ceremony before it began.”

Sonny grimaced. “What’s your point? What does that have to do with Sorel?”

“We’d like to arrange a way to rid ourselves of the pest,” Vega said. “And celebrate your partner’s marriage in a manner befitting such a lovely bride. We’ll hold a reception here at the No Name. Sorel will be reluctantly invited. We will celebrate the young love of Mr. Morgan and the lovely Elizabeth, and then we will solve our Sorel problem.”

Sonny hesitated, then swallowed the immediate denial that came to mind. Jason would never agree to it — he’d never want Elizabeth to be part of this.

But he took an extra moment, took a look at Tagliatti who had said nothing, leaving the entire matter in Vega’s hands.

“All right. Let’s talk details.”

Morgan Penthouse: Master Bedroom

Jason wasn’t one for dreams — when he closed his eyes, there was nothing between falling asleep and waking up. But if he dreamed, he didn’t think he’d be able to think of anything that was better than this moment.

Elizabeth was in his arms, curled up and dozing, her body soft and relaxed tucked against his, as if she’d been designed to fit there. She’d picked today of all days to take the next step—one he hadn’t thought possible for at least a few more weeks.

He’d fumbled so badly the other day—and yesterday—letting her think that he didn’t want to be with her anymore, and somehow, without Jason doing anything to fix it, Elizabeth had found a way to bridge that awkwardness—to resolve their tension—

It almost didn’t feel fair, Jason thought, for her to have been the one to fix it when he’d broken it in the first place. But maybe that was okay. Maybe it was supposed to be like this.

“Can’t we just stay like this all day?” Elizabeth murmured, her lashes fluttering. Her eyes remained closed.

“We could,” he murmured against her forehead. “If you don’t want to eat anything.”

“I’m afraid if I move—” She stopped, her voice faltering, and Jason was startled when he felt something damp on his chest, and Elizabeth rolled away from him hiding her face.

“Elizabeth?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Hey. It’s not.” Jason leaned down, kissed her shoulder, left bare by the sheet that had slid away when she’d moved. “Talk to me.”

“I just…” Elizabeth rolled to her back, and he hovered over her, worried about the shimmer of tears he still saw in her eyes. “What if I wake up and it’s all a dream? Sometimes dreams feel so real when you’re in them, and then you wake up, and it’s so much worse. Because—”

Jason dipped his head to hide the smile tugging at his lips. He nuzzled her neck, then—nipped her collarbone. She jerked, startled. Her eyes wide. “Still think it’s a dream?” he asked.

“You think that’s funny, don’t you?” Her eyes narrowed.

“A little.” He grinned and the irritation smoothed away from her expression. “It’s not a dream,” he told her. “And if we get up and get dressed, it doesn’t mean we can’t come right back in here later and do this all over again. If that’s what you want to do.”

Elizabeth studied him. “Is that what you want to do?”

“Spending the day in bed with you,” Jason told her, his voice deepening, “is all I’ve wanted to do since the first time I kissed you.”

“Really?”

“I told you—” he swept his thumb across her bottom lip, then leaned down to kiss her again. “I told you days ago that I wanted you.”

“I know.”

He stroked the long line of her torso with his fingertips, until he reached her knee, lifting it so that she rested more firmly against him. She bit her lip again— “Every time you do that, you know what it makes me want to do?” he asked her.

“What?”

He kissed her, taking that bottom lip into his mouth and flicking his tongue over the nicks her teeth had left. She sighed, tangled her fingers in his hair. He started to raise himself over her, to cover her, then stopped.

“What’s wrong?” she murmured, her eyes unfocused. “Don’t you—”

“Do you want to?” he asked. Her expression cleared and she realized what he meant. She’d needed to be in charge, to make the moves. And he’d made sure she was on top, completely in control of moving.

This way, with her underneath him—he’d stop if she wanted him to, but he didn’t want her to feel trapped. To feel fear or anxiety even for a moment.

He slid his hand down to cover her heart, feeling its rapid beat beneath his fingers. “I need you to be okay,” he said, almost roughly. “To want this, too.”

“I do.” She swallowed hard. “And just like this. I do. You would do it this way with anyone else—”

“You’re not anyone else,” he cut in.

“But I want to be.” Her eyes filled again and he exhaled. Better to have this conversation now then be in the middle and hurt her worse. Jason swept her up, rolling so that he was sitting up and she was in his lap, straddling him.  “Jason—”

“I need you to listen to me,” he said, a bit more roughly than he meant to. He cupped her head by the nape of her neck and kissed her hard, until she was panting and her eyes were glazed over again. “Look at me and listen, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I want you. Like this. Underneath me. Against the wall. In the shower. Bent—” he stopped as her eyes widened, not with surprise or shock, but something else and he really needed to finish this part without being distracted again. “But you are not just a body in my bed. You’re not anyone else,” he repeated. “You’re Elizabeth. And I don’t want you, not for one minute, to feel anything but good when you’re with me. That’s all that matters. I need you to understand that. As long as I have my hands on you—I don’t care how it happens.”

She smiled tremulously. “You really mean that.”

She was going to kill him. “Yes.”

Elizabeth licked her lips and he thought maybe he’d just kill her instead— “Then I think I want all of the above. Including the one you didn’t finish.”

“What?”

“Maybe not all at once,” she continued, wiggling until his eyes nearly crossed, and she smirked. Fast learner, he thought.  “But definitely making a list.”

He groaned, dropped his forehead until it rested against her collarbone. “You’re going to kill me,” he said, this time out loud, and he felt her laugh, more than heard it.

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” She tilted his head back up, cupped his jaw with her hands so that their eyes met again. “I mean that. When you look at me, when I’m in your arms like this, there’s nothing else. I was so scared it wouldn’t be like that. But it’s just us. Just you.”

He swept her hair back, kissed the hollow of her throat. “Tell me what you want.”

“I want to be underneath you.” Her hands braced at his shoulders. “If that’s okay.”

“That…is definitely okay,” he managed after a moment to take a deep breath. Then he gave her exactly what she wanted.

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