This love is good
This love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me
This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free, and
This love came back to me
– This Love, Taylor Swift

---

Friday, October 3, 2008

Nadine’s Apartment: Living Room

Nadine dropped her keys on the counter as Johnny followed her in, closed the door behind her. “Well, that was, uh, an eventful day.” She stripped off her jacket and tossed it aside, finally turning to face him.

“Yeah. Never a dull moment.” Johnny cleared his throat. “I’m sorry—that you got dragged into this.”

“I dragged myself into it.” Nadine perched on the arm of her sofa. “At least that part is over. They don’t have any real evidence against you.”

“Not yet.” Johnny rested his hands on the back of the sofa, leaned forward. “But they didn’t have anything against me with Logan, and that didn’t seem to stop them—”

“That’s true.” She examined her thumb nail. “Um, so, maybe we need to talk about things. Now that you’re, uh, here in Port Charles. That we’re both here. And that people know.”

“Yeah, good news travels fast.” Johnny made a face. “You have some run-ins with well-wishers, too?”

“Just Leyla, a friend from work. Well, not much of a friend now, I guess. I guess—I mean, I knew people would look at me like this, I guess I just didn’t really understand how it would feel. People who know Lulu looking at me like I’m this terrible person,” Nadine said, shaking her head, looking towards the window. “And I can’t even pretend that I’ve got some moral high ground, that I married you because of that day on the pier. I mean, I did, but—”

“But it didn’t stop there.”

“No. It didn’t.” Nadine sighed. “From your question, I guess you didn’t get anyone congratulating you either, huh?”

“Maxie was angry.” Johnny paused. “Lu, you know, she’d understand the wedding part. She’d be irritated by it,” he added, “but her old man was in the business, and she grew up around Sonny. She’d deal with it. It’s just…”

“What came after is harder, I guess. How else do you explain jumping into bed less than a week after her breakdown?” Nadine bit at her thumb.

“If it weren’t for the whole marriage part of it,” Johnny said slowly, “I bet I could spin that, too. Lonely. Tired. Wanting to feel something.” He met her eyes, straightened. “She’d understand, too.”

“Very understanding girlfriend—” Nadine stopped. “I don’t want to be like this. To feel jealous about what Lulu might or might not understand. Especially when all of this is happening because she’s not here. Because she’s not well. And I hate myself for not thinking that part of it through. For just leaning into impulse. I should know better by now.”

“Yeah, acting on impulse hasn’t gotten me much success, either,” he admitted. “I’m sorry. You were right in Vegas. It was a mistake. We should have stopped it then.”

“Definitely.” Nadine stood up. “But look, it was just a few times, right? We’ll stop now. It was a crazy few days, but it’s over now. Things are settled down. The PCPD took their swing, and they struck out. Ric will tell your family that I took your side, and that you’re in the clear, so you’re okay there.”

“Guess it’s a good thing Scott saw me and got annoyed. You’re right. Things will go back to normal—I’ll, uh, move out here—” He gestured at the sofa. “And we’ll just be roommates.”

“Right.” Nadine smiled. “I’m glad we got that sorted out. I feel better.”

“Me, too. It’s smarter this way,” he added. “Keeps everything cleaner. It’s all complicated enough, no point in making it worse.”

“Right,” she repeated, wondering why they were going in circles on this. “This is a good idea. I’m glad you said it first, but I was going to.”

“You were?” Johnny looked at her, and she swallowed hard, because he was looking at her.

“You’re doing it again.”

“What?”

She huffed, walked away a few steps, then whirled around, jabbing a finger at him. “You know what you were doing, so don’t do it again—”

“I absolutely don’t know what I was doing except agreeing with you.” He smirked. “You don’t want me to agree with you?”

She narrowed her eyes. “That’s not what I mean, and you know it. So we’re not having this conversation anymore.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Nadine fidgeted, folded her arms. “Okay.”

“You said that already.” Johnny’s mouth twitched. “Do you always repeat yourself?”

“Do you always—” She pressed her lips together. “Never mind. We need to get along for however long this lasts, so let’s just—I’ll go find the takeout menus.”

“Nadine.”

She stopped, her hand on the drawer, turned to find him still standing by the drawer. “What?”

“I don’t know.” He cleared his throat. “I guess I just wanted to say your name. Because when this conversation is over, it’s over. And we’re not going to have it again. So maybe I just want to keep it going.”

