It seems like every day’s the same
And I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
And there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over
And I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober
Feels like I’m dying here
– Fine Again, Seether

---

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

 Drake Condo: Living Room

Robin met Patrick at the door, her eyes wide, her teeth slightly clenched. “Hey, isn’t it great that my mom dropped by?”

He glanced past her, saw his future mother-in-law by the window, then looked back to Robin. Talking about what he’d learned would have to wait until they were alone. “Oh, yeah, that’s great.”

“I do hope that’s all right. Robin said you’d stopped out to pick up dinner, but I assured her I’d eaten—” She eyed the files in his hand. “I thought you were taking some time from work.”

“I am, but you know how it is when you’re the one in charge. Always a form to sign. It’s just something for the board meeting in a few days. Sorry,” he told Robin. “I promise I didn’t talk to one patient—”

“You’re fine. Mom’s just nosy,” Robin said, shooting her mother a look.

“You say that as if it’s a bad thing,” Anna teased. “Did you want any help with that?” she asked, gesturing at Patrick who still held the takeout bag from Kelly’s in one hand, the file in the other. “You can go to the kitchen, I’ll put that over by your desk—”

“No, we’re good—” Patrick tightened his hand on the file, started for the kitchen on his own. “I’ve got it.” He passed Anna and missed the determined set of her face. “Just an issue with a patient.”

Robin furrowed her brow, confused by her mother’s offer. “Hey, you know Kelly’s portions are huge, and I’ll never eat all those fries. Why don’t you split mine in half? Patrick can help me with Emma’s diaper.” She lifted her brows. “Unless you want—”

“No, no, I’ve already done my turn, thank you.”

Once inside the nursery, Robin handed Patrick the baby and closed the door. “What is it? I’ve been dying since Epiphany refused to say anything on the phone. I don’t know why she thinks we’re being bugged—”

“‘She was worried about being overheard on her end.” He laid Emma on the changing table, the newborn batting her fists in the air, kicking and making it difficult for her father to wrestle with the snaps of her onesie. “Jolene went into cardiac arrest and died today. Epiphany had some questions.”

“Jolene?” Robin repeated. She leaned against the door. “She’s been stable for more than a year, hasn’t she?”

“According to her records. Her last lab results were normal. Other than the coma, she’s in—she was relatively healthy.” Patrick disposed of the used diaper. “Epiphany got wind of it from Matt. She’d been transferred to his service when I took the chief position. He ordered an autopsy.”

“Oh. Well, that’s lucky, but why? I mean you and I might be curious as to what would have happened, but Matt doesn’t know any better. And Nadine—” Robin folded her arms. “We never brought her in with the misfires.”

“No. I might have, but then she got mixed up with the Zaccharas and I thought she had enough on her plate.” Patrick laid a freshly changed Emma against his shoulder, stroking her back. “Epiphany might not have really thought much about it, but she thought Johnny was acting strangely at the hospital. I put a rush on the autopsy, so I guess we’ll see what happens.” He looked at her. “I didn’t call Elizabeth or Jason. I figured…”

“It was hard today,” Robin admitted, and he came to her. She slid an arm around his waist, cuddling into his side so that he had Emma in one arm and Robin in the other. “But I’d feel better if we told him. Just in case.”

“You know him better than me.”

“I’d rather keep him looped in than have to catch him up later. It’s sad for Nadine,” Robin admitted. “They weren’t close, and Jolene was a difficult person. Still — that was her family.” She flicked her eyes towards the door, then back to Patrick. “I’m gonna make the call in here. I don’t want Mom to overhear. The last thing we need is for her to get curious and start asking questions.”

Morgan Penthouse: Living Room

It wasn’t so long ago that Jason had to resort to brooding over a beer at Jake’s or riding for hours on the bike just to keep himself distracted, and if he was feeling particularly miserable, he’d pick a fight to have someone to punch.

It was easier now, he thought, guiding Jake’s tiny fingers to fold the strips of construction paper and create a link in their paper chain. He could come home to the boys and just let Cameron talk about anything or everything. He could read to Jake or pretend not to see Elizabeth picking up her pencils and sketch pad.

