I can’t escape myself
(I can’t escape myself)
So many times I’ve lied
(So many times I’ve lied)
But there’s still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
– Animal I Have Become, Three Days Grace

---

Friday, September 26, 2008

Crimson Pointe: Living Room

“Johnny?”

The name echoed as Anthony Zacchara rolled himself from the hallway into the living room, his eyes scanning the area. “Where the hell is that boy?” he muttered, rolling towards the back of the room and the door that led to his study.

Seated behind the desk, Trevor Lansing’s salt and pepper head was bent over something, a pen in his head. Anthony rolled to the entrance, his mouth pinched. Bastard sitting at his desk like it was Trevor’s—as if the power Anthony commanded belonged to him. Since Anthony had fallen ill a few years earlier, the once trusted counselor had been nothing more than a vulture scavenging the remains of the Zacchara empire.

“Where’s Johnny?” he bit out. Trevor lifted his head, squinted. “My son,” Anthony added as if it required clarification. “You have one job—”

“I have many jobs, Anthony.” Trevor set down the pen, focused on him. “The primary of which is to keep you out of jail. If you want someone to chase after your worthless kid—” he lifted his brows when his own son edged around Anthony’s wheelchair and entered the room. “Why not tell my useless son to do it?”

“Always a pleasure, Dad,” Ric Lansing murmured, flipping through a stack of mail. “If you’re looking for Johnny, he left for Port Charles yesterday with a bag. He’s staying until Sunday. Maybe Monday. The wedding,” he added when Anthony just scowled. “Easier to stick close if Lulu needs him and not be two hours away.”

“He shoulda thought of that before he took up with that LooLoo,” Anthony retorted, resting his elbows on the arms of the chair. “He didn’t say nothing to me—”

“Because you’d turn it into a situation. He’s an adult, Anthony. As much as you hate it, he’s over eighteen. At least he’s closer than he was when he went to graduate school,” Ric pointed out. “What’s the difference between Port Charles and Oxford?”

“Anthony was a little bit more of sound mind during that period. Less paranoid,” Trevor said with a smirk, and Anthony shot him a dark look. “Just stating facts. As long as we had one of our guys on him, you didn’t care where he went. It’s only since your more recent illness that you’ve needed to have your own eyes on him.”

“Can’t trust any of you vipers. You’re just waiting for me to die, the harlot my useless first wife abandoned is probably plotting it as we speak, and—” Anthony squinted at Ric. “I don’t know. You probably don’t care who’s in charge as long as you get to be part of the inner circle.”

“Bullseye.” Ric tossed the stack on the desk. “I’ll call Alexis and ask her to keep an eye out. Kristina is the flower girl, so she’s taking both girls. I doubt that’s enough for you, but—”

“Wasn’t your ex trying to keep her kids away from Sonny after the oldest got a bullet in the brain?” Trevor asked. “If you’re lying—”

“Alexis wasn’t successful in family court,” Ric said dryly. “It’s Sonny’s week. Any other custodial issues you want updated, Dad, or—”

“So it’ll be a full house. All members of the family.” Anthony considered this. “Johnny with the lunatic, Sonny and his kids. How many ex-wives?”

“Just the one. He hasn’t been married nearly as many times as you’d think.”

“That’s right. The first one went—” Anthony spread his hands out. “Kablooey!”

“When’s the last time anyone ever heard from Domenica?” Trevor wanted to know. “I always wondered what happened to her. You sure she’s not in the same place as Johnny’s mother?”

Anthony exhaled slowly, sent Trevor another cold look. “You got a lot of attitude for a man I could kill in his sleep with just one word. You wanna say something else smart?”

Trevor just smirked, then rose to his feet. “Go ahead, Anthony. Do your worst. Otherwise, let me do my job and give the babysitting gigs to my son. I have a meeting.”

“One of these days,” Anthony murmured, his eyes following the man out of the room. “One of these days, he’s going to go too far.” He focused on Ric, leaning against the desk. “That bother you?”

“Should it? Does my lack of loyalty to my father bother you?” Ric wanted to know.