Nadine frowned, her hand falling away from the drawer, stepping towards him. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you want the conversation to keep—” She stopped. “Johnny. We’re going to be smart about this, remember?”

“I do. It was my idea.”

“Okay, so it’s…done. Decided.” She licked her lips, and his eyes dropped. “Don’t do that—”

“Don’t do what?”

“You—we’re going in circles again, and you know what—I’m going to stop it. I’m going out.” Nadine snatched up her keys. “Because if we’re in the same apartment, we’re going to be stupid, and we decided we were done with that.”

“Yeah, I know but—” Johnny snagged her arm as she passed. “I’m trying to remember why again.” He drew her against him.

“Johnny—” Nadine bit her lip. “This is a really stupid idea.” She pressed her hands against his shoulders, intending to push him away, but instead her fingers curled into his shirt. “Never mind, we’ll be smart tomorrow.”

“Oh, thank God—” He yanked her against him and took her mouth.

Morgan Penthouse: Master Bedroom

Elizabeth was tired of not being able to move without pain, of being stuck in one place, and having to think before she even took a breath. She wanted to be the one who put her boys to bed, listening to Jake babble through his bedroom routine, or Cameron retell his day at preschool for the fifth time.

But she’d done too much again today, and had been ordered by her grandmother to rest — they’d compromised by letting her sit in an oversized armchair in the bedroom, while Audrey had brought each boy in for a few minutes to cuddle with her, only to be whisked away to their room.

Jason had gone out after dinner for a meeting, but she also wondered if he was avoiding her. Since their brief interaction in the kitchen earlier that afternoon, they hadn’t been alone for more than a few minutes—and she wondered if there was even a point in attempting another discussion tonight —

Jason wasn’t ready to talk about Sonny, or maybe he’d said all there was to say. They’d connected a little the night he’d brought her home from the hospital, but she’d caught him at the end of the day when he was probably exhausted from everything that had happened, from her medical emergency to Sonny’s shooting—

She shouldn’t have to wait until he was at the end of his rope before he talked to her, and it had always been this way.

The penthouse fell silent as one by one, its residents went to their rooms and went to sleep. Elizabeth remained in the chair, determined to wait up for Jason, to try just one more time today—

But even she couldn’t quite manage to keep her eyes open. Her head listed to the side, her eyes growing heavy—she fell into a light doze, jerked awake when she felt hands trying to lift her.

“I’m awake—I’m—” Elizabeth opened her eyes—the lights had been switched off, the lamp on the night table the only source of illumination. She caught Jason’s face in the shadows, and her hands, which had curled into fists, unfurled against his shoulders. “You’re back.”

“Yeah.” Jason knelt by the chair. “You should have gone to bed. It’s late.”

“I—” She stifled a yawn. “I wanted to wait for you.”

Jason sighed, dipped his head. “Why?”

“Why—” Elizabeth stared at him, a bit incredulously. “Why wouldn’t I? We’ve barely had a quiet moment together since all of this happened—oof—” Her words were cut off when Jason lifted her in his arms. “Hey. I was talking—”

“You can talk from the bed,” he said, almost in a grunt. He laid her gently against the pillows, sat at the foot of the bed to tug off her socks. “What do you want to wear to sleep—”

“Stop!” At her abrupt words, Jason let her foot drop, then looked at her. “Stop ignoring me and stop changing the subject and stop making it all about my health! I am fine! Just stop.”

She hadn’t meant to do that, hadn’t meant to blow up, and shame crawled up her spine when she saw Jason just standing there at the end of the bed, his arms at his side, looking at her with bewilderment. “I’m sorry. I just—it’s like you’re not listening to me, and you’re treating me like a child. Like I don’t know how to take care of myself. That I can’t figure out how much sleep or rest I need.”

Jason opened his mouth, then shook his head. “You’re pushing too hard—”

“You mean, I’m pushing you too hard,” Elizabeth bit out and he closed his mouth. “I didn’t even say a word about Sonny—and there you go. You just shut down again.”

“I didn’t do anything—”

“Your entire body just went into that stone routine that I hate and I don’t know how to make it stop.” Her eyes filled and she looked away. “All I did was wait up to see you, and you’re making me feel stupid for even bothering. What am I even doing here? What’s the point?”