And a distraction was exactly what he wanted for himself tonight, and he was glad that he hadn’t had to worry about Carly being on her own tonight. She’d be in Manhattan with her mother, not alone. She’d been prickly at the hospital, and Jason knew her mercurial mood would shift from picking at Robin to picking at him or someone else in her way, and if that didn’t give her the relief she’d need—well, that’s when things could get hairy.

But he’d wanted a night for just their family, including Audrey who had been happy to remain after watching Jake that morning. She was perched on the edge of the armchair happily cutting strips of paper for the boys to curl into links, talking about the upcoming Thanksgiving holidays. Jake needed help to make the links, but Morgan and Cameron had no issues — except they kept getting glue on their hands and chasing each other with their sticky fingers.

“I was so hoping I could convince Steven and Sarah to join us this year,” Audrey was saying when the phone on the desk rang. Jason lifted Jake from his lap and set him on the sofa next to his brother. “But Steven is working, and Sarah said she and your parents have made a commitment to some friends in Napa. They said we were welcome, but—”

“Well, that’s not going to happen,” Elizabeth replied, rolling her eyes. “Which they knew which is the only reason they invited us. Can you imagine packing the boys up, flying across the country to have dinner with them?”

“Well, I can keep trying to make your parents at least pretend not to play favorites,” Audrey said with a sniff.

Jason picked up the phone, half-listening to the conversation, wondering why Audrey bothered reaching out to the family members who couldn’t be less interested. “Hello?”

“Jason? Hey. It’s Robin. Is this a bad time?”

“No. It’s fine. What’s up?”

A few minutes later, Jason placed the phone back on the receiver, angled himself away from the rest of the room, absorbing Robin’s news. Or lack of news.

“Is everything all right?”

Jason looked up, found Audrey and Elizabeth watching him. “What?”

Elizabeth set down the glue stick she’d been using and stood. “Gram, can you—”

“Of course. Cam, why don’t you get a piece of this construction paper and show your brother what you learned to draw in school.”

Elizabeth came towards him, and Jason took her by the arm and led her towards the hallway. But he didn’t stop there — he went around the corner and into the other penthouse. He flipped on the light, then closed the door.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, folding her arms. “You’re kind of freaking me out.”

“Jolene Crowell died today.”

“Jolene—Nadine’s sister?” Elizabeth furrowed her brow. “I don’t understand. Nadine said she was going to visit with her sister today while she was waiting for us. She didn’t say anything about her condition changing.” She exhaled in a slow breath. “Was it sabotage?”

“They don’t know. Whatever it was, it wasn’t worrying enough to escalate it to Patrick through any official channels. Matt Hunter ordered an autopsy, but according to Robin, Epiphany thought Johnny was acting weird at the hospital.” Jason scrubbed a hand down his face. “I thought we were done with this. Either it was a coding glitch or Karpov using you to screw with me. Or maybe it was just some hacker screwing around. Either way, Spinelli’s firewall fixed the issues, and I got rid of Karpov.”

“Well, we don’t know anything for sure. Just because Jolene wasn’t in critical condition, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t an underlying problem. And long-term coma patients—” Elizabeth hesitated. “This happens sometimes,” she said softly, and Jason looked away, thinking of Sonny and Michael. Would that happen one day to them? Would they wake up and find they’d lost one in the night?

“I know, but it’s—it’s the timing. Sonny is transferred today, and Jolene, who’s been stable the entire time, goes into cardiac arrest?”

“You’re thinking of what happened the night I got the first warfarin doses. You said Karpov brought someone to Sonny’s house, framing Johnny for Kate’s shooting. I was targeted to distract you.”

“Yeah.” Jason nodded. “Yeah, I am. I thought I got rid of Karpov, but I just got him tangled up in red tape. Maybe it wasn’t enough. Maybe he was laying low—”

“But what’s the connection to Nadine? I thought Johnny wasn’t involved in any of this. Does it make sense to go after his comatose sister-in-law?”