“No. It makes me curious. You even able to be loyal to anyone else but yourself?”

“My daughter. That’s about it.” Ric paused. “I have concerns for other people. But loyalty is too often blind and ignorant. I have no interest in that. You need me, and for now, it serves my interest to toe the line and be useful to you. If that changes, you’ll be the first to know. Probably.”

Anthony wanted to argue with that answer, but honesty was a value all its own. “Fair enough. If I tell you to go fetch my boy, what do you say to that?”

“I say—” Ric straightened. “You should give him a little rope. He wouldn’t fight so hard if you gave a little. It’s a few days in Port Charles. The odds are that Lulu Spencer will be in treatment for six months, maybe a year. I heard through some old sources at the DA’s office that her brother is offering to relocate her as part of a deal. Maybe this all comes to a natural end. But you keep your fist around his neck, and he’s going to keep fighting to breathe. Leave him alone. That’s what I say.”

“Now where’s the fun in that?” Anthony wanted to know, then smiled. “But maybe you’re right. Maybe I let Johnny off the hook this weekend. Might be entertaining.”

Crimson Offices: Fitting Room

Kate Howard sighed, then turned to the side so that the full profile of her gown was visible in the three-sided mirror. “I think it needs to be taken in a bit—”

“I think you look amazing,” Maxie Jones gushed. She gave the seamstress a meaningful look and the woman stepped back. “The dress fits you like a glove.”

Kate sighed, smoothed her hands down the skirt. “Perhaps. But—”

“I talked to the coordinator at the church,” Maxie interrupted, holding out her hand so that Kate could step down. “Everything is exactly as you asked, and Sonny is going to talk to Jason about the security changes you wanted to make.”

Kate had the feeling she was being managed but allowed it. Even if she wanted the dress taken in another few centimeters, there wouldn’t be enough time before tomorrow. She stepped behind a partition and Maxie efficiently unbuttoned the dress, then returned it to the garment bag.

“What about—”

“I’m dropping off the tuxedos to Spinelli and Jason tomorrow,” Maxie interjected, “and Max is picking up Sonny’s today. I’ll be stopping by Greystone on my way to your house to be sure it looks exactly right. Kristina’s dress is perfect. Alexis has that in hand as well.”

Kate wrapped the edges of her robe around her slim body, then arched a perfectly plucked brow at her assistant. “Have you thought of everything?”

“Very nearly. I have three dresses for Lulu, all of which have been tailored to her exact size—I used the measurements from the Bennington party in June, and double checked them when I visited earlier this week. I wanted—” Maxie hesitated, some of her coolness fading. “I wanted her to be able to pick. Like I did. I hope that’s okay.”

“It’s more than okay. She’ll be all right,” Kate assured Maxie. “You’ll be fighting for my attention again by Christmas.”

“I hope so.” Maxie chewed her bottom lip. “It seems unfair,” she said. “That she’s going through this when she just tried to help me. I should have made her go to the police. I should have—” She cleared her throat. “Anyway. Like I said, everything is ready at the church. The clothing arrangements are on point, and the stylist has been confirmed for the morning. I can’t think of anything I’ve missed.”

“Neither can I. And believe me,” Kate said, dryly, “you would know if there was.”

After she’d changed back into her work clothes, she returned to her office, smiling hesitantly when she found Jax waiting for her. “This is a surprise.”

The tall, blond Australian rose from the chair, turning his sober blue eyes on her. “I wanted to talk about a new investor for the magazine if you could take time in your busy schedule,” he said, almost a little caustically.

Some of Kate’s good mood faded, and she sighed. She went behind her desk. “You’re still angry with me.”

“Frustrated. Annoyed. Confused. We both learned something devastating last week, and it feels like I’m the only one who’s angry about it. How can you be marrying that man tomorrow?” Jax demanded.

“Because,” Kate said, a bit delicately, “I am not you, and Sonny is not Carly. I chose to listen to Sonny, to believe in his remorse, and accept his apology. To look towards the future. I can understand why you haven’t. But that choice does not make me less.”