He ran a hand through his hair. “If you want to go back to your place—”

Now the tears spilled down her cheeks. “It’s that easy, isn’t it? It’s so easy for you. I don’t understand that. I don’t understand how you’ve always been able to do that, since the day we met. It gets too hard, and you just walk away, and I have to run after you to get anywhere—”

Something close to anger flashed in his eyes, and she saw his hand tighten in a fist at his side. “You think any of this is easy?”

“We’re having a fight, and you’re ready to ship me back to my house instead of just listening—”

“You said you didn’t know why you were here—I thought you wanted to—”

“Well, don’t think, okay? Because if I want to leave, I’ll tell you.” Elizabeth shifted, then winced, biting down on her lip. “I just—I waited to see you. That’s all. And you weren’t even…” She looked away. “It’s like I’m existing here. A piece of furniture you have to move around and deal with. I’m sorry, should I strip naked so you’ll pay attention to me?” she demanded. Jason’s eyes widened, and she pressed a fist against her mouth, wishing she could claw the words back.

But she couldn’t, and they just hung between them for a long terrible beat of silence. She could almost hear the sound of her heart pounding.

“I didn’t mean that the way it came out,” Elizabeth said finally.

“But you said it, so you must think it.” Jason’s tone was almost dull, lifeless, and she knew he’d crawled inside himself again. He’d already started to shut down, and she’d slammed the door.

“I don’t.” Elizabeth grimaced. “Not entirely.”

“Not entirely,” he echoed. Jason nodded, dragged a hand down his face. “Okay. Okay. I’m just—I’m going to go.”

“Wait—” But he was already at the door and in the hallway before the word had formed on her lips, and she was alone.

General Hospital: Kate’s Room

It was nearly midnight, and while the hospital never quite went quiet, there were fewer shoes squeaking along the hallway floors and the lights were dimmed. Kate lay awake, unable to sleep, her mind cluttered with regrets, grief, and bewilderment.

A week ago, she had been fitted for her wedding dress. She’d sent out the invitations. She’d been blissfully planning her future as Sonny’s wife, a dream from her childhood that she’d tucked away in a box. It had gathered dust all these years until they’d met each other again, and she’d thought she’d finally get to live out her girlish fantasy.

And now it was all over.

She heard the scuff of a different set of shoes, and turned her head on the pillow, watching as Jax appeared in the doorway of her hospital room.

“Visiting hours are over,” she said, her voice hoarse, scarcely above a whisper.

“I have some friends in the right places,” he said. He came in, closed the door, and came forward stopping to pick up the water pitcher. He filled the plastic glass on her tray, then held it out.

Kate reluctantly accepted it, sipped. “I don’t want you here.”

“I know. I heard you earlier. And yesterday.” He rocked back on his heels, took a deep breath. “I went home—well, I went to my room at the hotel. I don’t really have a home right now.”

“You don’t expect me to feel sorry for you, do you? Your wife is available. You could go home tonight.”

“She doesn’t want to see me at the moment, either.” Jax took a long, unsteady breath. “I told myself that I was protecting you, that I was keeping you safe. I’d seen Sonny’s life do nothing but hurt people, year after year, and I was finally in a position to stop it.” He looked up, met Kate’s gaze. “But it was vindictive. It was spite. I wanted to see him miserable, and I had the power to see it done. It gave me pleasure, Kate, to keep him from you.”

Her mouth trembled, and she closed her eyes. “You did it to hurt him.”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t care what I’d want.”

“I—” Jax rubbed his chest. “I arrogantly assumed you’d wake up, realize you’d been a victim of Sonny’s life one too many times, and that you’d walk away. That’d you be glad—”

“Well, I’m not. God, you’d love that, wouldn’t you? You just so desperately need to believe that any woman who might love Sonny is just some silly twit who doesn’t know her own mind and can’t make choices. Can’t stand by them. Is that who Carly is?”

“No, no, it’s not.” Jax sighed. “He came here that day, Kate. Just before the shooting. Maybe an hour. He tried to see you.”

Kate’s eyes filled, her lips parted. “W-What?”

“He tried to see you, but you didn’t know yet we’d limited the visitors. So…the desk didn’t let him up. And then…”

“Then he went somewhere and got shot. That wouldn’t—he’d have been here. With me. It wouldn’t have happened.”