“Johnny’s not involved, but his father is. The Russians—they go after families. They feed on the terror. Karpov using you to hurt me? To make sure I wasn’t focused on Sonny — yeah, I believe that. It’s why—”

“Why you pushed me away even harder when Karpov showed up,” Elizabeth said softly. He looked at her. “Because before, maybe I get hurt in the crossfire. Maybe I’m in a car meant for you, like Lily. But with Karpov, I was the weapon. And the boys could be.”

He exhaled slowly. “If they wanted to use Jake or Cam, they would have done that. No one was surprised when we told them I was Jake’s father. People knew. They didn’t believe you last year. But I never left them unguarded. After Michael, there was always someone on you. On Jake and Cam. They couldn’t get close, but—”

She nodded. “I knew that. There was always a car outside the house,” she added when he looked back at her. “And Lucky saw them, too. He figured after Jake’s kidnapping, as much as he hated the truth, he wasn’t going to turn down extra security. I think most parents wouldn’t mind a bodyguard just trailing after their kids.” Elizabeth waited a beat. “But that wouldn’t have been enough. Especially when they were with my grandmother. They didn’t use Jake or Cameron. They went after me in the hospital.”

“Because they already had the system in place,” Jason said slowly. “Spinelli said that he couldn’t pinpoint which patients had their medications screwed with, but he could confirm that they had. You couldn’t have been the first. You were just the only case with a complication that couldn’t be explained away.”

“Spinelli said that it would be difficult to figure out exactly what happened, but he didn’t say it was impossible.”

“I’m going to call him. I don’t want to wait for the autopsy to come back. I want to know anything that happened to Jolene Crowell as soon as possible.”

Nadine’s Apartment: Living Room

“You’re sure we filled out those forms right?” Nadine asked, as Johnny closed the door and flipped the locks behind them. “I didn’t know we had to make all those decisions right away. Did I make the wrong ones?”

“Who decides it they’re wrong?” Johnny asked. He reached for her hands, clasped them between his own. “I think cremating her and taking the remains back to Ohio to be buried with your aunt is a good idea.” And since Nadine had looked at him in horror when he’d suggested he’d cover the costs of transporting Jolene back to Ohio to be buried, cremating her first was less expensive.

“I don’t even know how Epiphany talked me into having a service,” Nadine muttered, dragging her jacket off and hanging it up. She ran her fingers through her hair, took another deep breath. “No one is even going to come. She was a killer, Johnny. There are going to be people who think she got what she deserved—”

“There are people who will want to show you support,” Johnny said, hoping like hell that was true. He put his arm around her shoulders, steering her towards the bedroom. “It’s okay. We made the decisions we needed to tonight, and the rest can wait—”

Nadine spun around at the doorway, planting her hands against the door frame on either side. “Matt said we needed an autopsy. To understand what happened to her. I said yes. Because if I’d told him the truth, he’d have thought I was crazy.”

“The truth?” Johnny echoed.

“It’s me. My fault. I’m cursed.”

“Nadine—”

“I lost patients in the ICU this summer, and I tried to help you and Lulu, but I failed at that. I tried to help Nikolas, and he just got annoyed at me. I volunteered at the clinic, and it burned down—” She squeezed her eyes closed. “And Sonny? I was there, too—”

“That was not your fault,” Johnny cut in sharply, and she closed her mouth. “That’s on me. On Sonny. Never you. None of this is your fault. Tell me you know that.”

“I—” Her face crumpled, and the tears started again. He felt like a real asshole. Great job, he told himself, taking her in his arms, her body trembling. Yell at her. That’ll fix everything.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to blame yourself, okay?” He rubbed her back. “You’re a good person, Nadine. All you want to do is make people better. Heal them. You’re not cursed.”

“That’s—” She hiccupped. “Bad things keep happening, and I don’t know why.”

“Because you’re a nurse,” Johnny said, the lie sour in his throat. “You’re not going to win every battle. Jolene was in a coma. They never thought she’d wake up. Matt will get the autopsy, and you’ll know it wasn’t your fault. Okay?”