Jax exhaled slowly, then sat back down, some of his ire fading. “It’s not supposed to be this way,” he muttered. “Carly—she’d be due in a month. Did you know that?”

“The miscarriage from the warehouse last winter.” Kate sat in the chair next to him. “I imagine that’s weighing on you both. I’m sorry. That loss, with what happened to Michael, it must be soul-crushing. But are you really angry at me?” she asked.

“I’m angry at Sonny,” Jax retorted, straightening. “Carly was almost away from him. You know that? The last few years, we had our life. Separate. We were building something that was just ours. Michael and Morgan—they were mine, too.” He wiped his hand over his mouth. “And he dragged us all back into his world. Michael finding that gun, running away—Carly losing the baby when she went looking, then Michael being shot by a bullet meant for Sonny—and if that wasn’t enough—if he hadn’t taken enough from me, he slept with my wife.”

“Carly isn’t exactly innocent—”

“And that’s why I’m not at home right now. That’s why I left. Because I can’t look at her. I can’t breathe and then I come here, and—” Jax shook his head. “Sonny gets exactly what he wants. He walks away from the business, dumping it on Jason, and gets to keep both his children. Gets to have the girl. And the rest of us? What do we get?”

Kate just looked at him, her heart aching. “I’m sorry. I can’t cancel the wedding because you think Sonny doesn’t deserve this. I can’t make myself miserable because it would feel like justice to you. Maybe I’m a fool for believing in him, for thinking we can be happy, but it’s the choice I’ve made. I love Sonny. If you love Carly, you’ll do what I’ve done and find a way to get past this.”

“It’s not that simple.” Jax tossed the folder he’d held in his hand on the desk. “Take a look at the paperwork when you get a chance. I’ll see you after the honeymoon.”

“Jax, wait—”

But by the time Kate had risen and made it to the door, he was already gone.

Kelly’s: Dining Room

Elizabeth cut Jake’s grilled cheese into smaller pieces that the toddler could eat, then did the same for Cameron’s burger, though he only needed it to be cut in half.  A shadow fell over their table, and Elizabeth smiled. “Hey, Bobbie.”

“Hello, sweetheart.” Bobbie took the fourth empty chair and grinned at the boys. “And look at my Webber boys. Growing like weeds. How old are you now, Cameron? Twelve?”

“I this many. Miss Michael say so.” Cameron held up hand, his fingers spread out and his thumb tucked in. “One, two, free, four. Four. Jake is one. Not as many fingers. I have more.”

“So big, the both of you!” She turned her attention back to Elizabeth. “Feels like just yesterday you came home from California with him,” Bobbie said, setting her purse on the table. “How are you?” she asked. “How’s work?”

“Busy. I haven’t seen you a lot since…” she made a face. “Since the nursing program was shut down last winter.” It had been the first cut when the new board of directors had taken over, and Bobbie had been without a job at General Hospital for the first time in thirty years. She’d opted for early retirement rather than finding somewhere else to work. “We miss you.”

“I miss all of you, too. And the hospital. But I’m spending more time with—” Her face tightened. “With Morgan,” she said softly. “And I spent most of the summer in Seattle with Lucas. So I’m keeping busy.” She tipped her head. “But I hear you’re on your way out of Port Charles. A trip?”

Elizabeth adjusted Cameron’s straw. “That’s right,” she said. “Ten days all by myself. Lucky say something?”

“No, no. I don’t see him as much as I should, though I’ve been at Shadybrooke with Lulu. Checking in with Laura. I suppose he’ll have the boys?”

“That’s the plan—” Elizabeth frowned, then sighed. “Carly. She said something, didn’t she?”

“Was she not supposed to?” Bobbie asked, tipping her head. “Does it bother you that I know?”

Elizabeth looked around them, but there was no one at the next table and she didn’t recognize any of the other diners. “No, it doesn’t bother me, but I’m sure Jason won’t appreciate Carly telling anyone. Even if it is you. It’s not supposed to be common knowledge.”

“Well, I don’t think it is, but I also—” Bobbie folded her arms on the table, leaned in. “I also don’t think most people would be surprised. I certainly wasn’t. I sort of—” She looked at Jake who grinned at her. “I think I knew the first time I saw him.”

