Confusion that never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know
Singin’ come out upon my seas
Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease? Singin’
– Clocks, Coldplay
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Nadine’s Apartment: Living Room
“Yeah, yeah, okay — I’ll be in. No, it’s fine—” Nadine folded one arm across her middle, her fingers tightening on the cordless phone at her ear. “Right. I’ll see you then.”
Johnny kicked off the sneakers he’d worn that morning. It was the fourth morning he’d joined Nadine in her morning jog. She’d been bewildered the first time, but he’d managed to convince her he was trying to fix his sleeping schedule. Which was partially true, he reflected.
She didn’t need to know that he was sticking to her like glue when she wasn’t at the hospital.
“I thought you were off for another day,” he said, tucking the sneakers on the shoe rack next to her door. He pulled off his sweatshirt, leaving him in a pair of blue mesh shorts and white t-shirt.
“It’s not a full shift. Elizabeth asked me to come in.” Nadine pressed the phone against her chest, just looked at him. “She didn’t want someone they didn’t know handling the transfer.”
Johnny’s fingers clutched the sweatshirt, tightening into fists. “They’re moving Sonny today?”
“Yeah, and they need a nurse to oversee the transfer. Elizabeth feels like she’s too close, I guess, and I’m sure she wants to be there for Jason.” Nadine set the phone back on the base.
“She asked you?” Johnny said. “You don’t think that’s strange?”
“No. Well—” Nadine bit her lip. “Maybe. We don’t know each super well, but we’ve been friendly enough. I mean, we’ve both been almost killed by the same people—”
“You really think that’s something to joke about?” Johnny muttered. He disappeared into the bedroom, irritated she wasn’t taking any of this seriously and with himself for picking a fight when Nadine hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Am I supposed to pretend your father didn’t try to kill me last year?” she asked, appearing in the doorway. “Or that he didn’t try to get Jason and Elizabeth to jump off the parapet? And Diego Alcazar, you know he came after us both—I’m just saying. I’m not surprised Elizabeth asked me, that’s all.”
“You’re not the least bit confused why she’s asking you? You’re married to me. I put Sonny in that bed—”
“Sonny put himself in that bed,” Nadine said softly, and Johnny grimaced, sat on the bed. “We’ve talked about this. He shot first, Johnny. What if the bullet had hit me? It could have. It could have hit you. What were you supposed to do?”
Johnny shook his head, looking away. She didn’t get it, and he didn’t want her to understand what it was like to carry this kind of weight. “I never wanted to be in my father’s world,” he found himself saying. “I ran as far as I could for as long as I could. I don’t know how Jason can do this. How he can go home to Elizabeth and those boys, knowing what he does.”
“That’s a question for them to answer, not us, Johnny. You’re not in your father’s world, right now, are you? You’re here. With me.” She folded her arms, leaning against the door frame. “Maybe Jason’s involved with all of this the same way you are. Choices he made when he was young. And now he can’t get out. But you can.”
“As long as my father is Anthony Zacchara, I’m always going to be in it.” Johnny looked at her. “That’s why Elizabeth is asking you. Jason’s making it clear he doesn’t hold me responsible. Everyone knows it was me. They can’t prove it, but they know.”
“He wants peace, Johnny. I talked to him, you know, the day you were arrested. I was—” She shook her head. “Freaking out, I guess, and I went to see him.”
Johnny looked at her, drew his brows together. “You never told me that.”
“I didn’t want you to know I was having doubts. But I didn’t after I talked to Jason. Because I saw why he was helping us. Jason could have gone after you or your father for what happened to Sonny. That’s what your dad would have done, isn’t it?”
That’s what his sister had done, Johnny thought darkly, but if he never said it out loud, it never had to be true. “Yeah. And Dad doesn’t play fair.”
“Exactly. Jason’s going out of his way to make sure your father can’t complain. Any violence that happens won’t start with him. Maybe I don’t like the world he lives in, but I can appreciate that he’s the only person trying to do the right thing. He knows it was self-defense, Johnny. So if the reason Elizabeth asked me to do this transfer is to send another signal to men like your father that you and I aren’t to blame for any of this—then I can live with that. Can you?”
Morgan Penthouse: Kitchen
Elizabeth still held the phone when she joined Jason in the kitchen that morning. “Hey. Cam get off to school all right?” she asked, sliding an arm around his waist and leaning up to kiss him. “You shouldn’t have turned off my alarm.”
Jason kept her close when she might have pulled her away, framing her jaw with one hand and kissing her again. “You had the night shift the last few days,” he murmured, his thumb brushing her bottom lip. “I was back before you even noticed I’d left.”
