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I still feel the same

Lucky Spencer rushes into Kelly’s, heads straight for the counter where Emily and Courtney Quartermaine are talking and laughing.

His hair is disheveled, his shirt and pants rumpled. There’s a look of desperation on his face. “Emily!” he calls.

She turns and frowns at him. “Lucky…what’s wrong?”

He swallows. “Have you seen Elizabeth anywhere?”

Emily snorts and turns away. “No,” she says coldly. “I haven’t.”

Though everything has changed

Elizabeth Webber tells the cab driver to wait, she’ll only be a minute. She walks towards the house slowly and when she reaches the door, she touches it for a moment, her mind drifting away.

“Elizabeth, I never wanted you to be anything other than who you are,” Audrey Hardy tells her, wrapping an arm around her young granddaughter’s shoulders.

“Sometimes, I just feel like I’ll never be good enough,” Elizabeth says, tugging at the ends of her short brown hair. “That I’ll never measure up.”

“Anyone who doesn’t know who you are and would rather you be someone else is a fool,” Audrey tells her, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

“Thanks Gram,” Elizabeth whispers, her eyes glimmering with tears.

The memory has assaulted her without warning and she blinks her eyes rapidly. She withdraws the pack of letters from her purse and flips through it until she finds the one addressed to Audrey Hardy. She slips it into the mailbox and heads back to the cab.

The pain it cost now
I feel lost inside of my own name

Lucky stares at Emily for a moment before the disgust fills his eyes. “What is wrong with you?” he demands.

Emily sighs and spins on the stool to face her oldest friend. “You know that Elizabeth and I aren’t speaking.”

“Because she made a mistake and slept with Zander,” Lucky replies. “But you weren’t even dating Zander at the time…and you forget–”

“Lucky, no one here cares about Elizabeth,” Courtney breaks in. “So why don’t you just go away?”

Lucky glares at her. “No one asked you, Courtney. Just the stay the hell out of it.”

“Don’t talk to her like that!” Emily snaps. “You don’t know anything–”

“I know that Courtney used to be married to your other brother AJ,” Lucky cut in. “I know that barely after their marriage ended, she shacked up with Jason and lied to everyone about it, including Elizabeth. I know that Courtney has been nothing but hateful to Elizabeth for months, so don’t tell me I don’t know anything.” He stops and shakes his head. “None of this matters. I need to find Elizabeth.”

But I keep running

Elizabeth stands outside of the empty site that used to house Jason’s bike garage and the room that Lucky had lived in all those years ago. Jason still owns the land, but had never built anything on it.

It is a desolate and empty space.

“It’s not much I know,” Lucky tells her grinning. “But with your talent and my paycheck, we can turn it into home in no time.”

Elizabeth smiles and looks around the sorry excuse for a room. “Anything is better than freezing to death in the boxcar, right?”

“So, is it doable?” Lucky asks. He crosses the room and pulls a window shade up. It falls to the ground, nearly missing Lucky’s head. He jumps back a little alarmed.

She starts to laugh. “Yeah, it’s doable.”

She fishes in her purse and removes a ring that Lucky gave to her in that room. The day they expressed their love for one another the first time. She drops it in an empty envelope addressed to Lucky and lays the envelope on the spot where the door to the garage had been once upon a time.

I am running

Emily sighs. “What’s wrong? Why are you looking for her?”

Lucky shoves his hands through his hair and squeezes his eyes shut. “No one’s seen her all day. Her studio is locked tightly and I checked with the building supervisor. She asked to be let out of her lease. Now, Emily, out of a respect for someone who risked her life to help you, who faced Tom Baker because she was scared for you…will you please tell me…have you seen her?”

Emily closes her eyes and looks away, picturing that day in the studio clearly in her mind. Elizabeth’s tear-filled eyes as she admitted Tom was her rapist flash in her mind.

“No. I haven’t seen her.”

She makes a split-second decision and stands. “But I’ll help you look.”

I keep living for the day that I’m with you
That I’m with you

Elizabeth steps inside the lobby of Harborview Towers and smiles briefly at the guard near the elevators. “Hi, Max,” she says softly. “How are you?”

Max smiles back at her. “Hello, Ms. Webber. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

“How’s Cori and the baby?” Elizabeth asks as she fishes three more letters from her pile.