“I don’t—Carly told me that my actions—that it put Sonny on that pier—” Jax pressed his lips together, his voice faltered for a moment. “That what I did, what Olivia did—that we put Sonny on that pier, the way Carly’s choices put Michael in the warehouse. And I don’t give a damn about Sonny,” he bit out. “But you—I do care about you. And Morgan—” He looked away, his throat working as he swallowed hard. “I love that little boy, and he’s lost his brother. His father. Carly doesn’t even know that Sonny was here that day. Doesn’t know that we could have—”

“So, what, you’re here to apologize? Beg for forgiveness?”

“No.” His smile was quick, humorless. “For years, I’ve believed myself to be the better man. But when the time came to show it, I failed. As a husband, as a father, and as a friend. I wasn’t thinking of the people who loved Sonny. Who needed him. I knew he was upset, I knew he wasn’t handling any of this well, and I enjoyed telling him no. I learned something about myself with all of this, Kate, something I’m not proud of. I don’t like who I turned out to be.”

“That makes two of us. You can go now.”

Morgan Penthouse: Living Room

Jason made it down the stairs and to the front door before he stopped. He flattened both hands against the door, leaned his head against it. He could leave. He could climb on the bike, ignore all the speed limits, and just let it all disappear in the roar of the engine and wind—

But Elizabeth would still be upstairs, still waiting for him to stop running. Waiting for him to look at her, to listen to her.  He’d brought her here, plopped down in the center of his world, and he’d hoped it would be enough, but wasn’t. It would never be enough.

She’d tried over and over again to talk to him, to get him to open up, to look at her, and he’d shut her down at every turn. He wasn’t surprised she’d grown frustrated and lashed out, striking at him with harsh words. She hadn’t meant them, and he knew that—

But maybe there was a piece of her that wondered, that worried, that after this last year when most of their meetings had been at the safe house or a hotel room, and sex was all they’d really had time for—

Maybe she believed that there was nothing else she could give him. The fear that she still didn’t know, after all this time, how much he loved her, how much just looking at her helped to keep him grounded, gave him the strength to keep moving—

It was enough to make him stop running. He didn’t know what to say to her, but it wasn’t fair to keep avoiding it.

Jason stepped back, then went to the stairs. When he opened the door to the bedroom, he found Elizabeth by the dresser, one hand bracing against the wall, the other digging in a drawer. They stared at each other for a long moment, then he came fully into the room, closed the door.

“Can I help you find something?” he asked.

“I have it,” Elizabeth said, retrieving something blue from the drawer. “But, um, I can’t—I can’t get it on by myself. Could…could you help?”

“Yeah.” Jason wound her arm around his neck and helped her to sit on the bed. He helped her change from the T-shirt and leggings into a long, blue nightshirt. “I’m sorry,” he said, still kneeling in front of her, staring at a blue swirl on her shirt. He rested a hand on her bare knee, preparing to stand—

Instead, she stroked the top of his head, combing her fingers lightly through his hair. “I’m sorry, too. You know I didn’t mean what I said. Not—not the way it sounded. I just—I was so upset, and, well, it’s easier, sometimes, to pick a fight than it is to say I’m worried. You don’t like it when I worry about you.”

He liked it too much, he thought, closing his eyes, focusing on her touch. He leaned his cheek against her thigh, wishing he could just stay this way. Stay in this room. That everything outside of it would just…stop.

“I know you want me to tell you what I’m feeling, but I can’t.”

“I know.”

“You don’t.” Jason slowly lifted himself up, sat next to her, stared down at the carpet, at her toes curling into it. “Because I’m not feeling anything.”

“Jason.”

“I got the call that Sonny was shot and that it was bad, and I just—” He shook his head. “There’s nothing. I don’t feel anything.”

Elizabeth sighed. “Help me to sit back?”

“Yeah, okay.” He settled her back against the pillows, and went to change into a pair of sweatpants, thinking maybe he’d said enough for now, and she would let it go. He crawled into bed next to her.

“Come here.” Elizabeth held out her hand, and he frowned at her. “Come here.”

Jason slid towards her, and she put her arm around him, guiding him so that his head lay against her chest—the way he’d seen her hold Jake the other night. She stroked his hair, then his shoulders, her fingers dancing near his spine, and oddly, it felt right. Comforting.

“You’ve lost so many people, Jason.”

He tensed, but she kept stroking him. “I’m fine—” But there was a lick of something in the back of his throat. An itch. He swallowed, trying to get rid of it, but it was still there.

“I know you regret not having more time with Alan. And all the stress with Jake—that’s on me, I know. The trial. All of that couldn’t have helped. Then…Emily.”