“Mmm, I definitely didn’t miss the overnights.” Elizabeth set the phone on the counter, accepted the hot chocolate he handed to her. “Epiphany says that I should start pulling rank, but I don’t know that I really have seniority yet. I mean technically, yeah, because we’ve had so much turnover in the last year.” She sat at the table. “But I still feel like the new kid. I talked to Nadine. She’s going to handle the transfer.”
Jason didn’t say anything for a moment, just poured the last of the coffee into his mug and switched off the pot. “Thank you. For arranging that.” He joined her at the table. “I just…there’s not that many people I trust to be on his case. With everything that’s happened at the hospital—”
“I know.” Elizabeth reached out, stroked his arm. “And I wanted to be with you. Even if it’s just to stand there.”
Jason’s smile was faint, devoid of warmth. “I don’t even know if I can stand there,” he admitted. “I never…I’ve never been to see him.”
She tipped her head. “Do you think that means you didn’t love him? I know what Sonny meant to you—”
“Meant,” Jason repeated. He leaned forward, his elbows on the table, his head bowed slightly. “The last year or so. Maybe longer,” he admitted, “I’ve…started to resent him. As much as I loved him,” he continued. He looked at her. “I used to respect him for letting me make my own choices. You know, I thought that was what made him different than the Quartermaines. Sonny knew I had the right to make my own choices, and they didn’t. But I didn’t…they were right. I didn’t understand what I was throwing away.”
Elizabeth bit her lip. “Jason—”
“He told me. I guess he did. He told me that once I was in, getting out would be almost impossible. But it wasn’t.” He looked at her. “I got out once. You remember, don’t you?”
“I do. You came to the boxcar to tell Lucky.”
“I would have stayed out, but Sonny came back. And he wanted that power again. I didn’t…things were falling apart with Michael. Robin was gone—” Jason just sighed. “And I said okay. Let’s go. Because I didn’t have anything else. I didn’t understand, even after having Michael, that I was making this choice forever. Sonny—he didn’t have to come back here. There was nothing but bad memories. But he came back to Port Charles, and he asked me to help him get back what I’d given away. I felt guilty.”
“That was a long time ago, Jason—”
“I don’t want Jake or Cameron to grow up thinking that this is a good life,” Jason said tightly, and her hand fell away. “Michael was starting to think that, you know? I could see it—he took Sonny’s gun, and he shot Kate. You keep apologizing for keeping Jake away from me, but you don’t understand that I had to agree. And I did. Because I never want my sons to grow up to think I’m a good man. That this life is something they should want.” He looked at her then, tears in his eyes. “Promise me. That we won’t do what Sonny and Carly did. To let them think that anything about this life is worth having.”
“I promise,” Elizabeth said softly. “Jason—”
“I don’t know if I could go see him. I don’t know if I can sit in a room with him and not be angry at everything he’s done. I don’t know if I can be sorry he’s gone. He wouldn’t have stayed out, you know that, don’t you? He would have tried to take the business back, to force me out—and I would have told him no this time. I would have refused. So maybe I shouldn’t go today.”
She was quiet for a long moment. She’d wanted him to open up about Sonny for weeks, but she’d stopped pushing, hoping he’d be able to when the time was right. She’d had no idea that Jason was wrestling with these kinds of regrets and resentment.
“You asked me a few months ago what about what you do makes me love you.” He lifted his eyes to hers, frowned. “When we were arguing at the coffeehouse, and I hid while you threatened one of those Russian guys. Do you remember that? You were angry with me because I wasn’t taking no for an answer this time.”
“I—yeah. I remember.”
“I knew the second you asked that question that you’d been wanting to ask that all along. Every time we had this argument, I could see you asking yourself why I’d put up with any of this. And believe me, Jason, I’ve asked myself that question so many times. I had my chances to walk away. Bombs in my studio, men stopping me on the docks to ask questions about you or Sonny, lying to cops, being shot at, kidnapped three times — All of that, and I’m still here. The world you live in isn’t a good one, and it’s not one I’d want for the boys. And yes, I know you’re capable of violence. I’ve known that since that first night in Jake’s. I’ve known that since you put Sorel on his knees and kept him there with just one hand because he spoke to me—”
She saw him wince at that memory. “I didn’t plan to fall in love with you, Jason. It just happened. And Sonny? I don’t think he planned to trap you in this life. You said he tried to talk you out of it. But you wanted to make your own choices. Your own mistakes. You’ve made them. Sonny wasn’t always a good man, but he was your friend. He was your family. And it’s okay to be angry with him for all the things he did wrong. But it’s okay to love him, too. It’s okay for me to love you.”
“Why? Because you say so?” But the question was almost wry, the corner of his mouth lifting.
“Sonny was a complicated man who could be extraordinarily kind and compassionate. Selfish and cruel. He believed in you, Jason, when a lot of people didn’t. You told me once that everything you’d learned—everything that made you who you were came from Robin and Sonny. Do you have to throw away all the good he gave you because of the bad?”
