Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best
The best of you?
– Best of You, Foo Fighters
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Crimson Pointe: Terrace
Claudia paced from one end of the terrace to the other, her black stilettos clicking against the paving stones beneath her feet. She’d managed to keep her father happy with the news Johnny planned to call and make plans soon—
But the conversation with Jerry Jacks still echoed in her head, and no matter how she twisted, Claudia just couldn’t see a way out of this. Not one that kept her relationship with her brother intact. He needed to get into Jason’s circle of trust.
The door behind her opened, and Claudia turned. Ric stepped out, a jacket in one hand, and a wine glass in the other. He handed her the wine, then dropped the jacket on her shoulders. “It’s too cold to be out here in that dress,” he told her, stepping back. “And you look like you need a drink.”
“I need the bottle,” she muttered. She swirled the dark red liquid, then tilted the glass back, drinking half the contents in one desperate gulp. “And don’t look at me that way.”
“What way?” He tipped his head, his eyes soft. But she wasn’t going to fall for that. Nope.
“Like you’re not waiting for the first chance to throw me under the bus so you can look good in front of my father. I know you, Ric,” Claudia bit out. “You and me, we’re the same. Look out for number one. No one else matters.”
“And that’s why we get along so well. How do you know I can’t help you and keep things good with Anthony? I’ve got a lot of experience playing both sides.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet.” Her fingers tightened around the stem of the glass. “Even if I needed help—which I don’t—I wouldn’t ask a lawyer, that’s for damn sure. I just—” Claudia hesitated. “I made a mistake, and I can fix it. I can do that, I’m a big girl.”
“Are you telling me or yourself?”
“Ah, to hell with this.” She shoved the wine and jacket at him, then stalked inside.
General Hospital: Robin’s Room
“I want to count her fingers again,” Robin said to Patrick, her voice still a bit hoarse. “I know there were ten the last time—”
“And the time before,” he added, but was smiling. “But go ahead. Let’s see if she lost a finger or two since then.”
“You’re making fun of me,” Robin accused, shifting their daughter in her arms, wincing as she moved the bottom half of her body. “Oh, man. That’s going to hurt forever.”
“Well, it’s not like labor is easy. I still have claw marks on my arm—”
“Very funny.” Robin held out the bundle, and Patrick accepted, still marveling at how light the baby felt. Nothing more than a bundle of feathers, he thought. Robin laid her head back against the pillow, closing her eyes. Her eyes fluttered again, and found his. “We have a baby. She’s here.”
Months of terror had led to this scrap of human in his arms. Patrick gazed down at the miniature face, her tiny fists covered with white mittens to protect her skin.
“Hey.” A soft knock drew his attention and he looked over to find Elizabeth stepping inside the room. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
Robin’s eyes opened again, and she grinned. “Elizabeth. I made a baby.”
“Yeah, you did,” Elizabeth said, returning the broad smile. “Let me see!”
Reluctantly, Patrick placed her in Elizabeth’s arms. “Careful, she’s—” He winced when Elizabeth just arched a brow. “Right. Forgot who I was talking to.”
“That’s okay. You’re a first time daddy, you’re allowed to be overprotective. Oh, look at her little mouth and that nose! She looks just like you, Robin,” Elizabeth said. “What’s her name?”
“Emma.” Robin reached for Patrick’s hand. “Emma Grace. We wanted something for Emily, but not quite Emily, you know? In case Jason—well, I guess in case you and Jason want to do something one day.”
“Oh, wow, I don’t know about that, but Emma is a beautiful name.” Elizabeth’s eyes glimmered with tears. “She’s so beautiful, you guys. Absolutely perfect. You did good work. I’m so happy for you.”
“It’s hard to think about life moving forward sometimes,” Robin said, her eyes open fully now. “This little girl is here, and down the hall, a few flights down…” She chewed on her bottom lip. “Gossip says he’s being moved sometime next week.”
“Yeah. Yeah, they’re talking about it.” Elizabeth swayed, rocking the baby in her arms. “I’ll make sure you find out when. In case you want to…I don’t know. I know how close you were.”
“Seems almost unfair, doesn’t it?” Robin said as Elizabeth handed Emma back to her. “Here I am, with everything I ever wanted. A perfect baby. Great friends. Hot fiancé.”