She dropped onto the bed, scrubbed her hands over her eyes. “I know you’re right. I know it’s stupid to think any of this is on me. But I fix things, okay? And when I can’t fix a problem, I try to understand why, and I don’t like that I can’t. The universe being a bitch isn’t really something I want to accept.”

He should tell her. He should absolutely tell her that he was responsible for her sister’s death. He’d had a chance to stop this. If he did what Jerry Jacks wanted— but what would she say if he’d turned on Jason, the man that had protected them?

What would Nadine think if she knew Johnny had protected his sister—that he knew who’d put that ten-year-old boy in a hospital bed for the rest of his life?

“Let’s wait for the autopsy results,” Johnny said finally. “You’ll feel better when you have answers. Do you want dinner or something?”

“God. No, I couldn’t eat right now. I just want—” Nadine bit her lip, her eyes swimming with tears again. “I know this is going to sound stupid and weird, but I just—could you just lay here and hold me?”

The weight was crushing, but he couldn’t say no. Couldn’t refuse her. Not when he was the reason that any of this was happening in the first place. He’d come to Port Charles, and Sonny had treated Johnny like the root of all his problems. He’d thrown Johnny into that asylum, and everything that had happened since then was Johnny’s fault. Because his sister had been avenging him, Michael was in a coma, Sonny had followed, and now Nadine’s sister was dead.

The least he could do was give Nadine the comfort she deserved, even if he wasn’t worthy enough to touch her.

“Yeah. Sure.” He kicked off his shoes and crawled into the bed next to her. She came into his arms, and he curled her close, fitting their bodies together as naturally as they did every night. This was his wife, Johnny thought. They’d taken those vows to protect each other, and he hadn’t done a good job honoring them.

That had to change. He would make sure none of this ever touched Nadine again if it was the last thing he ever did.

Morgan Penthouse: Living Room

“Careful, Cam—” Elizabeth steadied his hands as the little boy swiped the glue stick awkwardly on the ends of his neon yellow strip of construction paper. “We don’t want to get glue in your hair again—” She glanced over at the door, biting her lip, wondering if Jason was all right.

Audrey stepped off the bottom stair. “Jake’s down for his nap,” she told her granddaughter, returning to the sofa and reaching for a strip of paper to make her own link in their growing paper chain. “Jason isn’t back yet?”

“No.”

Audrey watched Elizabeth look at the door again. “If you want to just check on him, I’ll be here with the boys.”

“I—” She shouldn’t. It was business, and she wanted him to know that he could trust her. But what if he’d finished his calls and was sitting over there by himself, in the penthouse where Sonny had lived, where Jason had raised Michael— “I’ll just pop over real quick and see if he needs anything. Morgan, Cam, I’ll be right back.”

She crossed the hallway and lightly knocked on the other penthouse. When there wasn’t a response, she twisted the knob — it turned easily in her hand.

Jason was inside, sitting by the fireplace, the closed phone in his hand. He looked over at her entrance, got to his feet. “Sorry—I—I lost track of time—”

“Maybe it’s not a good idea to use this place for business while we’re at the penthouse,” Elizabeth said, catching his hand as he passed her. He paused, sighed, then turned back, his eyes shadowed. “There’s too much history—”

“It’s just a place. Four walls. It doesn’t have to—” Jason exhaled slowly. Looked back at the fireplace. “We were sitting there the day Sonny told me he was leaving. That he wasn’t going to take Brenda with him. He asked me to make sure she hated him so that she wouldn’t follow and get hurt.”

Elizabeth rubbed his shoulder. “It was a horrible thing he asked you to do. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t want to. I asked him not to make me, but it was an order.” He grimaced. “Not the first I regretted following, and not the last.” Jason exhaled, shook his head slightly. “It’s just a place,” he repeated, a bit more softly. “I lived here for a little while, and now I don’t. It won’t matter after we go back to the house. I’ll keep this all away from you—”

“Maybe—” She bit her lip. “Maybe I don’t want you to.”

Jason frowned, looking at her again. “What?”

