And you wanna scream
Don’t call me “kid”
Don’t call me “baby”
Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me
You showed me colors
You know I can’t see with anyone else

---

February 2001

The alley was bitterly cold, their breaths little puffs of air, and yet, all she could feel inside of herself was more ice. It seeped in from the pores of her skin, down into the marrow of her bones, until she was frozen inside and out.

They stood on either side of his bike, but it might as well have been the Grand Canyon. She’d done the hard part — she’d told him that they couldn’t see each other anymore. And yet, here they stood, carefully avoiding each other’s eyes, and somehow this felt like the worst part.

She’d told him her decision, and now she had to go inside and make it real.

She licked her lips. “Thank you for the ride,” Elizabeth said softly.

He looked at her then, his beautiful blue eyes unreadable. Her heart was pounding so fast and loud she could hear it in her ears. “Sure,” Jason replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

The exchange finally dislodged her feet and she started past him, towards the back door of Kelly’s. But his hand snagged her elbow, and she turned slightly, looked at him. Their eyes met and now she couldn’t look away.

“The statue of the girl,” Elizabeth found herself saying, “was she wearing a long dress or a short dress?”

Jason’s eyes squinted slightly at the inane question, but maybe he understood why she was asking it. Because she needed something—anything—to prolong this moment. “Long,” he said.

“Is she smiling?” Because Elizabeth couldn’t imagine herself ever smiling again, and why did it hurt so badly to walk away from Jason? They were friends, in and out of each other’s lives—why did it feel like she was slicing off a piece of her soul—

Jason looked away. “I don’t know. Why don’t you hike up and see it? Maybe you can go with Lucky.”

Her lungs seized and tears stung. “No—” God no. She’d never take Lucky somewhere Jason had shown her—could never see him there— “I hate this.” The truth slid from her lips before she could stop them.

He looked back at her, his gaze focused, sharp. “Then why are you doing it?”

An excellent question. She reached for the answer she’d given him earlier, but somehow because her boyfriend didn’t like them being friends didn’t answer the question anymore.

Why did Lucky hate Elizabeth having a male friend? He was fine with Nikolas. Because he sees what you won’t say out loud.

She licked her lips. “Because Lucky—because he doesn’t trust me.” She swallowed hard. “He doesn’t trust me.”

“Elizabeth—”

“And he’s right.”  Admitting that, God, it was so freeing. The weight lifted from her shoulders, even as the first tear escaped, frozen to her cheek within seconds. “He’s right. Because the idea of never seeing you again, it hurts too much, and it shouldn’t. You’re not supposed to matter this way.”

“Don’t—don’t cry—” Jason stepped towards her, their bodies nearly brushing against each other. “It kills me—” He raised his hand to her cheek, his thumb caressing the trail left by the tears.

She was never quite sure who made the first move, but later, she thought it might have been her. She lifted her chin, leaned in, but he was already tilting his head, and then his mouth was closing over hers. His hand, still on her cheek, slid around to the back of her neck, drawing her in closer. The ice in her veins burned away, leaving nothing but heat and urgency because now that she’d given in to what she’d wanted to do for weeks—

There was a slamming of a door.  Jason broke away, and Elizabeth spun around, her eyes wide. The back door to Kelly’s had opened, then slammed shut. Someone had come out, seen them, then run back inside.

Elizabeth exhaled slowly, then looked back at Jason, her pulse racing. Oh, God. She’d done the unthinkable, what she’d only dreamt about—

She touched her lips with the tips of her trembling fingers. “Oh, that was a bad idea,” she breathed.

“Elizabeth—”

“I—I shouldn’t have d-done that—”

“We did that,” Jason said, almost roughly. “You know there’s something between us— it’s why Lucky wanted you to stay away from me.” His blue eyes were hot and impatient. “Are you going to give him what he wants?”

“I—” She swallowed hard. “I should. That’s—that’s what I should want to do, right? Because I promised him, but—” Elizabeth inhaled sharply. “But it’s not what I want.”

“What do you want?” he murmured, caressing her cheek again. She leaned into it, closing her eyes. What would those hands feel like all over—

Her eyes snapped open and she spoke the first words that leapt to mind. “I want to get on your bike and never look back.”

He went to the bike, retrieved the helmet. “Then, let’s go.”

Was it really that easy? Elizabeth wondered. To throw away everything for— She looked at Jason. What was she really throwing away? Maybe it was time to run towards something and not away.

She took the helmet.

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