Max grins at the mention of his wife and young daughter. “Cori’s wonderful,” he replies. “She loved the brownies you brought by. And Little Maggie is getting so big.”

“That’s great. I’m so happy for you.” Elizabeth reaches out and gives him a quick hug. “I’m glad you have someone that you love.”

Max frowns at the sadness in his former charge’s eyes. “Ms. Webber, is anything…wrong?”

“No.” Elizabeth forces a smile, but it doesn’t lift the veil of despair in the depths of her eyes. “No, for the first time in a long time, I know what’s right.” She hands him the letters. “Can you get these to them?”

Max nods. “No problem, Ms. Webber. I’ll see ya around.”

She moves away but when she’s about ten feet from him she turns back and smiles just once more. “No. No you won’t.”

Max narrows his eyes at her answer, but she’s out of the doors before he can say anything. He looks down at the letters. One addressed to Carly Corinthos, one to Sonny Corinthos…and the last is to Jason Morgan.

He puts them in the inside pocket of his jacket, and decides to tell Jason about the depression he fears Elizabeth has fallen into since finding out the truth about her boyfriend, Ric Lansing.

The past has left its stain

“The supervisor says Elizabeth asked about the lease yesterday afternoon,” Lucky reports as he and Emily heads to his car. His hands are shaking as he tries to separate the key to unlock the door from the rest of the keys on the ring. “He remembers me and let me in.”

Emily calmly puts her hand over his, stilling his movements. “Lucky, take a deep breath. I’m sure she’s fine.”

“Everything was packed up,” Lucky tells her, his voice shaky. Tears begin to gather in the corner of his eyes. “And…and there was a letter on one of the boxes.”

Emily stares at him for a moment. “A letter,” she repeats, slowly feeling a tight coil of fear begin to wind in her stomach. “What…what kind of letter?”

Lucky surprises her and slams his fist into the hood of the car, leaving a soft dent in the metal. “I’m scared, Emily. I’m scared for her. She’s been slipping into this bad place for the last month or so. Ever since she found out that Ric slept with Carly and was only using her to get to Sonny and Jason. She’s been so sad and…hard to reach. You aren’t talking to her, Jason is as far away as he’s ever been…her parents are gone, Zander’s afraid to talk to her because you’ll shut him out…”

“Lucky, what was in the letter?” Emily cries, her voice tinged with desperation. She grabs his collar. “Lucky!”

Lucky swallows hard and meets Emily’s dark brown eyes. “The letter was addressed to me.” He pulled it out of his pocket and handed the rumpled sheet to her. She grabs it from him.

Now I feel the shame

Elizabeth stands outside of the boxcar and closes her eyes. Her hands are shaking this time as she remembers.

“Jason, wake up. Please, just open your eyes. I can’t help you if don’t open your eyes!” Elizabeth cries wiping the snow from his face.

The memory changes quickly into a different one, a lighter one.

“This is the best gift anyone’s ever given me,” Lucky tells her, staring at the guitar.

“Can you play something for me?” Elizabeth asks hopefully. “Are you taking request?”

“You could ask for anything right now,” Lucky tells her, his face lighting up.

“Would you play the song you wrote for me?”

She sets the jacket with a note pinned to it just inside the boxcar. She runs her hand over the worn leather for a moment, her fingers brushing the note with Jason’s name scrawled on it.

She steps away and leaves the clearing.

I’ll seize the day if you take away the chains of yesterday

Courtney is sitting at the counter quietly staring into space. The diner is nearly empty and no one is calling for her attention.

Against her better judgment, she’s thinking about Elizabeth. Wondering why Lucky is so upset.

And she remembers the day Elizabeth trusted her and tried to make her feel better.

Elizabeth sighs. “I don’t even think I’d be here after the night you had.”

Courtney frowned and shook her head. “Wait. What — what do you mean? That creep on the docks? How did you know?”

“Well, I saw you with Jason, and you obviously seemed upset. So I asked him what happened, and he said that some guy had grabbed you?

“Great. Does the whole town know?”

“No, but so what if they did?” Elizabeth asks. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry. It’s kind of a — a hot button for me. I was — I was raped a few years back.

Courtney blinked and bit her lip. “I’m sorry. I–“

“No, I’m — I’m fine now. You know what? I probably shouldn’t have even brought up last night. It’s none of my business. But without getting into the whole thing, I know how terrified you must have been. And if you find yourself freaked out all of a sudden, you want to talk–“

“Thanks, Elizabeth. That’s really nice of you. Fortunately, nothing awful happened, so I’m all right.”