“No,” Jason said slowly. “No, I guess not. But—”
“We’ll go to the hospital today, and we’ll say goodbye to that man. The man who held me on what I thought was the worst day of my life. The man that I held on the worst day of his—the day he and Carly lost that first baby. The man who offered you money for a ride home and didn’t believe you were as damaged as the rest of the world said. I’ll miss that man. Won’t you?”
Jacks Home: Foyer
“I really wish you’d change your mind about the hospital.” Bobbie slid her hair from beneath the collar of her jacket and turned back to Carly. “I’d be so much more help with you today—”
“It’ll be enough to think of you in Manhattan, visiting with Michael.” Carly glanced through her purse, making sure to have transferred things from her smaller bag. “Jason will be there today, and that’s all I need.”
“You finally got him to agree to come? I wasn’t sure he would.”
“Neither was I.” Carly removed her coat from the hanger, closed the closet door. “He and I don’t talk about Sonny much. Just that one conversation to talk about Silver Water. Otherwise…it’s a nonstarter. He’s holding it inside, just like he always does.”
“Maybe. It’s hard, I think, for the both of you,” Bobbie said. She rubbed her daughter’s arm. “I know it makes sense to lean on each other during a time like this, but it’s also perfectly ordinary that Jason might be leaning more on Elizabeth. Just as you’ve leaned on me.”
Irritation rippled through Carly. “I don’t know why. I’m the one who knew Sonny, not her. I don’t understand what she’s got that I don’t—”
“Carly.”
She fought the urge to hunch her shoulders and look away at the look of disappointment in her mother’s eyes. “What?”
“All things considered, with all the loss he’s suffered, Jason is happier now than I’ve seen him in years. Tell me you can see that, Carly. No matter how much you dislike Elizabeth, you can’t deny—”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. She’s making him so happy I could puke,” Carly muttered. She buttoned her coat. “Just because he deserves to be happy, that doesn’t mean I have to be thrilled he chose another mealy mouthed girl with a hero complex—”
Bobbie grimaced. “Maybe I should go to the hospital after all. I’m sure you’ll run into Elizabeth, and the mood you’re in, you won’t be able to help yourself.”
“No. No. I can do this. I’ve been good for the last month. Since Jason threw me out of the hospital room. I can play nice to her face.” Carly tossed back her hair. “But that’s why I have you to vent to in private. You’re my mother, it’s your job to love me no matter how insufferable I’m being.”
“Don’t I know it.”
“Ha,” Carly muttered darkly. She yanked open the door. “I’ll see you when we get to Manhattan.” She paused at the threshold, took a long, shaky breath. “I don’t want to do this.
“I know.” Bobbie hugged her daughter firmly. “We’ll be okay, baby. We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.”
Crimson: Kate’s Office
Kate hesitated at the threshold of her office, a file in one hand and her purse in the other. Her lips pressed together in an unhappy line as she turned deliberately away from Jax waiting in the receptionist area. “You’ve rescheduled all my necessary appointments for the next few hours?”
Maxie sprang up from her desk. “Yes. Mina is going to take the conference call with New York. Everything is all set. Um—” She slid a side glance at the man waiting. “I guess I don’t have to tell you that you have a visitor.”
“No, you don’t. That’ll be all, Maxie. You can take your lunch.”
“All right.” Maxie gathered her things and hurried out of the room.
Kate set her purse and the file on Maxie’s recently vacated desk. “I thought I had made myself entirely clear, Jax. There’s no need for you to come by looking for forgiveness—”
“That’s not what I wanted.” Jax came forward, tugging at his tie. “Carly won’t speak to me. Not even to talk about divorce. I’m just trying to find a way to make this right.”
Kate tipped her head, arched a slim brow. “I’m surprised you still think that’s possible at this point. Especially today. Did you know Carly was able to arrange for Sonny to be down the hall from Michael? Won’t that make the visitation easier?”
Jax closed his eyes, pain flickering across his face, and Kate felt just the hint of regret at the nasty jab. “I deserve that.”
“Yes, you do. I suppose I can understand how the petty side of your nature won during those few days. The power to deny Sonny something he wanted after all he’d done to you. I understand why you did it, Jax. That’s never been the problem.”
“Kate—”
“It wasn’t enough for you to block him from my room just a few times. You not only refused him to stay by my side, you refused to even let Maxie keep him updated.”
Jax looked away, and she nodded. “That’s right. You and Sonny were so alike. Using someone else as the weapon. Brenda, Carly. Michael. Me. And even Maxie. You’ve won, Jax. He’s finally gone. Everyone you know and love is finally safe from Sonny’s dangerous life. I hope that brings you some solace as you face the end of your marriage and the end of our friendship. There’s nothing you can do to make it right, Jax. Sonny is gone. The life I would have had died that day on the pier.”
