Written in 70 minutes. Final scene took a bit of extra time because I wanted to do it right.

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Queen of Angels: Chapel

Elizabeth’s hands were trembling as she stepped up to the podium at the front of the chapel. She raised her eyes to look at the gathering, at the pews filled with family, friends, and anyone whose lives Emily had touched.

There were doctors and nurses, old friends from college, from high school —

Her hands trembled slightly, the paper she held rustling. She opened her mouth, then closed as it as the first breath held a hint of a sob, and she wanted so badly to do this well. To do right by Emily.

Monica sat in the front pew, Jason next to her, holding his mother’s arm. There was a space where Elizabeth had once sat, and then the rest of the Quartermaines on the side. Ned, Edward, Tracy, Dillon —

She found Jason’s eyes, then just behind him, Lucky’s. And something passed between them, some hint of the sweetness that had been there once. They’d been falling in love at the same time she and Emily were becoming friends. Emily would always tie them together — and now she was gone. Just like he’d been once.

“I’m not really sure how to do this,” Elizabeth confessed. She dipped her eyes down to the paper, to the words she’d struggled to produce. “It’s—it’s not the first time I’ve spoken about Emily and what she means to me. A few years ago, I gave a toast at her wedding—” She found Nikolas’s angry, devastated gaze—far away from his family. “I wished her happiness on that day. I wished her joy.”

Elizabeth hesitated, swallowed as her voice threatened to break. She cleared her throat. “It’s easier to speak of joy, of happiness when the promise of tomorrow seems so fresh and sweet. When the future is in front of you, and you think the best is yet to come. Over the last few days, it’s been a struggle not to dwell on the fact that I’m standing up here at all — that I have to speak about Emily in the past. There’s almost a comfort in the anger, in the rage that statement brings me. In the regrets of the days where we didn’t speak or fights that we had. There should have been more time—”

The paper crinkled as she tightened her hands. As she thought of minutes, hours, and days lost while Emily was in California—

“I can’t stay angry forever. I can’t think about the way Emily left us. And none of us should. I know the people gathered here today feel the way I do. Emily walked into all of our lives without warning, changed it forever, and now—and now she’s gone. Without warning. And we’re left to look for understanding where there can be no comprehension.”

She released the paper to swipe at a tear that escaped. She set the paper down and looked up. “Emily brought something to us all. She was my best friend. She was more of a sister to me than my own. She taught me how to dance, the best way to drink hot chocolate—I tried to teach her to draw—it didn’t really go that well—” She laughed at the memory. “I know she tried to teach Nikolas to dance, too. I think she was more successful —” She found Nikolas again and this time he was smiling. “She loved fiercely and fully and sometimes recklessly. When she tried to run away to Puerto Rico to find Juan, Jason, you didn’t even yell at her. Or tell her parents—I’m sure they’d have been horrified. She knew she could count on you to always stand by her.”

Elizabeth exhaled slowly. “When Emily left for California for rehab after her accident, and then stayed for college, it was so hard. I didn’t know how be without her everyday. I knew, even if she came home, it wouldn’t be the same. And it wasn’t. But it was better somehow. She was there when I brought my son home, and she loved my boys as if they were her own. When I think of everything she’s going to miss — everything she never gets to do — the thought paralyzes me. The grief returns and it threatens to swallow me hole. I want nothing more than to go back in time, to go back to those silly little girls in Kelly’s, laughing and drinking hot chocolate. Three packets, split two ways. With sprinkles. I want to go to work and see her, I want her to be there—” Elizabeth bowed her head, took another moment. “I want  the possibility of more time because we deserved it. Emily deserved it, and I shouldn’t be standing here.”

She dragged her hands over her cheeks, took one last deep breath. “When that happens, when I feel that relentless wave crashing over me again, I stop. I reach for a memory. I reach for the joy.” Elizabeth smiled. “I find it, you know. Because it’s never far away. I find the joy, I find the love. And I can breathe again.”

She met Monica’s eyes. “When this loss overwhelms you, when it hits you as it will in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, I hope you will remember to stop. To think of the best moment. The funniest. The sweetest. And that it will bring you the love and joy Emily brought to us. And holding on to that, and not the tragedy that brings us here, will help you remember how to breathe again.”