“Which means if Monica or Edward get good look at him, we’re screwed, right?” Elizabeth said, leaning back. “I think sometimes Jason doesn’t realize it’s not much of a secret. Lucky knows. Sam knows. Carly and Sonny. You. Gram will probably figure it out eventually, and Jake—he looks so much like him,” she murmured. “From the eyes to the smile — and sometimes he holds his head the same way. And that’s when they don’t even spend a lot of time together.”

“Some things are just genetic, I suppose. So…they do spend time together?” Bobbie asked. “Does Jake know—I mean—”

“No. He just knows him as Jason. Which I hate. I started it,” she told Bobbie. “I started it for a lot of stupid reasons, and then we kept it going because we were worried about Jason’s job. And of course…after Michael…”

“Of course.” Bobbie took a deep breath, pressed a fist against her heart. “Of course. Well, you have to do what’s right for you.” She looked at Elizabeth. “Is this right for you? Keeping it all a secret?”

“No. No, it wasn’t right for me from the start. But I didn’t have the courage to say so, and now—now I can’t. Jason—” Elizabeth picked up the remains of straw wrapper. “He’s just lost so many people—and he blames himself for all of them. Alan? He tells himself that happened because of Lorenzo Alcazar, so even though it had nothing to do with him or Sonny personally, that’s on him. And what Diego Alcazar did in revenge—” Her throat tightened. “Losing Emily six months after he never really got over losing his father—and then as if he needed one more hit, the world took the little boy he still thinks of as his son. I’m sorry—I know that’s your loss, too. And I hate it. I hate all of it.”

Bobbie brushed at her tears, accepted the tissue Elizabeth handed her. “I know, honey, you don’t have to apologize. Michael belonged to us all. And I know he’s not dead, but he’ll never be alive again in any meaningful way.”

“You sad, Mommy?” Cameron’s face scrunched up. “I eat my veggies. That make you happy.” He shoved some carrots at Jake. “You eat too. Make Mommy happy.”

Jake seemed suspicious, but picked up one with his index finger, put it in his mouth, then made a face. “Ugh. Bad.”

Bobbie laughed, and Elizabeth pressed her hands to her face, drying her own tears. “Yes, that makes me very happy. How lucky am I to have such amazing sons?”

Cameron beamed, looked at Bobbie. “Mommy okay. You okay?”

“Yes, sweetheart, I’m okay.” Bobbie looked at Elizabeth. “I suppose I should be more torn on the subject since Lucky is my nephew. But I think we both know he hasn’t really been the father we thought he would. When I realized Jake wasn’t his, well, it answered a few questions for me. Spencer men—they talk a good game. But they don’t live up to their promises well, do they?”

“No, they really don’t. But—” Elizabeth sighed. “I was scared, too, after we lost Emily and Georgie. Then Michael—I thought Jason was right. But I also want my boys to have the best life I can give them. Jason’s so wonderful with them, and they adore him. I don’t know if Jason’s going to be able to stay away forever. So now that I know what I want, what I need, I can live with giving him more time to see it, too. This trip was his idea, Bobbie. I know he wants a life with us. I’m sorry if that upset Carly enough to tell you—”

“Carly is Carly and will make anything a problem. I’ve always loved you, you know. And your boys—maybe I haven’t been good at showing that either,” Bobbie said, squeezing Elizabeth’s hand. “But I’m glad to see you happy. After the year you’ve had, you deserve it.”

“I hope you—and Carly—I hope you get to have it, too. I mean that. Carly’s lost a lot this year. I’m glad you’re home and you’ll be here for her.”

“And she’ll be a little less in Jason’s face,” Bobbie added, and Elizabeth grinned.

“Silver lining.”

Coffee House: Office

Jason caught sight of something soft and blue sticking out beneath the sofa. He crouched down and found a stuffed bear. Jake had been playing with it, he thought, thinking of his son playing in his office. Of this evidence that he’d been able to see Jake today, to share time with him.