He closed his eyes, but the tears were hot against the lids. His sister. His vibrant, precious little sister. “You lost her, too.”

“I know. But I didn’t lose my father, my sister, my son, and my brother in less than two years. You’ve been dealing with so much, and we kept asking for more. Me. Carly. Sonny. The world. It’s no wonder you can’t feel anything.”

“You can ask me for anything—”

“I know that. I’ve always known that. But I wish you knew you could ask me, too.”

Jason sighed, leaned up on one elbow, to find her looking at him somberly. “I—”

“I know that’s not always been true. I know it’s been hard to trust me—”

He wanted to argue with her, to say he’d always understood, but he couldn’t. She was right. He hadn’t always been able to turn to her. Hadn’t always been able to rely on her to stand by him.

“Since I woke up after the accident, and I realized you’d decided to change everything while I was unconscious, I’ve been bracing myself for you to take it back. To change your mind again, like you did in April. I don’t think I realized until tonight you’ve been doing the same. Not until you talked about me going back to the house, and I saw that you’d already accepted it.”

“I—” Jason cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”

“I know.” Elizabeth stroked the side of his face, and he leaned into her touch, kissing her fingers when they brushed his lips. “You’ve been waiting for Lucky to come back from California, change his mind, and me to let him. Because that’s what I always do. But I’m not going to do that this time. The boys, me, we’re yours, and we’re not going anywhere. When you know that I’m here, that I’m not going anywhere, you’ll be able to trust me the way you used to. I love you, and I’ll wait as long as it takes until you believe that.”

He closed his eyes and laid back down because she wasn’t going to push. Wasn’t going to ask questions. She understood, and he let that settle. Let himself settle. He could drift asleep just like this, with her fingertips dancing across his skin.

But then he spoke. He didn’t even know where it came from or that he was going to say the words, until they were already in the world.

“He’s not going to wake up.”

She said nothing, just continued running her fingers along his back. He continued. “The doctors are talking around it, not saying it’s permanent. They can’t say that yet, but they’re thinking it. They did another surgery, but it didn’t change anything. It’s…Michael. All over again. Michael won’t ever wake up. He’ll get older, but he’ll never grow up.” Pressure built behind his eyes.

“I’m so sorry.”

The tears spilling down his cheeks now, but he still had words to say. “The last thing I told him was to handle it himself. I didn’t have time for him. Robin had called me, and you were in trouble, and I stopped thinking about him. He tried to handle it himself, and it didn’t work. Now he won’t wake up.” He closed his eyes, exhaling a shaky breath. “I won’t get that moment back. He’s gone. Just like Michael.”

He said nothing else after that, and they laid there until sleep claimed them.

TO BE CONTINUED

---

Author’s Note

This may seem like an abrupt ending for a book, but, well, I never intended These Small Hours to be split into two, much less three, books. (That should be in my obituary, honestly: She never meant to write a series.) I planned it as a tightly focused story on Jason & Elizabeth with Johnny & Nadine providing a secondary romance.

But then I started to write.

I wrote about Carly’s spiral after Sonny’s loss, I wrote about Patrick’s struggle to live up to his job while preparing for fatherhood, and I found myself writing about Jax finding that victory over Sonny was a bitter one—I love these dumb characters. Even when they make my life difficult. I even love the ones I hate, finding myself expanding on Lucky & Sam in rewrites, and even more Maxie. I just love ensemble stories and the way one event can ripple out and change the world if you let it.

Anyway, that’s a really poetic way of saying that during my rewrites, I realized that this story was just too long to finish in one release. It expanded to seventy-two chapters – we’d be here until sometime this spring with me trying to slog through the draft with how long each step of the process takes me.

Breaking it into pieces gets you the story faster, and it keeps me fresher.

Book 1 (Undone) breaks the world into pieces. Book 2 begins the painful process of stitching it back together. Book 3 reveals the world changed.

I left Book 1 here because this is a chance for our characters to take a breath. Patrick sees some light at the end of the tunnel. Kate, Jax, Carly – they’re all at a crossroads. And Johnny and Nadine are just beginning to learn that they’re stronger together, even if they don’t understand why. Jason is finally facing the magnitude of what’s happened to him. Elizabeth found the words she worried would never come, and with it – a new sense of strength and confidence in what comes next.

As for what that is – you’ll just have to wait and see.

These Small Hours, Book 2: Shadows coming December 17, 2024

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