Queen of Angels: Churchyard

“Do you mind?”

Elizabeth glanced up, found Robin standing by the stone bench where she sat. She scooted down. “No, of course not.”

Robin sat, and looked across the church yard where Monica stood with Jason and Nikolas. “You were right, you know. We shouldn’t be here. None of us should.” She clasped her hands tightly in her lap. She pressed her lips together. “When I came by the penthouse the other day, I, um, saw that you were wearing a ring. I just didn’t know—I didn’t know if I should ask—”

Elizabeth held out her hand, the diamond winking at her. “He asked me that night. Maybe two hours before we got the call.” She shook her head. “I never got to tell her, you know. Which is such a selfish way to think about it.”

“That’s what grief really is,” Robin murmured. “It’s the pain of knowing you move forward and they don’t. How do you forgive yourself for breathing? For living when they can’t? What makes you so much better that—” She sucked in a breath. “When Stone died, I wanted to die with him. I thought I would. That the HIV would become AIDS, and I’d be with him. That I was never going to be a doctor. That no one would ever love me again.”

Elizabeth reached for her hand, squeezed it. Robin exhaled. “And then I started the protocol and I’ve been basically healthy ever since. And I was so angry — why couldn’t Stone have had this? What made me more deserving of living when he’d had to die? Why did I get to have a future at all? Forgiving yourself for just…it’s so hard. Because you have to accept there’s nothing to forgive. Nothing you can do. Life is supposed to keep moving. And you can’t stay locked in the moment you lost someone.”

“You’d think you’d hold on to that,” Elizabeth murmured. “When I lost Lucky, this was what it felt like. The pain of just breathing, of waking up and remembering that she’s not here — I’ve done this before. I know it gets better. But now I have to do it again, and it’s just—it’s not right. It’s not fair.”

“Emily never gets to find out you’re marrying Jason. She never gets to be part of it,” Robin murmured. “And Georgie—she never gets to be—” She looked at Elizabeth. “I was supposed to go that night. Not Leyla. It was supposed to be me with Emily. But it wasn’t. It was Leyla. I stayed back to take a test. I’m pregnant.”

“Pregnant—” Elizabeth’s lips parted. “With—”

“Patrick took it pretty well, all things considered. He already started mapping out plans. Diets. Routines.” She smiled faintly. “He’s going to borrow your kids so we can simulate taking care of a newborn. It’s so strange, you know? To think we broke up because he didn’t want them. And now he’s—studying like his life depends on it.” Robin closed her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“No, it’s—life. Life keeps moving.” Elizabeth nodded. “I’m happy for you. For Patrick. I think he’s going to surprise himself, to be honest. He was so afraid of screwing up — he’s going to drive you insane for the next…well, forever, really.”

“I’m happy for you, too,” Robin said. “For Jason. He was such a good father, and I’m glad he gets to have that again. That you both get to have that.” She wound her arm through Elizabeth’s. “But it sucks that Emily isn’t here.”

“It sucks that Georgie isn’t,” Elizabeth told her. “She’d be such a good aunt. And she’d probably help keep Patrick from going insane. She handled Spinelli beautifully.”

“I know you’re right — that we should focus on the love we felt for Emily. And not how we lost her — how we lost Georgie. And Leyla and Chelsea. But it’s hard when I think of the days ahead. Of all the moments that were stolen. It’s hard not to be angry.”

“Yeah, it was more of an…aspirational way of living. The anger isn’t going anywhere soon. I hope they find him before another family has to grieve.”

——

It had been such a stroke of luck that the funeral had been open to the public. He wandered around the courtyard, nodding and murmuring condolences, sharing his shock with others he worked with at the hospital. Such a tragedy. A terrible loss.

What a mistake.

He stopped, pausing as a pair of women came into view across the church yard. He perked up  when he realized that pretty Robin Scorpio was sitting with another dark-haired women. A nurse. He knew her. He’d seen her at the hospital. Elizabeth Webber.