“Hey. I’m not just a set of dimples you know,” Patrick said, and she grinned.
“I said what I said.” Robin looked back at Elizabeth. “Here I am with the whole world at my feet, and there’s so many who didn’t get this far. Stone. Lily.” Her eyes were pained. “Georgie. Emily. Michael. Now Sonny. You start to wonder why you get the good fortune, and they don’t.”
“Hey,” Patrick said, a bit uncomfortable. “You deserve all this—”
“So did Michael. He was such a sweet little boy. You remember him, don’t you, Elizabeth? He had the loveliest smile as a baby.” Robin closed her eyes. “I loved him like he was my own, you know. It killed me when she came back. When she took my life. My baby. My love.”
Patrick stroked her hair. “That was a long time ago, sweetheart.”
“I know. I know. And it worked out for the best because I have you and I have Emma. And Jason, I’m glad for him, too. He has you.” Robin met Elizabeth’s eyes. “But Michael. I know it sounds awful, but there’s something about your firstborn. I know Michael wasn’t ours. But we loved him. We loved him so much. And now he’s gone, and we never get to find out who he would have been.”
“Hey.” Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bed. “It doesn’t sound awful at all. I know how much Jason loves Michael. And you, I’m so sorry I didn’t think of how it might hit you.”
“I didn’t either, but Emma, she’s here. I get to hold her. And there hasn’t really been another baby I’ve loved like her except him—” She exhaled slowly. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I just—it hit me all at once. Hormones,” she managed.
“You never have to apologize,” Patrick told her, then met Elizabeth’s eyes, gave her a look. She nodded.
“I’m totally abusing my power and visiting after hours, but I couldn’t stand to wait another minute. I absolutely plan to spend every break here tomorrow,” she warned Robin, then kissed her cheek. “Why don’t you get some sleep? You’ll need it, I promise.”
“Let me take Emma so she can nap,” Patrick told Robin. “I’ll walk Elizabeth to elevator.” He kissed her forehead, settled Emma in her bassinet.
Out in the hallway, Elizabeth cleared her throat. “You’re not angry at her, are you? Because—”
“God, no. I just feel like a heel for never really thinking about her past with Michael. She mentioned it, but I don’t think I realized until right now how all of that must felt.” He folded his arms, absently rubbing his bicep with one hand. “I wasn’t here for any of that.” He looked at Elizabeth. “How’s, uh, Jason with that?”
“Managing. Better than he was. But next week—” She sighed. “I’m just—I understand what Robin’s thinking. Because I have what I want, too. Perfect little boys who are happy and healthy. A wonderful man that loves me. Supportive family, friends. And I look at Jason, even Carly, Monica—and I just think—how much loss should one family have to face?”
Morgan Penthouse: Living Room
After dinner, Jason volunteered to handle clean up and bedtime so that Elizabeth could go to the hospital and see Robin and the baby. He’d go another time, or when Robin was home, he assured her.
After putting the dishes in the dishwasher, and a bath that had left both boys clean but the towels soaked, Jason settled them downstairs on the sofa with some toys and Chuggin’ Charlie on the television. He’d hoped to get through some paperwork before it was bedtime, but Cameron wanted him to play.
And maybe one day Jason would say no to that request, but after the conversation at the coffee house earlier, it wasn’t going to be today.
Cameron explained all the superheroes to him, patiently holding each one up, reciting their name, powers, and some backstory that Jason knew he wouldn’t keep straight and wasn’t sure how a four-year-old could.
Cameron went over to the toy box and returned with a doll with blonde hair. “This is the victim. We save her,” he told Jason. “You be Deadpool and I be Spiderman.”
“Me.” Jake came over, picked up a blue toy with the American flag. “Me, Cam. I be Blue.”
Cameron made a face. “You’re not big enough to be Cap.” He rooted around in his plastic box, handed Jake a plastic doll. “You be Venom. He’s bad guy. He kidnap princess, and Spiderman and Deadpool save him.”
Jake threw the figurine. “Not bad guy! I good guy!”
Jason scratched his forehead. “Cameron, does it matter which one he plays?”
Cameron looked aggrieved, so clearly it mattered a lot but then looked at his little brother with his eyes shimmering with tears. “Okay. You Cap, but Spiderman in charge.”