“Courtney?”

His voice jerks her back into the present and she turns to paste a smile on her face. “Hey.”

Jason Morgan frowns and tilts his head to the side. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just…” Courtney shrugged. “Lucky Spencer was in here a few minutes go looking for Elizabeth. He can’t find her and he looked really worried. Emily went with him to find her.” She hesitates but tells him anyway. “Lucky says that Elizabeth asked to be let out of her lease but no one’s heard anything about her moving.”

“Does Lucky have any idea where she might be?” Jason asks quickly.

Courtney sighs and turns away to avoid looking into the blue eyes filled with concern. Concern, she knew to be for his ex-girlfriend. And she wanted to ignore the flicker of fear in them as well. Because she wanted to forget that Jason ever felt anything for Elizabeth.

“No. But he’s…he’s really upset.”

Jason’s cell phone rings then. He fishes it out of his pocket and answers it. “Yeah? Carly…wait…wait, calm down. Carly–” he hesitates for a moment. “Are you sure? Okay. I’ll be right there.” He hangs the phone up and put it back in his jeans. “I’ve got to go.”

“Is Carly all right?” Courtney asks quickly.

“She’s fine. But…she got a letter.” Jason turns towards the door and stares out of it. “From Elizabeth. There’s one for me and one for Sonny. I need to go.”

But I keep running

Dear Lucky,

God, there are so many things I want to tell you, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, I love you. You are one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I couldn’t begin to thank you for everything you’ve done.

You’ve got a wonderful family and an incredible network of friends who love you. Please always remember that. Remember that Luke loves you. When you were gone, it devastated him. And I don’t think he ever recovered. The only spark of life I saw from him was when he went to search for you.

I have faith that your mother will get well and that she will come home. I know that your mother and father will get that dream wedding and life will be good again. I know it.

Take care of yourself, Lucky. Remember that you are more than your father’s son and that you are a wonderful person.

Dreams of gold,
Elizabeth

Emily looks up from the letter, the tears streaking down her cheeks. “Lucky, this sounds like…”

“I know,” Lucky whispers. “It sounds like a suicide note.”

Her hands are shaking as she hands the letter back to him. “We…we have to find her now.”

Lucky nods and finally manages to unlock the door to the car. “Let’s go.”

I am running

Jason pushes open the door the penthouse and immediately is confronted with Carly. She shoves an envelope in his face. “There’s one for Sonny too.”

Jason takes it, but he doesn’t open it. “Carly, tell me what happened.”

“Max had them and he said that Elizabeth looked different when she dropped them off,” Carly begins, a hint of tears in her voice. “He said that when she was going, he told her he’d see her around and she told him that he wouldn’t. And I figured it just meant she was leaving town or whatever, but then I read the letter and Jason–”

“What’s in the letter?” Jason cut in.

Instead of answering him, she hands him the letter.

Dear Carly,

You and I didn’t get along. There’s no reason to lie and try and pretend that we ever more than uneasy allies.

I admire you, though. You knew what you wanted and you went after it. That takes a lot of courage and I admire that. You were right–I didn’t have the guts and I wasn’t good enough for Jason. I know that now.

My love is poison. It brings pain to anyone I come in contact with and I’ve finally gathered the courage to make that stop.

Take care of yourself, Carly. Never lose that fierce loyalty that makes you you. And take care of Sonny and Jason. They love you.

Good luck with the baby.

Elizabeth

Jason glances up sharply from the letter, his blue eyes boring into Carly. “Did Max say anything else? Anything about where she was headed?”

Carly shook her head. “No. God, Jason, that letter…why…it sounds like…”

She trails off, unable to finish speaking. She doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to even voice the suspicion.

Jason whips out his cell phone and dials his sister’s cell number.

I keep living for the day that I’m with you
And I am waiting
I am waiting

Elizabeth flips through the remaining letters. One for Zander, one for Emily, one for Bobbie, one for Luke and one for Nikolas. She’d included an extra for Laura in case she was in a position to read it one day.

Everyone was taken care of. She slips the letters in a mailbox and begins to walk.

I keep waiting for the day that I’m with you
A new day the sun is shining

“Hello?”

“Emily, it’s Jason. Have you found her?”