Jason sat on the sofa, the bear in his hands, his fingers smoothing out the soft fur. Elizabeth had reluctantly left a little while ago. They needed dinner, she’d told him, almost apologetically, and he’d had a few meetings scheduled. He didn’t want any of them still here when someone else could show up and see them. He’d helped her clean up the toys, then had carried Jake out to the car, belted him in.

He’d be going home to a — well, not an empty penthouse, but one only inhabited by a computer hacker who mostly lived on barbecue chips and orange soda. There’d be no kids laughing or chasing each other. No messy dinners or quiet bedtimes. Or having Elizabeth in his bed tonight.

But maybe, just maybe, if everything went the way Jason planned over the next few months, if he got away with it, maybe that could change.

There was a knock at the door, and Jason looked up. “Yeah?”

“Sonny’s here,” Cody said, but he’d barely managed to get the words out before Sonny strolled past him.

“What’s that?” Sonny asked, nodding at the toy in Jason’s hand. Jason went to the desk, slid the bear into the drawer next to the photo he kept of Elizabeth and the boys.

“Nothing. Security for tomorrow—”

“Looks like a toy. You have Morgan here earlier or something?”

“No.” Jason sighed. “No, Elizabeth came by with the boys to sign papers we needed for the trip. Jake left something behind. I need to get into the church about three hours before the ceremony—”

“Two hours is all Father Coates could guarantee,” Sonny said. He sat in the chair, relaxed. “And your guy talked to you about the door, right? He said he would.”

“Yeah, Cody told me. We need to check the door, Sonny. Just to make sure people are on the invite list. That’s standard,” Jason said. “Kate’s a high profile person, too—”

“She and I talked about that, and we both feel like checking invitations at the door just reminds all her people who I used to be.” Sonny tipped his head. “Do a visual confirmation. You got the invitation list. You know the people from my side. Not a lot of people from Kate’s side are coming up. I don’t think it needs to be that tight.”

Jason just stared at him, then shook his head. “It’s standard,” he repeated. “We’ve always done that. I don’t understand why you’re refusing—”

“And I don’t know why you’re pushing this.” Now Sonny’s voice had a bit of an edge to it. “I told you. I’m out. That was the point of all of this, of you taking over. You didn’t like the way I was doing things. Now I let you take security on this so you and Carly would feel better—”

“The Zaccharas—”

“Aren’t worth my attention. Johnny’s an idiot. I obviously gave him too much credit — look at what he did to Lulu. And Anthony’s in a wheelchair. Claudia’s too busy sniffing after you.” Sonny sneered. “And you said you dealt with Karpov.”

“I did. He moved on to Rochester, and the last I heard he was bothering the Jankowskis down there. But—”

“But nothing. Look, I get it. You’re worried after everything has happened.” Now Sonny’s tone softened. “But that’s over. We got the guy who went after Michael. The Zaccharas are neutralized. Karpov is gone. I’m getting married tomorrow, and you’re leaving on a trip with the woman you love. We deserve this break, Jason. You take Elizabeth to Italy, and you show her a good time. Don’t worry about me and mine. I got it handled. Thanks for handling security, but what we’ve got now is fine. We don’t need more.” He got to his feet. “Elizabeth excited about leaving tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Yeah, she is.” Jason exhaled slowly. “I just feel like I’ve missed something.”

“You haven’t. We haven’t. So let’s just enjoy the moment while we have it. Tomorrow is going to go exactly the way we both planned.” Sonny headed for the door, turning back to grin at Jason. “I really think this marriage is going to be the right one. You know? Third wife is the charm and all that. Don’t worry about me. Focus on your family. That’s what you wanted to do, isn’t it?”

Sonny left before Jason could answer. He sighed, sat down and pulled open the drawer to find the bear and photo. He took them both out, traced the lines of Elizabeth’s smile, then the boys. “Yeah,” he said to the empty room. “That’s what I wanted.”

Sonny was right. Other than the guys at the door, Jason had everything else he needed for security. The ceremony would go off without a hitch, and he’d be out the door, heading for the airport.

And then he’d finally show Elizabeth the light in Italy.

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