Tell my mother, tell my father
I’ve done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life
I hope they understand
I’m not angry, I’m just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
– Second Chance, Shinedown

---

Friday, October 31, 2008

Morgan Penthouse: Master Bedroom

Elizabeth dug through the closet, wondering how it seemed that half her wardrobe had ended up in the penthouse and how they were ever going to get everything back to the house.

Behind her, Jason had emerged from the bathroom, towel drying his hair. “Is your grandmother going with you today?”

“What? Oh. No. No. Jake still has a little bit of the sniffles, and I didn’t want him to go out,” she said. “I know we’re only going to go trick or treating here in the building tonight, but I don’t want him to get sicker.” She retrieved a sweater, then hesitated, running her fingers over the soft fabric.

“Are you okay?” Jason wanted to know when she didn’t continue.

“It’s—this sweater. I—I borrowed it from Emily. I never got a chance to give it back.” She looked at him. “It’s—I mean, it’s today.”

“Yeah. I know.”  His expression tightened and he went to his own dresser. She bit her lip. Of course he knew. Did she think he’d forget the anniversary of his sister’s murder?

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—I don’t know.” She sat on the bed, the sweater in her lap, running her fingers over it. “Do we acknowledge it? Do we go on like it never happened?”

Jason pulled a long-sleeved shirt over his head, then looked at her, a bit exasperated. “Why is that up to me? Why do we have to do anything? It happened. We both know it’s awful. We don’t have to talk about it.”

She bristled. “Maybe I want to talk about it, okay? What am I supposed to do? Nikolas and Lucky are both gone, so it’s not like I can call them. Or that I’d want to. No one else—never mind. Never mind. I’m sorry.” She crumbled the sweater up, stalked over the wastebasket in the corner, shoved it in.

Jason’s arms came around her, drawing her back against his chest. She felt his breath at her temple, and she let out a long shaky sigh. “I’m sorry,” he murmured into her hair. “I’m sorry.”

She brought her hands up to touch his arm, to pull it down so that she could turn and look at him. “I’m sorry, too. It’s just—you know, you go through every day and you think you’ve handled it, and you’ve moved on, and then you just get hit with it, and you remember all over again, and I’m sorry, because you lost her, too, and it’s just not right—”

“I know.” Jason kissed her temple, then leaned down to remove the sweater from the trash. “I miss her. All the time.”

“I look at the boys, and I just think—she never gets to be here with them. She loved them so much.” Elizabeth lifted her gaze to his. “She loved you so much, Jason. Even when you drove her crazy or disagreed with her. You were her rock. The one piece of her world that she could always rely on.” She laid her hand on his cheek. “Because you were an amazing brother who never let her down. I hope you know that. The only regret you should have about Em is that we didn’t get enough time with her. Because there will never be enough. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry if it hurts to talk about her.”

“That’s—that’s why we should,” Jason said finally, forcing the words out. He laid his hand over hers. “Because I want the boys to know her. I know she loved them. And she loved you. I’m so glad my sister had you. That you were her best friend.”

“She was the first person I told. About there being a possibility that Jake was yours. It’s why I had the courage to tell you so we could get the test.” Elizabeth closed her eyes. “I wish I’d confided in her after the test came back. I don’t know why I didn’t. She would have told me to tell you. I was so scared, so scared everything would come crashing down if you knew. If everyone knew. Lucky would relapse, and you’d have trouble with Sam, and be unhappy, and I’d be alone—I was such a coward. I kept it all inside because I knew if I told her, she’d tell me to suck it up and do the right thing.” Elizabeth brushed away her tears. “There’s no one left who knew me the way she did, you know? And she never gets to marry Nikolas and have her happy ending. She wanted to be a mother, and all of that—God, I hate it so much. There’s too much left we still should be doing together…Why is she gone? Why can’t she just come back?”

Jason curled his arms around her, and they sat there for a long time, just thinking of the life that had been lost.

General Hospital: Patrick’s Office

“This feels like déjà vu,” Carly murmured, skimming the scan Patrick had slid across the desk. She looked at him on the other side of the desk. “It’s eerie, isn’t it? To be sitting here, having the same conversation we had six months ago.” She glanced at the empty space next to her where Jax would have been.

“I know that you have joint power of attorney,” Patrick said. “We can wait to make these decisions, and I can talk to Jason if you want—”

“No, it’s—” Carly set the scans back on the desk, carefully arranging them so that the edges lined up. “I made a promise to myself after Elizabeth’s accident — after I caused that ridiculous scene, and Jason basically threw me out of the room — I told myself that I was going to do everything I could to make his life easier.”