“I mean, I’m not saying that I want to be in the business, but we both agree that there’s no way out for you. Not right now. Not without leaving everything and everyone we love. You’re in it, Jason. And I’m with you. I don’t want to pretend that you get up and go to work as a coffee importer. I don’t want you to ever think I don’t see you.” Her voice faltered. “Because I love every part of you. Even the ones you think I can’t.”

He exhaled, his breath a bit shaky. His fingers tightened on hers, then he stepped forward, cupped her face, and kissed her, slowly, lingering. “I love you.”

Manhattan, New York: Silver Water Rehabilitation Center

Carly sat next to the bed, took a deep breath. “You look taller,” she murmured. “I don’t know if that’s possible, but it feels like it could be. It makes sense. You’re supposed to be hitting puberty, right?”

She stroked his blond hair back from his forehead, noting that it was a bit shaggy and would need to be cut. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here more often. I’ve been distracted back at home. Your…your father’s here now. Down the hall from you. I wish I could say it’s just a visit, but he’s here to stay.”

Carly waited, trying to force words out over the lump in her throat. “We miss you so much, Mr. Man. Your dad and I—we love you so much, and when you’re not with us, it feels wrong. It is wrong. You should be awake, running around. Terrorizing your little brother. You deserve the whole world, baby, and it kills me I can’t give it to you.”

She leaned back. “A lot’s happened since I came here a few months ago. Um, Jax and I had a fight. Not surprising, I’m sure. I don’t know if we’ll be able to fix it. I don’t know if I want to. I think sometimes…sometimes he’s in love with an idea of me. And I can’t ever measure up to that. Maybe for a little while I make it work, but I mostly fail. That’s not your problem, but I know you care about him. So does Morgan. But it’s not really enough.

“What else? Let’s see. Morgan started school this year. Pre-school at Saint Andrew’s. He has a new best friend. I guess he’s sort of your cousin, depending on how you look at it. Grandma Bobbie claims him as part of the family, so there’s that. You probably don’t remember him—Cameron. You know Elizabeth, though. She was always…” Carly rubbed her chest. “She was always kind to you. Anyway, Morgan and Cam get along really well, and it’s helping your brother cope with not having you anymore. But if you could just…if you could wake up, baby, and come home, I just know you’d be the best big brother and cousin a couple of boys could ask for.”

She waited a long moment, but nothing changed. Michael’s chest still rose steadily, assisted by the ventilator. His eyes remained closed. His arms still at his side, laying against the gray blanket she’d brought from home.

“Uncle Jason’s doing okay. I know you’d be worried about him. He…wasn’t for a long time. What happened to you scared him, baby. But I think he’s handling it better. He’s…” Carly bit her lip. “Elizabeth is back. You remember when she lived across the hall for a little bit when you were younger? Well, she’s with your uncle now. And her son, Jake. He’s Jason’s son. Which makes him your cousin. He’s part of the family. Another reason I’m glad Morgan and Cam have each other.”

Carly ran a hand through her hair, sighed. “We’re okay back home. I don’t want you to worry about any of that. We miss you. We want you to come home. When you’re ready.” She reached into her bag, pulled out a comic book issue. “I brought the new Batman. I’ll try to describe it all to you, but any time you want to wake up and look at the pictures, you do that, baby.”

Morgan Penthouse: Master Bedroom

Jason sat on the edge of the bed, staring down at a text notification on his phone. “Carly. She said Sonny’s checked in and settled. She and Bobbie are at their hotel for the night.”

Elizabeth sighed, then sat next to him, resting her chin on his shoulder. “That’s good.”

She reached for his phone, closed it. “You’ve spent enough time on that today. It’s been a long day, and I have a bad feeling tomorrow isn’t going to be better.”

“Probably not.”

“Come on.” Elizabeth scooted back towards the headboards and pillows. Jason rose, then came around to his side of the bed, sliding beneath the covers and pulling her into his arms. She snuggled against him, and he stroked her hair. “Morgan and Cameron went through our entire pack of neon construction paper. We need to get more.”

Jason’s lips curved as he thought about the colors that would decorate their first Christmas tree as a family. “How many pieces ended up as links on the paper chain?”