Jake beamed, his fingers grasped around the blue superhero. “I Cap, Daddy. See?” He held it out for Jason to examine. “He blue. I like blue.”
“I see that. Blue’s a good color.” Jason made a show of examining the toy, then looked up to see Cameron watching them. “Spiderman’s blue, too,” he said, a bit hesitantly, unsure if he’d unwittingly showed a preference between the two.
“You Jake’s Daddy. He calls you that every day.”
Jason sat back against the sofa, stretched out his legs. “Uh, yeah, I guess he does.” He had, in fact, done it more regularly lately, Jason thought. “Is that okay?”
Cameron pursed his lips. He sat back on his heels. He looked down at his toy, moving Spiderman’s leg back and forth. “Me and Jake used to have the same daddy. I don’t got one now.”
Jason went still because this wasn’t a conversation he’d been expecting or prepared for. Not this way. Not without Elizabeth. “Why do you think that?”
“Daddy took us to Grammys and said he’d come back.” Cameron looked at him, and the sadness in his’s eyes made him want to hunt Lucky Spencer down and disembowel him. “He not come back. But we come here with Grammy. I like it.”
“I like it, too,” Jason said carefully. “I like having you both here. And your mother.”
“And Snelli sometimes,” Cameron said. “But how come Jake call you Daddy? Why do he got a different daddy? Where did mine go?”
Jason considered the question, looked at Jake, then at Cameron again. “There are a lot of ways to make a family. You and your mother are family because of blood. And love.”
“She made me in her tummy like she make Jake. She said I was safe and warm until I was ready, and she let me feel Jake kick. That’s why she’s my mommy.”
“That’s right. Sometimes, two people—they love each other and they make a baby together that lives in the mommy’s tummy for a while.”
“You and Mommy make Jake?” Cameron said. He looked at his brother, furrowed his brow. “Who make me with Mommy?”
“His name was Zander. He died before you were born. Like Aunt Emily.”
“Oh.” Cameron considered this. “But I had a daddy. Me and Jake have a daddy. You and Mommy didn’t make me?”
“No, I wish we had,” Jason told him. He reached for Cameron, and the four-year-old came easily, sitting in Jason’s lap. “Families can be made because they share blood. That’s you and your mommy and Jake. But they can also be made from choice. Aunt Emily was my sister, but our mother didn’t make us. She chose us to raise and love. And Aunt Carly. She’s my family because we chose her, so you and Jake are her family, too. And Morgan. Aunt Bobbie chose your mother, so she’s yours. There are a lot of ways to be a family, Cam.”
“I like choosing. I choosed Morgan, and Aunt Car and Aunt Bobbie and Uncle Nik and Aunt Lu—” Cameron blinked. “But my daddy stopped choosing me. He went away. He said he come back and he never come back.” He was quiet. “Are you going away?”
“No. I’m not going anywhere. Every day, I take you to school, and what do I tell you?”
“You say you see me after. And you always come back.” Cameron’s lips curved into a smile, and his face lit up. “You choose me?”
“I choose you,” Jason said. “Every day forever. I choose you and your mother and your brother.”
Cameron laid his head against Jason’s shoulder. “Okay. I choose you, too. Now me and Jake have the same daddy again.”
“Yeah.” Jason kissed the top of his head, gathered Jake to his other side. “Yeah, you do.”
General Hospital: Nursery
After leaving Elizabeth at the elevator, Patrick had convinced Robin to take Emma to the nursery so that Robin could get some real rest. It had been a battle, but Patrick had promised to check on their daughter often until Robin woke up.
Now, he stood in front of the glass window watching the row of babies, watching his daughter sleep, her little fists raised up on either side.
She was here. She was real. He was a father.
He heard the squeak of shoes against the linoleum and looked up, saw Matt standing not far away, indecision in his expression. The younger man didn’t move closer, but he didn’t leave either.
Patrick looked back at Emma. “I never wanted to be a father,” he said. “Never wanted to fall in love. Never wanted my father’s life. To love someone so much that the loss destroys you.”
Matt stepped up to the glass but remained several feet away from him. “How’s that going for you?”