“Okay,” Patrick said slowly, and she thought she detected some skepticism. Well-earned no doubt. “But this is a big decision—”

“You’d think that, but it was a big decision in April. In May when we finally went through with it. I agonized over it. We talked to so many other doctors, and no one disagreed with you.” Carly’s smile was faint. “You’re the best neurosurgeon on the east coast, maybe the country. You’re telling me that Sonny isn’t dead, but he’s not a vegetable. Maybe he’ll wake up one day, and maybe he won’t. But you’re not hopeful.”

“No. There’s some brain activity, but it’s not brain death.”

Carly nodded, sliding her fingers over the lines depicting the brain activity on the page. “And we’ve waited. Just like Michael. Nothing’s changed. Not in a month of waiting. Is it wrong to wish it were brain death? That we could say for sure?”

“No. It’s not. What’s happening to Sonny, what happened with Michael — the ambiguity is almost worse than the clarity of death.” Patrick leaned forward. “Do you mourn? Do you pack up their things? How do you go on when someone who matters so much is somewhere between life and death, and might never move one way or the other?”

“Sometimes,” Carly said, “sometimes I wish I’d never met him. Even if that meant I was still married to AJ, trapped in a horrible marriage. One I chose to make horrible, mind you. You don’t know AJ — you came here after he died. I didn’t push him over the edge, you know, but I sure had no problem making sure he lived on the precipice, making sure that Michael would never know him.” She exhaled, her breath a bit shaky. “Maybe Sonny was a good father, but if AJ had been in his life, do you know where my baby would be right now?”

“Carly—”

“He’d be in school.” Carly met Patrick’s gaze, though his features were blurred through her tears. “He’d be spending time with his cousins. He was supposed to be in sixth grade this year, you know? He’d be twelve in December. I’ll never know what he could have been. Who he’d grow up to be. What kind of man he’d turn into. I don’t know. I know none of this matters. None of this has anything to do with Sonny or the decisions I have to make now. It’s just…I don’t know. Sonny’s gone. And I don’t know what to do with the fact that I don’t even feel grief. Or anger. It’s just a relief. How horrible am I to feel relieved that my little boy is losing his father? That Kristina is losing hers? What kind of person does that make me? Don’t answer that,” Carly said when Patrick opened his mouth. “Just — I’ll talk to Jason. He hasn’t been to see Sonny, so I have to find a way to talk to him about this.”

“There’s no hurry,” Patrick said. “He wouldn’t be our only long-term coma patient, but I don’t have to tell you he wouldn’t get the personal attention here that he would in another facility.”

“I know. And I’m sure the answer will be yes. I just—it’s Halloween, and I’m taking Morgan to trick or treat with his cousins. Elizabeth’s birthday is tomorrow — Jason deserves to have this time, and I’m going to make sure he has it. So I just—I’ll talk to him. Thank you, Patrick. You’ve always been kinder to me than I deserve. I’ll be in touch.”

General Hospital: Nurse’s Hub

When the elevator doors slid opened and Nadine saw Leyla standing by the computer in the hub, she nearly pressed another button for another floor. But she was an adult and there was no amount of avoidance that would change anything. For whatever reason, their budding friendship had been a casualty of Nadine’s impulsive decision to marry Johnny Zacchara.

And if she were honest with herself, it was a relief to know now that Leyla wasn’t someone to be counted on. If Leyla could cut her off so neatly without even bothering to ask questions, then Nadine was better off.

But it didn’t make working together any easier, especially as they’d both been floated to the general ward this rotation.

Nadine took a deep breath, then went over to the counter to exchange charts for her next round of checks. “Any new admits this morning?”

Leyla glanced over at her, then back at the screen. “No. Still the same as last night.”

“Good. Good. It’s a relief to be out of the ICU, but I hope we can start getting back to our usual departments. I miss Pediatrics,” Nadine said, picking up her new charts. “I’m sure you miss surgery.”

“I’m surprised you feel that way considering how you’ve used your time,” Leyla said coolly.

Nadine tensed. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you’ve made it quite the habit of attaching yourself to our more…wealthy patients,” Leyla said. “It didn’t take you long to move on after Nikolas was done with you—”

“Oh, that is absolutely not what happened, and you damn well know it! Nikolas and I had barely even started dating when he decided to go, and yes, that hurt, but there’s no law that says I have to wait to move on—”

“No, but you certainly took advantage of Johnny’s situation, didn’t you? Just like you did with Nikolas. Constantly checking in on him, pushing him to get that surgery, hoping to make yourself indispensable—” Leyla sniffed. “He saw through you, just like I did, and well, maybe you and Johnny Zacchara deserve each other. You’re no better than your sister. Money hungry white trash.”

