You knew it still hurts underneath my scars
From when they pulled me apart
But what you did was just as dark
Darling, this was just as hard
As when they pulled me apart

---

February 2007

“What about our baby?”

He asked the question, but he knew what she’d say next. What she always said next. How many years had he been trapped in this vicious cycle? One step forward, five steps back, and somehow, Jason never got to be the one who came out ahead. He was always somewhere back at the starting line, never sure why no one had even told him they were competing.

Elizabeth looked at him for a long moment, her beautiful blue eyes heavy with sorrow, and he knew the answer. She wanted him to let her keep living the lie, to keep pretending that Lucky Spencer would ever make her happy—

She opened her mouth to say the words that would reach inside his chest, rip out his heart, and grind beneath the heel of her shoe—

But somehow, this time, he stopped it. He held up a hand. “Don’t say it.” Elizabeth closed her eyes, bewildered. “I can’t hear you say it.”

“Jason—” She sucked in a shaky sob. “Don’t do this—”

“Don’t do what?”  he managed. “Be hurt? Angry?” He shook his head, looked out over the horizon. Even now, he wasn’t really angry with her. Not deep down. Even when she deserved it. He should be. She’d lied to him for months—

But he’d started it by accepting Carly’s words as the truth, and he’d never given her the space to tell the truth. No one had. She’d finally done it, and he’d thought they’d turned a corner.

“You said it yourself,” Elizabeth said. “Sam would be so hurt—”

“I know that—” Jason winced, exhaled, and shook his head. “I know. But I can’t let that matter.” He looked at her, really looked at her, letting everything he felt show in his eyes—the bewilderment, the hurt — “Is Lucky a better father than me?”

“No! Of course not—”

“Then why? I’m telling you I want to be this child’s father. I’m telling you how much it matters to me—” His voice was rough, almost broken, because why wasn’t he ever good enough? “And you’re going to take that away from me.”

Tears shimmered, then slid down her cheeks. “I just—the truth is going to hurt so many people—”

“Are you sorry that this baby is mine?” he cut in.

“No, I told you on the elevator—” She closed her eyes, turned away. She flattened both her hands against the ledge. “But how can you believe me when I’m doing this to you?” she said almost to herself. “How did I get myself right back into this situation?”

“Elizabeth—”

“I keep doing and saying the wrong thing, and all I do is hurt people. Nothing I do is ever right. I’m so tired, Jason. Of hurting you. I don’t know why I keep doing it. I knew what I was asking was awful. Terrible. Especially after Alan, and I was doing it anyway.” She looked at him. “I keep hurting you. Why? Why do I always pick the wrong choice?”

“What do you want?” he asked, taking her by the shoulder. “If you really want Lucky, if you want to rebuild your life with him, I can accept that. I know you loved him before he got hurt. I know how seriously you take your promises. You married him, Elizabeth. That matters to you. But what kind of life can you have built on a lie?”

Her lip trembled. “I don’t know.”

“You’re asking me this because you know he won’t marry you again if he knew.”

She closed her eyes, nodded. “No. He’d be furious.” She opened her eyes again, tears clinging to her lashes. “You asked me to marry you even before you knew this baby was yours. Did you mean that?”

Startled, Jason dragged a hand through his hair. “Y-Yes. I meant it. Every time I asked you—”

“Says something doesn’t it.” Her exhale was shaky. “I’m not going to ask you. You deserve better. My child deserves better,” she murmured. “Lucky wouldn’t have gone to rehab if he’d known. I wasn’t enough.”

“Elizabeth.”

“Cameron and I weren’t enough to get sober. That’s why I left. Why I divorced him. And this baby was only enough because it was supposed to be his.” She cleared her throat. “I’m not asking you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I started this conversation, I’m sorry I put you through any of this.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” Jason said, touching her shoulder. “I just want you to be okay. To be happy.”

“Happy,” she repeated, with a sigh. “I’m not sure I even know what that is anymore. You weren’t even angry with me. Frustrated. Disappointed. Hurt. But not angry.” She looked at him, her eyes searching his. “Why aren’t you ever angry with me? Why do you let me keep hurting you like this?”

“I—” Jason exhaled slowly. “Because you’re usually hurting yourself worse than whatever you’re doing to me. You’re the one that would have had to live with this lie, Elizabeth. Day in and day out. Watching Lucky with this baby, knowing it’s not his. What if he looks like me? How long before the guilt would eat you alive? I know you, Elizabeth. You always put Lucky first, and you think that’s what you’re doing now. But maybe Lucky deserves better, too.”

“Maybe we all do.” She rubbed her cheek, then sighed. “It’s so hard, and it really shouldn’t be.” She smiled faintly. “I’m going to tell him the truth. That you’re the father of my child, and that you’re going to be in my life. You’re the father. And you deserve to be, if that’s what you want.”

“That’s what I want.”

“And you’ll tell Sam?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’ll go home and do that.” It wasn’t a conversation he was looking forward to, but they’d get past it. At least Sam knew the situation existed, which was more than Lucky did. “But I’ll wait for you to tell Lucky. In case—”

“In case I change my mind.” Elizabeth held his gaze for a long moment, then reached into her pocket, retrieving her cell phone. Keeping her eyes locked on his, she raised it to her ear. “Lucky? Hey. Do you have a minute? Okay. I have to tell you something, and I have to do it before I lose my nerve, so don’t interrupt—”

“Elizabeth—” Jason said, keeping his voice pitched low. “You don’t have to—”

“I’ve been trying to tell you this for months, but I keep finding reasons not to, but it stops today. I slept with Jason in August, and he’s the baby’s biological father.” The words tumbled out in a rush. Even from here, Jason could hear Lucky’s raised voice. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t marry you again without you—” Her voice broke, and she held out the phone. “He hung up.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“It was easier,” she murmured. “If I’d been looking at him in the eye, I’d might never have done it. I couldn’t even tell you until I thought I was going to die.”

“Okay, but—”

“You should probably…go find Sam. Tell her. Lucky knows now, and I don’t know how he’ll handle it.” She bit her lip. “Sorry, I didn’t think about that part.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t think—” He cleared his throat. “I should go then. Do you need—”

“We’ll deal with all of that later, Jason.” She managed a smile. “I feel better, you know. Not great, because I’m pretty sure I just blew up my life, but at least—well, at least there are no more lies. I can live with whatever happens next.”

“Thank you—”

“Don’t thank me for doing what I should have done months ago. I’m sorry,” Elizabeth said. “I never had a right to keep you out of this, and I won’t do it again. Thank you for not letting me do it this time.”

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