Patrick’s lips twitched. “Terribly. I fought it every step of the way, but I can’t imagine my life without Robin. And this little girl…” He laid a hand against the glass window. “I don’t know how he did it. How he could walk away from you. I don’t know what kind of man could do that.” He looked at Matt. “Do you ever wonder if there are more—if we have more siblings?”
“No. And I don’t want to know. I—I didn’t know you were here. I wouldn’t have come if I did.” Matt paused. “I thought about what you said a few weeks ago. About being family. I don’t—I don’t think I can.”
Patrick nodded, finally looking at his brother again. “Okay.”
Matt frowned. “Okay?” he echoed.
“Okay,” Patrick repeated. “That’s how I felt a few months ago. And that’s how you feel right now. I thought I was better off alone, and I didn’t change my mind about that overnight. Maybe you won’t. But I meant what I said. You know where to find me if you change your mind. It doesn’t have to be today. Next month. Or next year. I’m here.” He looked back at his daughter, his throat tightening. “Because I know what kind of man I’m going to be. I don’t walk away from my family. And that includes you. If you ever want it.”
Spencer House: Driveway
Elizabeth parked in the driveway behind a car with rental tags. She stared at it for a long moment, then looked up at the house — it had been such a touchstone once, of the life and love she’d wanted. She’d dreamed of being part of the Spencer family until it became a crutch keeping her standing. When given the chance to live in that house, to carry on Laura’s legacy and raise her babies in that dream, she had leapt at it, sure that she’d finally be happy.
But she should have remembered how much of the Spencer family love and strength was a myth, a facade that had crumbled when Laura had faltered, tipped from her pedestal. She’d never really known Luke and Laura the way Lucky had, but he’d told her so many stories, painted such a golden childhood that she’d fallen in love with the fantasy. Had stayed in love with the mirage far longer than the man.
Elizabeth climbed out of the car, headed up the walk towards the house hesitating when the door opened and Lucky stepped out. He remained up on the porch, and she at the bottom of the steps, just looking at each other for a long moment.
“I heard your car.” Lucky slid his hands in his pockets, came forward a few steps, and she walked up the steps but didn’t reach the top. “I guess your grandmother called you.”
“She did.”
For so many weeks, she’d wondered about this moment. What would she feel when she looked at Lucky again — this man around whom she had wrapped so much of her identity? So much of her self-worth, self-respect, her life—
“I never really apologized to you,” Elizabeth said, and she could see that her words had startled Lucky, nearly as much as they’d surprised her. But once she’d spoken them, the rest flowed easily as if they’d been stored inside of her from the beginning, and she’d only had to tap into it. “For lying to you about Jake. It was cruel to do that to you, to Jason, and to Jake. Maybe I could live with it if I thought you were the better man, the better father, but you’re not. And I never believed you were.”
“This is an apology?” Lucky asked, lifting his brows. “Because you suck at them.”
“I was ashamed of what I’d done to Jason, the lies I’d told him, the ways I’d hurt him, but I wasn’t sorry for what I did to you. I am now. Because you thought it meant I chose you, and you need to know I didn’t. I chose to be safe, to cling to what was familiar. But I never thought you were the better choice for Jake.”
“Christ, Elizabeth—” He flinched. “That’s a hell of a thing to say to me now—”
“I can’t let you think for one more minute that I chose you. You think that’s what I was doing when I lied about it. What I was doing when I let the lie continue last year, and it’s not. I chose safety,” Elizabeth repeated, and he looked at her again. “But you think it gave you power. That it gave you the right to push me around. To stand in that emergency room, and in front of Jason, wield that power to send Sam to my grandmother’s house to pick up the boys. You thought you had the power in this, and you didn’t. That’s my fault, and for that I’m sorry. Because you learned on a very difficult night that you were the only one who had no say in what happened to Jake. For that, Lucky, for making you believe I ever thought you were better, I am sorry.”
Lucky exhaled slowly, looked away. “Well, if you wanted to pay me back for the horrible way I handled all of that, you’re doing it—”
“No, there’s nothing I could say that would ever make me feel better about what you did. Because you didn’t do it to me. I was unconscious. You were already gone and out of the picture by the time I woke up. You did that to my grandmother who had always supported you. Even when I wanted to give up, Gram encouraged me to keep trying. You did that to her, Lucky. And you did it to Cameron.”