A doctor and a nurse. And they were friendly, so finding them together —

Yes, a mistake had been made. But he could still fix it. He could still make it right. Two doctors, two nurses.  Yes, it would all make sense then. Pairs. Matching sets. Yes, it would be okay. He’d be able to breathe again.

He’d be able to fix everything.

—

Jason put a hand on Monica’s arm, having caught Tracy’s eye and the tap on her wrist. It was time to start moving back to the house, to the reception that he and Elizabeth were already planning to skip, but he wanted to make sure Monica got back in the car.

But Monica wasn’t so easy to move. She hadn’t wanted to leave the chapel where the coffin had been laid out — and now to leave the church yard — to leave Emily behind —

“Mom,” he said, the unfamiliar word still awkward on his lips, but not painful. He’d promised himself that he wasn’t going to waste any more time and if he didn’t call Monica Mom — there was no one else left who would. And making that right was more important than his comfort. “We should head over to the car.”

“Oh. Oh—” Monica nodded. “Yes. Yes. Where’s Elizabeth? Have you—” She started to search the church yard.

“She’s right there, with Robin,” Jason said. He was also breathing a bit more easily as Elizabeth and Robin started to walk towards them. Patrick fell in with the duo, and he felt even better.

“All right—” Monica stopped, then her hand reached out, practically latching onto the arm of someone who passed by them. “Mac. Mac, wait—”

The commissioner winced, turned. “Monica—”

“You—you haven’t returned any of my calls.” Her fingers curled into his coat. “Tell me you have a lead. That you have something you can say—that you know who did this to my daughter—”

Mac covered Monica’s hand. “There’s nothing I can tell you yet—”

“No! No!” Monica shook her head. “No! That’s not right. It’s been days. It’s been weeks—” Her voice started to climb, draw attention from those around them. Tracy, who had just loaded Edward into a car with Dillon, started over, flanked by Ned.

“Monica, these things take time—”

“How many more have to die?” Monica demanded. “How many more girls? Women? How can you not know anything?”

“I’m sorry—” Mac tried to remove Monica’s hand, but her fingers had become almost claw-like. Jason grimaced, unsure if he was supposed to drag her away from the commissioner.

“Monica—” Tracy said briskly. “Why don’t we—”

“No! No!” Monica shook off her sister-in-law, but released Mac. “No! You didn’t even like Emily! You considered her an interloper! A thief stealing from your children! You don’t get to tell me anything—” Her voice broke. “I want justice—I want—I want—” She squeezed her eyes tightly, wrapping her arms around herself. “I want my daughter—”

And then her knees gave out and Jason had to grab her, to help her stay standing. Ned was at Monica’s other side. “Come on,” Jason said, taking his mother’s arm, winding it through his own. “Let’s go back to the house. Okay? It’s cold.”

Monica started to walk now, numbly allowing Jason and Ned to lead her away. “I just want my baby. Why can’t I have her? Why?”

“I’ve got it, Jason,” Ned said, after they put her into the car, Tracy sliding in after. “I know you and Elizabeth wanted to get home to the boys.”

“Yeah.” Jason felt Elizabeth step up, slid her arm around his waist. “We’re—we’re going to bring them by.”

“It’ll give them something to focus on.” Ned got into the limo, and then it pulled out of the drive. Jason stared after them.

“We can go to the house now,” Elizabeth said. He looked at her. “You know Carly wouldn’t mind staying longer.”

“I know. I just—I need a minute. Away—” He glanced around the church yard. At the sea of people wearing black and other dark colors. “I need to go home.”

Morgan Penthouse: Living Room

Carly sprang up from the sofa when they opened the door. “Hey. Hey. Um—Jake is napping upstairs, and Cameron was, too. I don’t know if he’s awake yet—”

“I’ll go check,” Elizabeth said, brushing her hand across Jason’s chest as she passed him. “Thanks, Carly.”

“Yeah.” Carly waited until Elizabeth had disappeared around the landing. “Hey. It’s stupid to ask how it went or how you are. It’s just—it’s what you say.” She folded her arms.

Jason dropped his keys on the desk. “Thank you. For staying with them.”

“Yeah. Of course. I wanted to go. To be there for you, but I knew—well, you know, I wanted to be useful, and this is how to help you.” Carly’s eyes filled. “I just wanted to be help.”