Crimson Offices: Reception

Maxie emerged from Kate’s office, flipping through memos with one hand, a phone tucked in the crook of her neck. “No, Dinah, I want to push that photo shoot another few days. Kate will be back in the office by then and I know she wants to be there.”

She only half-listened to the response, dropping the memos on her desk. She rummaged for her date book. “Yeah, it’ll be great to have her back. She’s been consulting and signing off from the hospital and from home, but there’s nothing like having her here—” Maxie broke off, the other desk in the area catching her eye.

The empty desk with a chair tucked neatly under it, a discarded jacket over the back of it. The office could get chilly, and Lulu kept something handy for those days. There were no active projects or files on her desk, just her phone and a handful of photos, including one of Lulu with her mother during her parents’ wedding.

“What?” Maxie returned her attention to the call. “No, no, it’ll be good to be back to normal. It was a terrible tragedy. Just…just a terrible, awful day. But it’s time to turn the page. Thanks for the reschedule. Kate will be so grateful, and I certainly won’t forget it either.”

Nadine’s Apartment: Kitchen

He should have been a mechanic. Or a carpenter. An electrician. Something useful.

He should have learned how to do more than shove frozen food in the oven or microwave and click a button.

Johnny studied the inside of Nadine’s cabinet with a squinted expression. Was it really hard to boil water? Surely he could make pasta. He was Italian. Wasn’t that shit in the blood? He took out a package of dried spaghetti and a jar of red sauce.

In the last month, he’d done basically nothing. He’d sleep through most of the day, waking in the early afternoon. He’d watch some daytime television, or lately, he’d been walking around Nadine’s neighborhood. It was okay, he thought. Partially residential, partially business. There was a decent diner on the corner, and he’d found a music store with a piano, so that took care of some of the hours. He was thinking about an electric keyboard that could be folded up and put away.

Nadine worked days mostly, and when she came home, she was usually tired so they ordered out. Johnny had managed to convince her early on to let him go half on everything, including her rent, so the extra takeout expense was on him. But they went to the same places over and over, and that was kind of annoying.

It was also blessedly normal. What to do with his day, what to eat, when to sleep, how to use the laundry machines in the basement of Nadine’s building — the first few weeks had been almost interesting. He’d talked to his sister a few times, had even spoken to his father, though he’d kept his distance, maybe to test how Anthony was going to handle things.

The PCPD had left him alone — Scott was still glaring at him whenever they ran into one another, so Johnny tried to avoid him. Sonny’s case was cold, and so was Kate’s. There was no news on Lulu, so he’d put all of that out of his mind.

This was life now. Figuring out how to fill the days until Nadine came home and they could eat dinner, watch movies, and go to bed. Ordinary.

But maybe he should learn how to cook. Johnny retrieved his laptop, flipped it open, and opened up a search engine.

How to boil water

Patrick’s Condo: Nursery

“I’m as big as a house,” Robin muttered, tossing another plastic hanger in the trash, and handing the onesie to her mother. “How did you stand being pregnant?”

“Well, darling, you were kind enough to arrive several days before the doctor said you were due,” Anna said with a smile. She closed a drawer in the changing table. “How many more of these did you want to run through the laundry today?”

“Just this last batch. Elizabeth said Jake went through a few outfits a day no matter what she did, and I just don’t know between me and Patrick, and moving—” Robin wrinkled her nose. “How am I supposed to get this kid out of me? She’s three days past due.”

“Well, it’s not an exact science, love, but think of it this way. You’ve provided such a warm, comfortable home for my grandbaby that she’s not interested in eviction.” Anna laid her hands on Robin’s belly, waited for the kick. “There you are. Why don’t you come out and see us?”

“I’m trying hot sauce tonight,” Robin decided. “Now that we have a closing date, I just want to get on with it all, you know? We weren’t even going to be put an offer on anything unless we really loved it, but I saw that a house across from Elizabeth was available, and I just—I couldn’t help myself.”

“Well, you’ve told me she’s become a good friend to you, and of course, I know she’s special to Patrick. And from what I hear, you’ll have another old friend living across the way.” Anna lifted the laundry basket. “I commend you for having such a good friendship with Jason. It took me far longer to be friends with your father.”

Robin followed her mother into the living room, her expression pinched. “Well, it’s not like that happened overnight. We were basically enemies by the time I left. It’s just—I don’t know. We both went through a lot while I was gone, and now I’m home, and we’ve just both moved on. We were friends before we were in love.”