“He didn’t even know—”
“He was on the stairs that morning. He watched you leave.”
Lucky shook his head. “No, no he wasn’t—I didn’t—” He raised a fist in front of his mouth. “No.”
“He was there when you closed the door. And he knew you were leaving. He’s asked for you. For days after that. Where’s Daddy? When is Daddy coming back—”
“Stop it—”
“Daddy said he’d come back,” Elizabeth continued, and Lucky closed his mouth. “Why didn’t he come back? Was I bad? Tell him I’ll be good.”
“I didn’t think—”
“No, you didn’t think about Cameron. You don’t have to tell me that. You weren’t thinking about him when you slept with Maxie, when you let me send him to stay with my grandmother while you detoxed, and then kept taking the pills. You didn’t think about Cameron when you slept with Sam. You didn’t think of Cameron, Lucky, because you just don’t think about him. You were hurt and you were furious with Jason for throwing his weight around, and you decided to make me pay for it. But I wasn’t there. I’m not the one that dealt with it. Gram was. She wanted to be with me at the hospital, but she couldn’t. You made sure of that.”
“I was dealing with a lot, okay? Maybe you were unconscious and can’t appreciate what happened, but Lulu had a breakdown. Just like my mother.” Lucky dragged a hand through his head. “What if it’s genetic? What if happens to me? I was—”
“Overwhelmed, I know.” Elizabeth’s throat was tight. “Kate was shot that day, and Sonny was running around like a lunatic, assaulting people, getting arrested. I was in surgery, and somehow, Jason didn’t get too overwhelmed to handle everything. He made sure Gram was kept in the loop, Carly took the boys so that Gram could be with me, and then, even when I was in surgery, nearly dead from complications, and Sonny was shot in the head, Jason took Cameron to school and picked him up.”
“Oh, come on—” Lucky rolled his eyes. “He’s so perfect, right?”
“No, he’s not.” She paused, waited for him to look at her again, for their eyes to meet. “But he’s better than you. I just wanted to make sure you know that in every way that matters, you will never measure up to him. I know that bothers you,” she continued, and he scowled. “You’ve always thought you were runner up to him. Always thought I was settling for you.”
Elizabeth paused again. “You’re right. It was always going to be Jason for me, and it was wrong of me to lie to you. To make you think you were the better man. I’d hate for you to come all the way back here and think there was a chance that you were ever going to come near my sons again. They have a father who loves them now. Who won’t walk out on them because he’s having a bad day. So do whatever you have to here, but Cameron and Jake aren’t part of it. Go back to California, build that new life, and forget they ever existed. Because I promise you, Jason and I will make sure that they never remember you.”
Jacks Estate: Kitchen
Carly went to the fridge. “What are we in the mood for tonight, buddy?” she called over her shoulder to Morgan at the table. I’ve got—” Frozen pizza, frozen chicken nuggets, and leftovers from the night before. She wrinkled her nose. Maybe it was time to think of some full-time help. A housekeeper and cook.
“Dinosaurs,” Morgan told her, then reached for his milk. “My favorite.”
“Oh, thank God.” Carly picked up the green and white bag, then closed the door. The bag went flying and she yelped when she saw Jax standing in the doorway of the kitchen. “You scared the crap out of me! What are you doing?”
“Sorry, sorry—” Jax crouched down to pick up the nuggets. “I see we’re having Morgan’s favorite dinner. Our little gourmet.”
“Jax, Jax!” Morgan slid out of the chair and ran across the room. Jax caught him, swinging him up in his arms, tossing the nuggets to the counter.
“Hey, kiddo. I’ve missed you.”
Deciding not to argue in front of Morgan, Carly picked up the bag and went to the oven. She studied the preheating instructions, then clicked a few buttons. “Is this a social call or—”
“No, well, yes.” Jax set Morgan on the counter, ruffled his hair. “I was driving past the house, and I just thought about you. About Morgan. And I took a chance.”
“We should—” Carly glanced at him, then at the large smile on her son’s face. “We should make some sort of…plan. I mean, if you want. For—you should see Morgan. If that’s what you want.”
