I want you to know
I’m a mirrorball
I can change everything about me to fit in
You are not like the regulars
The masquerade revelers
Drunk as they watch my shattered edges glisten

---

March 2001

 The white silk was just barely visible beneath a newspaper he’d carelessly tossed on the top of the dresser after she’d made a hasty exit that day.

Or maybe it hadn’t been careless at all, Jason thought, sliding yesterday’s edition of the Port Charles Herald aside to reveal the gloves Elizabeth had peeled from her arms the day before. She’d come to him, dressed like a character from one of the old movies Robin had loved to watch — the strapless black dress that revealed more than he’d ever let himself think about, the tiara in her air, the false diamonds glinting in the dim lights—

The layers of makeup she’d begged him to remove—

And the gloves she’d pulled off when he’d hesitated too long in washing her face.  She’d tugged them, sliding them down her arms, revealing even more soft skin he knew would feel as silky as the gloves—

Jason picked them up now, sliding his fingers across the material, knowing now that he was right about that, but the lingering frustration that he didn’t know how her lips would taste—

His fingers clenched around the gloves, holding them tight, as he remembered their last conversation, her refusal to see what had building between them for weeks. Longer. Months. Before he’d ever left Port Charles in the first place.

If the soft knock at the door had come any later, Jason knew he would have been able to tuck away his irritation, to talk himself out of the frustration that came less from Elizabeth pulling away and more from how much he’d wanted to pull her close and take the choice out of her hands.

But it didn’t, and Jason knew almost before he’d yanked the door open, who he’d find on the other side.

She stood there, her hand still raised, maybe she’d meant to knock again. Her hair was loose now, a jumble of soft curls falling down around her cheeks. She wore makeup again, but not as heavy as the day before, her lips painted a dark red and not the soft candy pink.

“What?” Jason demanded, almost harshly, angrily, but she didn’t flinch. Didn’t step back, just looked at him. Maybe she understood, he thought, maybe she had admitted to herself somewhere deep inside that something had almost happened, and it wasn’t fair to keep coming back to him like this—

“I have to return the gloves to Laura,” Elizabeth said finally. Her eyes dropped to his hands, his fist curled around one of them, the knuckles almost white. She lifted her gaze to his. “I quit.”

“W-What?” Jason stepped back reflexively, so stunned by the words, but she thought he’d meant to admit her entry so she came forward and he kept backing up because away was safer, away meant he wouldn’t do anything stupid like grab her by the waist, and—

“I quit,” Elizabeth repeated. She didn’t look away from him, kicked his door closed with the heel of her boot, then cleared her throat. “I told you—I told you Lucky and I would go to Italy with my modeling money. And I heard those words. I heard myself say them. And they were awful. I don’t want to be a model.”

His chest eased slightly, because at least that was something. The first honest words she’d spoken in weeks. “Okay.”

“And I’m angry at myself for not telling Lucky no. For not saying it. At Lucky for not listening.” Tears clung to her lashes. “And I’m furious with you.”

“Why?” he demanded. “What did I do?”

“You came home.” Her voice faltered. “You came home and you made me see. I didn’t know I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know that I hated my life and everything in it. I didn’t know I was miserable. I thought it was just how things were. And then you came home. And you came to the studio. And you gave me the glass, and you talked to me, and you listened, and now I know it doesn’t have to be that way, and it was just so much easier when you weren’t here.”

“Easier to be miserable? Is that what you want?”

“No. No. But—” She closed her eyes, and a tear made a slow journey down her cheek, to the tip of her jaw, leaving a streak to mark its descent. “No. But it’s so hard to throw away dreams. A miracle. I got a miracle, and I don’t want it.” Elizabeth pressed a hand to her mouth, turned away. “What kind of person does that make me? He talks about how he thought about me all the time. How thinking about me got him through being kidnapped.”

Any lingering frustration faded, and Jason saw for the first time the weight that had been put on her shoulders. “Elizabeth.”

“I don’t want to go to Italy with Lucky. That’s what I thought. When I heard myself say it, I knew I’d never go. Because I don’t want him.” She looked at him, tears still clinging to those dark lashes. “He was right to say I shouldn’t see you. Because he knew before I could even let myself say it. I don’t want him, Jason. I don’t love him anymore.”

He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t produce a single word. He stood there like a block of concrete, frozen.

“And if I hadn’t come here yesterday—if you’d never touched me or looked at me the way you do—” Elizabeth came towards him then, and Jason couldn’t look away, couldn’t think of anything else. “I wanted you to kiss me. And you didn’t.”

“I—I wanted to,” he finally managed. “I didn’t want to scare you.” Or have her flee from the room, never to return.

Elizabeth reached forward, took the glove he still held in one hand and gently tugged. He released it. She tossed it to the side, to the dresser where its twin still lay.

“I was afraid yesterday,” she said, tilting her chin up. She swallowed. “Because I don’t think I could have kissed you and gone back to my life. I think it would change everything, and I didn’t know if I was ready for that.”

He raised his hand, his fingers trembling slightly as they brushed her jaw. “Are you ready now?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. The corners of her lips curved up just slightly. “But I can’t go one more minute without finding out.”

He dipped his head low, bringing their mouths closer, until their breaths mingled. His thumb swept over the dip in her chin, and then he kissed her.

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