“You did.” Jason hesitated. “When Courtney—when she died. How did you tell the boys? Did—did they understand?”

Carly smiled wistfully. “Michael did more than Morgan. Which always seemed like a such a tragedy, you know. Courtney took such good care of Morgan when he was born, and he won’t really remember her—” She took a deep breath. “I told them that Aunt Courtney had to go away. That she loved them so much, and that she’d always be watching them. I don’t know if there’s another way to do it. There’s nothing you can say. Someone who loved them unconditionally, without boundaries, is gone. And that’s just…that’s just how it is.”

“Yeah.” Jason nodded, his chest tight. “Yeah. That’s how it is.”

“I’ll leave you guys to handle it. Or to just be alone with them or together—” Carly bit her lip. “It seems silly now, doesn’t it? All the time you waste hating someone when it doesn’t matter.” She hugged him briefly, but fiercely. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Elizabeth returned downstairs a few minutes after Carly had gone, carrying a sleepy Cameron, still rubbing his eyes. “Hey. Look who I found,” she said. “Someone was waking up.”

“Hey.” Jason smiled at she came over and handed Cameron to him. The little boy tucked himself into Jason’s embrace, rubbing his face against Jason’s black sweater. “Did you have fun with Aunt Carly?”

“She play good race car,” Cameron mumbled. “Not as good as Aunt Em. Can she come play?”

Jason’s hand stilled as it stroked Cameron’s curls. He looked at Elizabeth, then sighed. “Let’s go sit down, buddy. We need to talk.”

Elizabeth followed them over to the sofa, and they sat together, Cameron laying against Jason’s chest, Elizabeth curled up against his side, her head on his shoulder.

“Aunt Emily loves you and Jake a lot, you know that, right?”

“To the sky and Jupiter and back,” Cameron said. “She always says.”

“Yeah.”

“Aunt Emily can’t come over and play,” Elizabeth said. Cameron frowned. He sat up so that he was facing them both.

“Why?”

“Because she had to go away,” Jason said. “And she can’t come back anymore. Not where we can see her.”

“But I don’t want her to go away.”

“Me either, baby.” Elizabeth took a moment to gather herself. “But sometimes people have to go when they don’t want to. Even when there’s people who need them. Who love them. But Aunt Emily will always be here—” She touched Cameron’s heart. “Where you can’t see her, but you can feel her.”

Cameron’s lip trembled, and he looked at Jason. “Did she go away like my daddy? Daddy had to work. You said. So he left. And Aunt Em. You go away?”

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere,” Jason said, roughly. “Mommy and I are right here. And we’re not leaving.”

“I want her to stay. Tell her to come back and play.” Tears began to slide down his cheeks and his voice broke up. “Tell her to stay where I can see her.”

“She can’t, baby. It’s not like that.” Elizabeth pulled Cameron into her arms, rocking him as he continued to cry. “She can’t.”

“She’ll always be with you,” Jason said. “Just like your mom said.”

“Always,” Elizabeth promised. “You know how sometimes you can feel the wind on your cheeks when we go out?”

“Yeah.”

“Aunt Emily is right there. She’ll always be there. She’ll never stop loving you, and she’ll never stop taking care of you. She’s like the wind, baby. You can’t see it, but you can feel it. She’ll never go away. She’ll always be there.”

Cameron continued to cry, and Jason wrapped his arms around them both, wishing he could break apart like a small child, because he wanted the same thing. He wanted his sister to come back where he could see her, too.

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Note: Pieces of Elizabeth’s eulogy were not written today. Like you guys know, my friend passed away suddenly last year after a brief battle with Stage 4 cancer. At her memorial service, I was asked to speak which I thought was going to be really difficult. I thought — how do I ever put what I’m feeling into words? I thought I’d struggle over it for days. And then 6:30 AM four days before the service, I woke up, and I just wrote. I wrote the entire thing in a rush of words in about 30 minutes. And I just — I don’t know a better way to talk about losing someone you love so much, so I’m just going to plagiarize myself. I hope you guys don’t mind. The original is here. 

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