“That would be—I would like that.” Jax set Morgan on his feet. “Why don’t you go pick out a movie for us to watch, buddy? Mom will make some nuggets, and we’ll eat in the media room.”
“Awesome!” Morgan pumped his fist in the air and ran out of the room.
“I don’t want it to be like this, Carly. Setting up visitation, custody arrangements—” Jax came closer to her. “What you did for Kate, keeping her in the loop, that was—it was kind of you.”
“Surprised, right? Didn’t know I had it in me?” Carly made a face, then went back to rolling out the foil for the sheet pan. “You’re always so stunned when I show common sense and empathy. Couldn’t understand why I looked after the boys for Elizabeth, why I’m making sure Kate can be part of Sonny’s care. I’m just waiting for the snide comment about me handling it in the first place?”
“Have we fallen so far from where we were?” Jax asked, and she sighed, rubbed her brow. “I assumed you were handling things because Jason’s taken on so much. I know from some, uh, experience, that acquiring a ready made family takes adjustment, and Elizabeth was recovering. It was good of you, to give him that space—”
“There it is again. That tone. You don’t expect me to be a good person, a caring friend—”
“About Elizabeth? No. I don’t. And you were angry about the wedding, angry about Kate—”
“Not because—” Carly closed her eyes, put her hands on the counter, dipped her head. “Sonny destroyed my life when he took my son into that warehouse. Michael isn’t dead, but he might as well be. And then—then I made that awful, stupid decision to—and when the truth came out, you left. And you were—you were right to leave. I’m not mad that you left.”
“But Kate didn’t.”
“No. Sonny got to go on planning a future like he wasn’t the one that took a chainsaw to mine. I got out, I got away from him, and I was happy, and with one decision—” She looked at him, pressed her hands to her chest. “It’s like he carved the heart out of me, and there was nothing left. Nothing left for you and for Morgan. Now he’s—he’s gone, but not gone. Just like Michael. This awful halfway where I don’t know whether to mourn or to hope—and everyone just keeps going on, they just keep moving, and I don’t understand how—”
Jax came forward, as if to take her in his arms but she shoved him back, her voice breaking. “No! No! You don’t get to come here and pat me on my head because I did something nice, okay? You don’t get to come here and pretend like you care about me when we both know you’ll thrown Sonny in my face the next chance you get—”
“I won’t—”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t.” She kept her hand outstretched, then curled it in a fist, looked at him. “You can stay for dinner. Morgan misses you. If you want to spend time with him, I won’t stop you. Sonny’s not here to complain, and Morgan shouldn’t lose anyone else. But I can’t do this. I can’t. I have to make arrangements to move Sonny to Silver Water, and I can’t look at you while I do that.”
Jax stepped back, took a deep breath. “You’re still angry for what I did.”
“And you’re still angry at me.” She met his eyes, and he looked away. “Yes. Yes, I am still angry. Because Jason still can’t look at Sonny. Morgan can’t ever be with his father again. These are the two most important people in my life, and what you did to them hurt them irrevocably.”
“You’d have done the same. If it were Jason in that bed, and Elizabeth desperate to see him—” Jax snapped, but he stopped, winced. “That’s not—”
“Well, since I’m so awful, then I’m doing us both a favor. Why don’t you finish the damn nuggets. Have a guys night with Morgan. I need to get out.” She headed for the door, snatching up her purse on the way out.
Morgan Penthouse: Living Room
Elizabeth dropped her bag on the desk, and draped her coat over the back of the desk chair. “Hey. Sorry I’m later than I thought I’d be.”
Jason tossed the last toy into the box, then crossed the room to slide his arms around her waist, leaning in for a kiss. “There’s no curfew,” he reminded her. She kept one arm around his waist as they went to the sofa, and sat down. “How was Robin? The baby?”
“The baby is perfect. They named her Emma.” Elizabeth laid her head on his shoulder. “She got a little emotional, remembering Michael. I thought—I don’t know if it’s something you’d want to talk to her about. You guys have such a special history. I know it’s hard to talk about, but maybe it’ll be easier with her.”
“It’s not—” Jason hesitated, then exhaled slowly, looking towards the fireplace, at the flicking flames. “Maybe you’re right,” he said, surprising himself. “Robin was there from almost the beginning. We…she really loved him. I don’t think I really understood what she was going through when Carly came home. I got to keep being Michael’s father, and she…”
“Had to stop being his mother,” Elizabeth said, and Jason nodded. “I…after that, I went to see Lucky.”