Emily glances at Lucky, whose hands are clutching the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are nearly white. “No.” Her voice is quiet. “How…?”

“Carly and I got letters. I haven’t read mine. They’re from Elizabeth and–“

“They sound sad. They’re full of why she loves you and wants you to be happy,” Emily says softly.

Jason is quiet for a moment. “You got one?”

“Lucky did. He’s worried. Her studio is packed up, the letter was waiting for him. We’re looking for her.”

“I want to help,” Jason replies. “Where are you going to look?”

“We’re going to places Elizabeth used to. The boxcar, Jake’s, um, Vista Point. Do you have anywhere to add?” Emily asks.

Jason’s quiet again. Then he says, “I’ve got a few ideas. Call me and leave a message if I don’t answer. I’ll be on my bike.”

Seems I’m closer to finding
That life is more than what we hide

Elizabeth arrives at the bridge. It’s dark now, a slight wind in the air. It lifts her hair and blows it slightly in her face.

She stares at the bridge in front of her, thinking once again of better times.

“So, you want to get back?”

“No, no. I probably should, though, huh? Oh, my god–“

“What?”

“You know what I just remembered? I think I was supposed to close up at Kelly’s tonight. Ooh — and I ran out on my shift. Oh, if Tammy couldn’t find anybody, she’s going to be stuck. I swear, if I were her, I would fire me.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“So, think I can steer?”

“No”.

” What if I told you it makes me feel alive?”

“I’d tell you to get your own motorcycle.”

“Oh, come on. You act as if I did a really bad job last time.”

“We almost crashed the last time, didn’t we?”

“Please.”

She wraps her arms around herself, feeling the tears brimming in her eyes. She hops up on the ledge and lets her legs dangle over the edge.

The water looks so dark, so cool from up here.

So welcoming.

No way that I am turning
As long as the sun is burning

“Her jacket’s here!” Emily calls. She picks it up, running her hand over the dark material. Lucky helps her out of the boxcar and he takes it from her.

“This is the jacket Jason gave her isn’t it?” he asks.

Emily nods. “That first Christmas after you…were gone. Look,” she says, spying the note.

Lucky unpins it and holds it up to the light of Emily’s flashlight. “To Jason,” he reads. “Thank you.”

Tears have been running down Emily’s cheeks pretty steadily since she left Kelly’s, but every time they find another clue of what Elizabeth plans to do, she begins to cry all over again.

The letter in Audrey’s mailbox, the ring at the site of Jason’s old garage. She prays that Jason can find her.

He’s always found her before.

Now it seems that all I want is you
I still feel the same

She’s sitting on the ledge of the bridge when he finally finds her. He takes hesitant steps toward her, unable to find the words to speak.

She stands suddenly, bracing her hands on the cool stone of the bridge. She’s standing now, facing the water, her arms straight out from her side.

And he can see her intention.

She tilts her head back, her dark hair cascading down her back. Her eyes are closed, her skin nearly white in the moonlight.

An odd time for him to realize just how beautiful she is.

“Elizabeth,” he breathes.

She hears him and turns towards him, letting her arms fall to her side. “What are you doing here?”

He steps towards her this time. “Don’t do it.”

She doesn’t deny it, doesn’t lie. She turns back around and sits back down. “Why not?” Her voice is dull, lacking the vitality that used to draw him to her.

“Why not?” he replies, surprised. “Why would you do it?”

“Because it would solve everyone’s problems.” Her words are recited, almost rehearsed.

He’s next to her now, his back leaning against the wall of the bridge. “How do you figure?”

“No one wants me around. Emily hates me, Zander refuses to talk to me. My grandmother barely notices my existence.” She shrugs limply. “Why not make it easier on everyone else?”

Though everything has changed
The pain it costs now
I feel lost inside of my own name

“I know…I know it’s been rough since Ric…”

“Don’t say his name.” The words are sharp, the first sign of life he’s seen in her. “Don’t remind me of him, I never want to hear his name again. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to think about the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

“Elizabeth…you’re better than this. You’re strong–”

“You don’t know me anymore, Jason. And I’m beginning to think you never did.”

“That’s not true,” Jason replies, a little stung. “Elizabeth–”

“I’m tired, Jason. I’m very tired.” She sighs. “I just want it to stop. I want it all to stop.”

“This isn’t the answer.”