“I only remember Jason as a child, obviously, but it’s so strange to think of Alan and Monica’s son as, well…” Anna set the laundry basket on the table. “Jason Morgan. His name has come across my files once or twice. Not as a target,” she added when Robin blinked at her. “There was some business with the Alcazar brothers that the WSB was keeping their eye on. To think that a boy you played with as a child could grow up to be involved with men like that—”

“Mom. It’s a little late to be judging my ex-boyfriends. Especially since I’m engaged to a neurosurgeon, and not Jason.”

“No, I’ll let Elizabeth’s parents worry about her. Or her grandmother. Who seems to approve since she’s living with them.”

“Oh, that’s just temporary,” Robin said. She went into the kitchen to find something to eat — something she could put hot sauce on. “While Elizabeth recovered from her concussion, and everything that was going on after the wedding, it was just easier to be at the Towers. But I think Liz said she was hoping to go back home by the holidays or after that. The boys need a backyard.”

“Everything after the wedding?” Anna echoed.

“What, were you living under a rock or something? Didn’t they get the news on your last assignment?” Robin asked. “Kate was shot at her wedding. It was chaos, and then Elizabeth had an accident. Lucky up and left the boys basically overnight, which just made it worse. And—” She looked down. “Well, what happened with Sonny. I think Jason just wanted to make sure everyone was safe. He’s lost a lot of people.”

“I did hear about Emily last year. Such a tragedy. And Michael. That’s awful.”

“Alan, I think, hit Jason harder than he thought it would. They always had such a hard relationship after the accident, and I think he has regrets.” Robin sighed. “But I guess it’s been quiet. Not that I’d know, but everything seems calmer. I’m glad. Jason needed a break. Whatever was going on, it feels like it’s over.”

Robin busied herself heating up the wings from the night before and missed the expression of speculation that crossed her mother’s face.

Coffee House: Office

Francis knocked on the open door. “Hey, do you have a minute?”

“Yeah, but I have to go—” Jason glanced at the clock. “In maybe ten minutes. We’re eating early tonight, and I want to be there before Carly.” Carly was mostly behaving herself, but it was still better to be present when she and Elizabeth were together. Carly had a way of sneaking in a dig that the kids wouldn’t understand, but Elizabeth absolutely would. Jason wasn’t interested in testing the limits of her patience, not today of all days.

“Ah, yeah, that’s a good idea. Mrs. C. never did like her much. Can’t imagine why,” Francis said dryly. “Anyway, you said Mrs. Hardy was heading back to Maple Avenue next week?”

“Yeah. Did you get the rotation set up?”

“Yep. She’ll have round the clock surveillance. I put some of the guys from Greystone on it. They’re used to sitting around and watching a house,” Francis said. “And I made it clear that she’s on Bobbie Spencer’s level when it comes to protection. So she’s good to go.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that. Not just because she has the boys with her sometimes, but—”

“She’s family, I get you.” Francis lifted the photo of Elizabeth and the boys, then looked at Jason. “Nice to see it out of the drawer.”

Jason took the frame back, nearly said nothing, then changed his mind. “You were right, you know. About when Sonny was at his best.” He set the frame on the desk. “I have to get home for Halloween.”

Nadine’s Apartment: Living Room

Nadine shoved the door open, and was already halfway across the room before she realized Johnny was in the kitchen, standing over the sink, holding up a clump of noodles, steam rising from the colander below it.

She furrowed her brow, looked behind her. “Did I come to the right apartment?”

Johnny turned, glowered. “It’s not funny.”

“I’m not—” Nadine felt a tickle in her throat, pressed her lips together. “I’m not laughing.”

“You are—” Johnny dropped the clump back into the plastic container, scowling at it. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Nadine dropped her handbag on the sofa, kicked off her shoes, and went over to him. Next to the sink, she saw a laptop opened to a how to article about —

“Boiling pasta,” she read, lifting her brows. What would it be like, she wondered, to have to look up such basic information? Aunt Rayleen had made sure Nadine and Jolene could look after themselves. That they’d never be like their mother, trapped by a man. They had careers and basic survival skills.

Which included boiling water.

“You know, it doesn’t look that bad actually.” Nadine opened a nearby cabinet, retrieved a bottle of olive oil. “Here, mix in a teaspoon of that.”

Johnny looked at her skeptically but obeyed the instructions — even though she had to correct which spoon he grabbed from the drawer. Eventually, with her help, they were able to salvage some of the pasta.

“Put that in before you boil the water, and it helps the pasta not to stick later, but it works after, too.” Nadine twisted the cap back on the oil. “Isn’t this usually our Chinese night?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want another egg roll,” Johnny said. He lifted the cover over the sauce. “It doesn’t taste great, but I didn’t burn it, either.”

Nadine grinned at him, her terrible day forgotten. “Small victories. Let me show you some things we can add, and we’ll whip up some garlic bread.”

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