“If it hadn’t been that day, it would have been another,” Jax bit out. “You and Carly act as if I’m the one that pulled trigger.”
“No, you weren’t. But you sure didn’t mind loading the gun.” Kate lifted her purse. “I have somewhere to be. Don’t be here when I return.”
General Hospital: Waiting Room
The elevator doors slid open, and Jason hesitantly stepped out, Elizabeth trailing behind him, her hand firmly tucked in his, stopping short when he saw Kate sitting in the waiting room, thumbing through a magazine.
Carly was pacing a few feet away, nibbling at the nail on her thumb. She looked over, saw them, and her expression eased. “You—you came.”
“I told you I would.” Jason looked at Kate — the first time he’d seen her since that terrible day in the church. He remembered now, watching her walk down the aisle in her wedding white, the crimson stain of blood spreading across her dress. “I didn’t—”
“Carly asked if I wanted to be here.” Kate set the magazine aside, rose to her feet. “I—I’m so sorry, Jason. For all of this.”
“Patrick said we could…I don’t know, I thought maybe we could—if you wanted time with him.” Carly looked at Kate. “To say—whatever you want to say.”
Jason cleared his throat, looking back at Elizabeth. “I don’t—”
“I’ll go first,” Kate volunteered. “I—I want to get this over—” She grimaced, closed her eyes. “That’s not what I meant—”
“It’s okay,” Jason interrupted. “We know what you mean.”
Kate smiled gratefully, then twisted the diamond ring on her finger. Her engagement ring. “I…I suppose I should get to it then. We’re on a schedule.”
She disappeared down the hall, and Carly finally sat down, perching on the edge of the chair, tapping her fingers against her thighs. “Thank you. For looking after Morgan tonight.”
“It’s the least we could do after all the help you gave us when I was hurt,” Elizabeth spoke up, and Carly looked at her, smiled thinly. “And Cam’s looking forward to it.”
“Good. Good. I just—” She closed her eyes. “I hate this. All of it.” She dragged her hands through her hair. “Barely a year since we did this. How do I have to do it again? How is this fair?”
“It’s not.” Elizabeth released Jason’s hand and went to sit next to Carly. “It’s cruel, and it shouldn’t be happening. I’m sorry, Carly.”
“Don’t be nice to me. It’s confusing,” Carly muttered. She folded her arms, looked down the hall where Kate had disappeared. “How can this be real?”
He wanted to run, to head for the emergency stairwell and flee the hospital, but if Carly could handle it, Jason was going to have to figure it out.
But like Kate, he just wanted all of this over with so he could go home and see his family, to remember the pieces of good he had in life, even if he didn’t deserve it.
Elm Street Pier
Any time now, Sonny would be wheeled out of the hospital into a transport van destined for the long-term hospital where he’d be put in a room and largely forgotten.
But would Johnny ever be able to forget the out-of-control mobster who’d blamed Johnny for all that had gone wrong in his life?
They’d washed away the blood from that day, Johnny thought, staring down at the weathered wood of the pier. It was like it had never happened. But every inch of Johnny’s life had been irrevocably changed by it.
“Reminiscing?”
Johnny jerked his head up, saw a man sauntering towards him, a smile etched smugly across his patrician features. “Who are you?”
“Who I am is of no matter. It’s what I know—what I can do that you ought to concern yourself with,” the man said, his words clipped and short in a posh British accent. “Your lovely wife has a reputation for championing children. A pediatric nurse, isn’t she?”
Johnny fisted his hands at his side. “Stay away from her—”
“I suppose she thinks she’s protecting a poor hapless victim by not telling everyone what happened here that day.” The man tipped his head. “But would she keep protecting a child killer?”
Blood roared in Johnny’s ears, the world falling away. This was the man who had threatened his sister. Who was threatening his wife. “I didn’t—I wouldn’t—”
“Ah, but you’re the one protecting the child killer. Not that little Michael Corinthos is actually dead, though I hardly think that matters to his mother and family. You don’t think the lovely nurse Nadine would be a bit conflicted protecting you, knowing the secret you’re keeping? How long would you stay out of jail then? And what would happen to your sister if the world knew?”
Johnny shook his head, started past him towards the stairs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about—”
“Ah, I see you don’t take me seriously. Perhaps a demonstration of my power is in order—”
“You can’t touch me, and you can’t touch my wife. It would be suicide—”
The man smiled. “I’ve always liked living on the edge. Your sister asked you for a favor. I think you ought to grant it.”
“Don’t—”
“Then again, you could keep refusing. After all, someone would have to be crazy to go after Johnny Zacchara or his wife. That, of course, leaves the rest of the world wide open. Would you like to take the risk, or will you do my bidding?”
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