“You did?” Jason shifted slightly and she moved away so that they were looking at each other. “I thought you were going to wait to see if he reached out.”
“I was. But talking to Robin about Michael…it made me think about Lucky. Lying to him about Jake. Continuing the lie.” She folded one leg beneath her. “I was wrong on every level for how I handled that. Letting everyone believe what Carly thought was the truth, not telling Lucky once I’d made the decision to tell you. I wish I hadn’t done that. I wish I hadn’t told you and kept lying.”
“You did the best you could—”
“I love that you believe that.” Elizabeth tipped her head to the side, her lips curved. “You always give me the benefit of the doubt, even when I haven’t earned it. I told you in that elevator because I couldn’t stand not to tell you anymore. You’d risked your life to save me, to save the baby, and I was so scared—” She touched her middle, no longer rounded with child. “So scared that I hadn’t felt him move, and then I did, and I just—I needed you to know. But I never should have done that and continued that horrible lie. I’d do anything to change it.”
“It’s okay.” Jason reached for her hand, stroked the back of her fingers. “We’re here now, and we’re not going back. How did it go with Lucky?”
“I didn’t really give him a chance to say anything. I didn’t go there to hear his side, to see what he thought or wanted. Because it doesn’t matter. I know everything I need to. I apologized for lying to him, for letting him think he was in control. You never should have been standing there in the emergency room, listening to him talk about what was going to happen to your son. After everything else — he did that because he thought he could, and that’s something I let happen.”
“I needed to stand up and stop it. To stop making it your decision,” Jason told her. “I’m glad I did that. I had to stop reacting, letting everything happen around me.”
“I can still be annoyed he did it, and that I created that situation. Jason, do you know his defense? How he explained dumping the boys with Gram, dropping their things, and leaving that way? He was overwhelmed,” she said. “Overwhelmed. Because Lulu had a terrible setback, he couldn’t handle that and being humiliated by you. So he lashed out, abandoned the boys he said he loved like his own, and left without a goodbye. No word for five weeks.”
Jason opened his mouth, then closed it, looked away.
“And all I could think about was that night we argued, when I kept pushing and pushing, and you finally told me that you’d shut down. That you’d heard about Sonny and you’d just stopped feeling.” Her voice thickened, and he looked back to see her eyes glimmering with tears. “Hit after hit after hit, you absorbed it all. Emily, Alan, Michael, everything I threw at you, being on trial, everything Sam threw at you, Spinelli getting hurt, Kate getting shot, my accident, my setback, and then Sonny was just it. The last thing you could handle. But you still—you still took Cameron to school. You dropped him off, you picked him up. You sat with Jake. And they never knew anything was wrong.”
“I don’t—” Jason shifted, shook his head. “They had nothing to do with any of that. I’m glad I had them, to be able to focus on nothing but Cameron and the drive to school. I know you think I was doing that to make up for all the times I couldn’t, but it was…” He hesitated. “The best part of my day,” he said finally. “Listening to Cameron in the backseat, talk about anything and everything that came in his head. It was a relief to just listen to him and live in his world for just a little while. Having them to focus on, to look after — I don’t know.”
“It’s what a parent does. We don’t have a choice. They’re helpless children who didn’t ask to be in the world, and it’s our job to keep them safe and happy. You did that for my boys.”
“They’re ours,” Jason corrected, and she smiled. “Cameron—he asked about Jake. Calling me daddy. I could have waited for you, but—”
“I trust you to know how to handle those questions,” she interrupted, and he nodded. “Did he ask about Lucky?”
“He did. I avoided saying anything about him directly or why he didn’t come back. He might bring it up to you or not. I told him about Monica. That she didn’t share my blood or Emily’s, but that she chose us to love, to take care of. And he, uh, told me he wanted to choose me.” Jason smiled, in spite of himself, and looked at Elizabeth who was beaming. “So, that’s what happened.”
“We’re going to be all right,” she said. She curled back into his arms, and he wrapped her tight in his embrace. “No, better than that. We’re going to be happy.”