“It isn’t up to you.” She shakes her head. “Just go home, Jason. Go home to Courtney and Carly and Sonny and your job. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Yes I do,” Jason says, firmly. “I always worry about you.” He reaches out and touches her arm. “I will always care about you, Elizabeth. Remember? You matter to me.”

“You don’t mean that,” she says quietly. “Because tomorrow you’ll be off worrying about someone else and trying to save them.”

But I keep running
I am running

“Then we’ll go somewhere,” Jason says quickly. “We’ll go to Italy.”

The word brings a small smile to her face and she turns to look at him. “Running doesn’t solve anything.”

“And neither does jumping off a bridge,” he tells her firmly. He holds out a hand. “Come on. We’ll go somewhere and talk.”

“I can’t.” Elizabeth shakes her head. “I can’t let you in again. I can’t do it.”

“Why not?” He’s almost desperate now. “Elizabeth–”

“Because the next time you run, it will kill me.” Her words are quiet but nonetheless manage to make him to take a step back.

“You ran, too,” is his only response.

“But you ran first.” She grips the ledge tightly. “You always run first.”

“Not this time.” He raises his hand again. “I won’t run. And if you try, I’ll come after you. Just…give me a chance to change.”

She turns then. She stares at his hand and then at him. “I’m scared,” she says finally. “I’m scared to trust you, to trust myself.”

“Then let me be strong enough for the both of us.” He steps back. “Let’s go.”

I keep living for the day that I’m with you
And I am waiting

Lucky pulls the car to a stop. “I don’t know where else to look,” he says finally. His voice is hoarse. He looks at Emily. “I’m scared.”

“I was so mean to her,” Emily murmurs. “I didn’t let her explain about Zander. I just…cut her off. I thought…oh, God, Lucky, after everything she’s done for me, how could I not see what was happening?”

A fresh new onslaught of tears began to fall. “She’s somewhere, alone and upset and isolated and depressed and we don’t know where!”

“I knew she was upset. I knew it was bad, I just…” Lucky shook his head. “I never thought…”

Emily’s cell phone rings. She answers it.

“Emily? I’ve got her.”

The tension spills out of her body at her brother’s words and she begins to cry again.

“What is it?” Lucky demands, panicked. “Emily!”

“He found her,” Emily manages to choke out. “Jason, is she okay? Where are you? I need to see her!”

“It’s okay, Em. We’re at the penthouse. She’s sleeping right now, but I’ll call you when she wakes up.”

“Thank you,” Emily whispers. “Thank you, Jason. For coming through again.”

“Elizabeth is going to be fine, Emily. I promise.”

I am waiting

He doesn’t read the letter she sent to him. These are things she wanted him to know after she was gone, it doesn’t feel right to read them now.

He stands just inside the door of the guest room and watches her sleep.

Somehow…he’s going to make this okay again.

He’s going to earn her trust and friendship back.

He’s going to be the kind of friend she deserves.

She rolls over in her sleep, letting out a small sound. Her eyes drift open to see him standing there. “Jason.”

“Are you okay?” he asks.

She sits up and brings her legs up to her chest. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” she murmurs. “Committing suicide. That would have been stupid.”

“It would have,” he agreed, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“I’m just tired, Jason,” Elizabeth tells him. “I’m just tired of being knocked down every time I think I’m making progress in my life. I miss…”

“What?” he prompts.

“You,” she admits. “Not…not like that, I mean. I just…you were my best friend. I miss talking to you, having fun, taking rides.” She shrugs. “I miss Emily and sharing hot chocolates while we gossip. I miss talking to Zander. I just…I’m tired of missing my friends.”

He brushes her hair away from her face. “We’ll fix it,” he tells her. “We’ll make it right, I promise.”

“You don’t make promises,” Elizabeth replies.

“I’m making this one,” Jason says. “And I’m keeping it.” He leans forward and kisses her forehead. “Get some sleep. Emily and Lucky are coming over in the morning.”

“Really?” Elizabeth softly, already laying back down. “Emily?”

“Yeah. She loves you, Elizabeth. I guess…I guess she needed to be reminded.” He stands and crosses to the door.

“Jason?” she calls.

“Yeah?” he asks, his hand on the door knob.

“Thank you for saving me.”

It’s dark in the room, the light from the hallway casting shadows over his face. She can see the slight smile on his face. “You saved yourself. I just gave you a ride home.”

I keep waiting for the day that I’m with you
That I’m with you

 

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