“Twelve. He’s getting better. Morgan made eight. He wants to give us half and take the rest home to his mother.”

“You were right. About the penthouse. I finished my calls in ten minutes, but then I just sat there. Thinking about Emily.” He closed his eyes against the burn of tears that never seemed to be far away. “I was on the island. I was looking for her. I wanted to bring her to you, to make sure she was safe, and I couldn’t.”

“Jason—”

“Diego came after her because of me. He nearly killed you because of me. And now Nadine has lost her sister because of—”

Elizabeth leaned up on her elbow, her hand resting against his heart. “Don’t do this to yourself, Jason. If there was a chance to save Emily, you would have taken it. You would have given your own life to save her. You know that. You nearly let a madman push you off a roof on the small chance that I would be able to live.” She grimaced when he didn’t say anything. “I think that place just absorbs negative energy. It’s so dark, and even when the sun is out, it feels like there are shadows everywhere. It never did Sonny any good to live like that, and I don’t want it for you. You carry enough guilt. You don’t need to sit in a room that just puts more of it on you.”

Jason sighed. “I’m sorry. We were talking about Cameron, and you were trying to distract me. Maybe we should just go to sleep.”

Elizabeth sighed and rolled way to switch off the light. The room sank into darkness, and he closed his eyes, willing his brain to switch off. To just slide into sleep and let all of this go away for a little while.

“Well, this isn’t working,” Elizabeth said, sounding wide awake at his side. He heard the rustle of sheets, felt her wiggling next to him.

“What are—” Jason leaned up on both elbows, then stopped when Elizabeth popped back out above the covers and tossed something off the bed. “Was that—”

“Quiet. I’m distracting you.”

“I’m—” He took a deep breath when she slid one leg across his middle, and he realized she’d tossed her sleep shorts out of the bed. “I’m distracted.”

She leaned over him, feathering kisses from his collarbone down to his chest, and then she kept going—when she reached the top of his sweats, Jason caught her elbows, dragged her up, and rolled them over so that she was beneath him, smirking. “I was just getting to the good part—”

“You’re not the only one who knows how to distract.” He captured her mouth, pinning her wrists above her head so her hands couldn’t wander. “But you go there, and this is over too fast.”

“Fast is fun.” Elizabeth hooked a leg over his waist. “You usually like it that way—”

“That…” He leaned down, nipped at the soft skin beneath her ear, nibbling his way down her neck. “That was when we didn’t have a lot of time. We have all night now.” He slid his thumbs beneath the strap of her tank top and slid it down her arms. “So if we’re going to distract each other, let’s do it right.”

Nadine’s Apartment: Living Room

Even after Nadine fell into a troubled sleep, Johnny couldn’t follow suit. Couldn’t turn his mind off. He carefully closed the bedroom door and went to check the phone he’d left charging. There was a single text message from an unknown number.

The same number that had called him earlier that night.

You should call me.

With trepidation, Johnny pressed the redial button, then lifted the phone to his ear. When the call connected, he didn’t bother with a greeting. “What do you want?”

“Is that any way to greet someone?” Jerry asked. “I just wanted to see if you understood my message.”

Johnny’s free hand curled into a fist. “Yeah, I got your message, and you can—”

“If you’re taking that tone with me, I don’t think you do. I could have sent my little friend in there at any time and no one would know she existed. I have eyes everywhere, my friend. As easily as I took one Crowell sister, I could have had the other.”

His heart thudded, and Johnny turned to look at the bedroom door where Nadine was safe, still asleep.  “What?”

“Oh, you didn’t know? Perhaps dear Nadine doesn’t know either. My message was delivered while she was in the room. With just a whisper from me and a syringe to the carotid, you’d be burying a wife, not a sister-in-law.”

Johnny blindly reached out for the sofa, his knees buckling. The murderer had been in the room with Nadine. Jerry had chosen to have Jolene killed, but it easily could have been—

“I trust you understand me now. I’m willing to be a little patient for you to get into Jason Morgan’s good graces. But the clock is ticking.”

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